cupid shuffle.

I've had a headache and haven't been able to move my neck freely in three days. In those days, I've been disappointed. A lot. I've been replaying conversations in my throbbing head and questioning the expectation I set and if it was clear enough. It was. But, sometimes someone else's "good" isn't my good enough. That's disappointing. 

I've woken up each morning and had an in-depth pep talk with myself before having to shuffle my feet along the floor in order to not trip over my discarded clothes and shoes that I've stripped off as quickly as possible to get in my bed, my sanctuary, and faced each day with my head held as high as my neck will allow it to be. 

I'm not wallowing. I don't think so anyway. I'm just exhausted. By everything. I want all of the things, but it is so damn hard to have them all at once. 

I fought my gut with that guy I was telling you about. I said what I needed to say and then backed down because my heart told me to. I put it out there, for the first time, what I needed and expected and I knew that all of the things weren't being checked off, but I just kept backing down and telling myself "but, they could be." Sometimes they won't be and that's disappointing. 

A word that has been sticking out in my clouded head is "priority." It's such a critical thing. It takes time to earn the top spot and maybe you don't ever get there, but let's just get to the top of the list. It's like are you being squeezed in to a person's schedule or are things getting penciled around you. That's a big difference. 

Ultimately, I don't know how to trust myself. I'm not listening to myself. There have been so many times where I slam the brakes in order to avoid slamming in to something damaging, but then I just kept going. Swerve a little to the right. Pull over. Slow down. And, then just keep going. "Where are we going?" I'd ask myself as I continued. "Nowhere" was the answer. And, sometimes fast. 

My car literally broke down. Unable to accelerate to the speed I needed her to go. Fighting back every time I pushed. The battery died. The computer quit on me- literally no longer able to tell the engine how to keep going. How apropos? 

I've gotten my car back. My neck is moving a little more. My head is clearing. I'll keep going. But, I'll pay attention to the signs and understand when they're blurry, my brain hurts, my neck refuses to let me look in any direction but forward and I'm unable to accelerate in the direction I'm forcing myself to go it's just time to stop. I can get over disappointment. It's ok to wallow it in for a second. Shuffle your feet to make sure you don't fall, but damn put your life back together, sister. Ok? Ok.