ocean breathes salty

It never fails, every time I'm able to spend even the tiniest bit of time with true friends, it is like an instant re-charge and gets me through. I've been making that happen for myself a little bit more lately. Something so simple as developing rosy cheeks at happy hour or so big as sitting in the ocean at 4 a.m. or so small as a little chat that leads to a big conversation. It all just feels right. In those moments, all is right.
The other night, when I was in the ocean. Laughing, rocking back and forth, without a care in the world, I got a bit overwhelmed. (Typical). The very beach I built sand castles at as a child seeing the wonder of not seeing an end to the big world out there, there I was with three one-time strangers I never would've guessed would continue to be in my life in whatever context they're in.
It felt kind of small that night. Pitch black. Shuffling along the bottom not knowing when it would drop. That's kind of the difference between then and now. For me, anyway.
At first, I cared. What if (insert something silly, but also kinda possible here i.e. stingray) is out here? We can't see shit.
"Oh, well," one of them says, "Could be a cool story."
"I'll grab a flashlight so we can try to see," says another.
"Nope. Can't see shit."
"Oh, well."
"Let's go."
"It's just water," says the other. "Get in it."
And, I did.
I sat there, swaying with the waves, and soaked it all in. Lived up every drop of this delicious moment. And felt this overwhelming surge of this is really what it's all about. Just going for it. Being open to all possibilities, even if they could have a scary outcome.
I've just got this fear right in my gut. Fear of going out there. I can't see just where I'm going so I'm just gonna sit here until the sun comes up. Fear of taking that first step because somebody out there is gonna hurt me, I just know it. And, that is true. It does happen. But, I'm kinda feeling like that risk is just a part of the rush.
And, I mean, really, how many times have you heard of someone dying from a sting ray?
(No offense, Steve.)

this was actually the song that was in my head that night:

"Your body may be gone, I'm gonna carry you in.
In my head, in my heart, in my soul.
And maybe we'll get lucky and we'll both live again.
Well I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Don't think so.

Well that is that and this is this.
You tell me what you want and I'll tell you what you get.
You get away from me. You get away from me.
Collected my belongings and I left the jail.
Well thanks for the time, I needed to think a spell.
I had to think awhile. I had to think awhile.

The ocean breathes salty, won't you carry it in?
In your head, in your mouth, in your soul.
And maybe we'll get lucky and we'll both grow old.
Well I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I hope so.

Well that is that and this is this.
You tell me what you want and I'll tell you what you get.
You get away from me. (You get away from me) You get away from me.
Collected my belongings and I left the jail.
Well thanks for the time, I needed to think a spell.
I had to think awhile. (I had to think awhile) I had to think awhile.

Well that is that and this is this.
Will you tell me what you saw and I'll tell you what you missed,
when the ocean met the sky. (You missed, you missed)
You missed when time and life shook hands and said goodbye. (You missed)
When the earth folded in on itself. (You missed)
And said "Good luck, for your sake I hope heaven and hell (You missed, you missed)
are really there, but I wouldn't hold my breath." (You missed, you missed)
You wasted life, why wouldn't you waste death? (You missed, you missed)
You wasted life, why wouldn't you waste death?

The ocean breathes salty, won't you carry it in?
In your head, in your mouth, in your soul.
The more we move ahead the more we're stuck in rewind.
Well I don't mind. I don't mind. How the hell could I mind?

Well that is that and this is this.
You tell me what you want and I'll tell you what you get.
You get away from me. (You get away from me) You get away from me.

Well that is that and this is this.
Will you tell me what you saw and I'll tell you what you missed,
when the ocean met the sky. (You missed, you missed)
You wasted life, why wouldn't you waste the afterlife?"

bad blood.

