i'm not singing for you.

so, here i am again. here's another post about how i need to write more. there will probably be a list of things i need to do, self-revelation, etc. it's cool, though.
i go through phases of being really open and then back off again, my up-keep with this blog is a direct reflection of what i'm actually doing in the non-cyber world.
last year was full of its ups and downs that i've come to expect and accept. i feel as though i made it through a little better, partly because i spent much of it locked up within myself. but, i did begin to open up, see new possibilities and make changes. baby steps, of course.
and this year, i hope to do much of the same. it's the year of "yes" and it's the year of the badass. that's what's been proclaimed, so i gotta stick to my guns.
i spent the final days of 2011 and the first several of 2012 sick. mostly, exhausted. it was a real bummer of a way to start a new year and a pretty appropriate way to end the old one, but it was like a time out on so many levels. there are so many things i've been saying i'm going to do that i never get around to doing. there are so many things that i work so hard at, most of them i do well in, other times i fall short. it's all a balance, kind of a trade off. you can't be the best at everything. but, dammit, you can sure try.
so, this year, i want to be out there more. i want to step out of my comfort zone. i want to write more. i want to do more, see more, be more. it's not a check list, it's just what i have to do, it's what makes all of things that end up on the check list worth doing. get that shit out of the way so you can live a real life.
now, that the sickness has subsided, i've re-joined the land of the living in post-holiday-retail life and just made a little effort and have gotten overwhelmed with these little nudges that have unexpectedly come my way. at first they were just little whispers and now it's almost deafening. basically, at this point, they're chanting "stop talking about it, do something about it." i want to write. so why am i not writing? no one's stopping me. i am. i want to experience things, but i have to get out of my pajamas first. i want to be stronger, but i have to accept that i'm weak right now and that it's going to take endurance to reach some goals.
you know, there are at least 20 posts that are saved on this blog i couldn't bring myself to hit publish on? so scared to just finally say some things and get them out of my head. but after my brief foray back into having an audience on some vaguely personal shit, i had to remind myself, i'm not alone and if at least one other person (let alone hundreds of people) respond to it, what have i got to lose?
so here's to publishing, to saying yes, this is what's up and i'm dealing with it. to letting people in and letting people go. to taking a risk and being ok with it not working out. to being better for myself so better things come along. to being ok with being alone and ok with admitting it fucking sucks sometimes, too.
so here's that list:
i'm gonna keep my house clean because it keeps my mind clean. if i can spend 15 minutes a day just maintaining it, i can spend a lot more cleaning my mind up.
i'm gonna be mindful of what and how i spend my money on so when opportunities come around i never have an excuse that i can't make that happen now. being able to say yes is a really freeing and satisfying thing.
i'm gonna buy a car this year because i fucking deserve it. and it's going to be sassy, too.
i'm gonna write something every chance i get. i want to have at least one book together by the end of the year.
it's coming, y'all. and i'm going to be ready.