matches.

I've been finding myself pondering the "what's nexts" quite often lately. Catapulted mainly by that "what the fuck am I doing?" moment I mentioned about a week ago.
I'm good at my job. That's the thing. That's what's kept me in it. Pushed me onward and upward. Why wouldn't I keep going? I've become a leader. The one people ask advice from. The one who delivers results. I take pride in that, but am I passionate about it? To a degree.
I don't know if I could pin point a "dream job" for myself and I often wonder if I could and if I got it, would I wake up every day on fire about doing it? Are there really people out there who can really say that without even a whisper in the back of their head saying, "well, kind of, almost every day." Although I do believe that some people can be blissfully happy almost all of the time, I don't think that's in me. Why? Because I do have that drive in me to be better and when I'm not the best I beat the hell out of myself about it. I create the struggle so I can taste the sweet victory eventually. Both the big, juicy ones and small, subtle ones. When I say I'm gonna do something and really, and I mean really, mean it, I pretty much always do. Eventually. So, I take comfort in the fact that my goal check list I've made for myself will continue to have things crossed out. Eventually.
So, should I switch gears and start from scratch or just keep going onward and upward with the tried and true? Would I be happier as a teacher? Or should I try to go back to journalism? Or maybe just get a job that's nothing more than a job? Something that I just show up to, complete tasks and go home at five on the dot every day? Could I? Should I? Sure. Maybe.
When I commit, I commit. That's the thing. That I know to be true. I've proven it with the things I've done, the relationships I've been in. I stay until there's nothing left. Nowhere left to go. Nothing left to burn (and, sometimes, I have set myself on fire).
I miss the fire. That passionate burning fire on so may levels. I feel like everything in my life is just kind of warm, getting colder by the minute. And I'm frustrated because I know exactly where the matches are, I just can't find a damn thing to strike them on.
But, I'll keep looking, don't you worry.
I'll start rubbing twigs together and blowing if I have to.
We're getting warmer.