I've been getting caught up on True Blood lately. It's silly, I know. But, I love it, can't help it and won't apologize for it. I mean, it's Alan Ball, people! After Six Feet Under, he made it on to my list of people I want to be along with Cameron Crowe. Anyway, if you allow yourself to, you can find some pretty awesome themes that are twisted in ridiculous supernatural things, but are so true to life. It, in a way, makes real life seem more ridiculous. I won't go in depth on my True Blood studies, but if there's one thing that Sookie Stackhouse has the power to do (aside from reading minds), it is to rescind invitations of the vampires in her life.
I've got a list of blood-sucking, full of shit, terrible people that given the chance to say "I RESCIND MY INVITATION!" to I would be so happy to see them fast-motion moon walk out of my home and life. They could just stand just past the thresh hold of my life looking in like sad puppies hoping I'll invite them in again.
But, the thing is, I feel like in some ways I do have this power. I just have to make the grand gesture of doing so. I have never been able to give up on people. I have battled myself over my expectations of people (are they too high? but, I do deserve at least that right?). The bad outweighs the good. I don't want to be baggage to anyone else. But, the vampires of my life, have got to get out. I'm not a vengeful or even confrontational person for that matter, so stakes aren't necessary and I won't force them to meet their true death with the sunlight to reveal themselves. But they will be a non-factor in my life. And, really, that's what they wanted, right? When you do shitty things, you're trying to hurt that person, why would you want them around?
If you don't want to burn the bridge, don't light the match to begin with. But I assure you, I will let that bitch burn down and you will never be able to cross it again.
Everyone makes mistakes, but you have to be willing to learn from them and own up to them. Even vampires are a little human. I mean, Bill learned that it was a mistake to try to betray Sookie by bringing her to the Vampire Queen of Louisiana, even if he did change his mind because he fell in love with her. Bitch got rescinded.

band-aids

I have always said (well, not since I was like three or anything, but since I began proclaiming things I believe to be true) that people come in your life for a reason, serve a purpose and most times it's short-lived, rarely it's for always. I don't think that one is always more important than the other. Things you once may have thought would be small blips on the radar leave a huge, meteor-like mark on your personal landscape. I'm struggling with this. Always have. I think most people do...? Yeah?
I'm putting some of those things to rest though. Bandaging those wounds for the last time. Wearing others like a medal. Maybe one day I'll view them all that way.
I've held myself back. Held my tongue. Stunted my growth. Spent more time adding to a list of excuses of why I haven't been able to do that yet than if I would've just taken a shot I'd probably be feeling much better about things. None of those things remind me of the person I used to be, the person I was working really hard on becoming. The person I liked being. The person I know I am. I've written a bit about forgiveness here and there, remember? Forgiving you? Forgiving me? I think it's my lesson this year. It's the thing I'm supposed to get right. Start taking down these huge walls. They're so tall they're starting to lean. No one's getting in. Nope. No way.
I have been, in a word, numb. For a long, long time. And recently, I felt the faint fluttering of butterflies in my stomach for just a moment and I was pictured what could be coming. Chills go up and down my arms and end on the back of my neck as the perfect song I needed to hear found its way to me. One of favorites, cheek pain after laughing so hard. Closure's another good one, too. I have felt anger, betrayal, pits in my stomach, loss, loneliness, sometimes down-right hopelessness, but when they go away, I'm not mad at them for coming, it makes me feel a little bit more alive and reveals each and every time what's good and what's not. Lesson learned, moving on.
I have to stop holding back. Amazing things happen when you just let go. Put yourself out there. Go ahead and say it. And mean it. What have I got to lose really? So much has already come and gone. I have to stop mourning what once filled my life and see the vacancies as room for new, better (and even if it is just for right now) things.
Like, right now, I really like how long my hair is getting. It hasn't been this long since I remember seeing my shadow on the playground of my ponytail swinging behind me. I really like the people who are slowly finding their way into my life in ways I never would've thought at first glance. I like catching up with old friends. I like taking care of myself. I like having really good ideas and frantically searching for something to write them down on. I like opening this page up and just letting this shit spill out of me for the first time in months.