lost and found.

I'm kind of lost. I've kind of lost myself.
I've gone back to my survival instincts of if I just keep hiding, don't make eye contact that thing that is very real will just go away. I'll get these urges to fight back, but that makes it real. So, I hide again. It never goes away, I just keep looking away. Making excuses. Accept it as part of the decor. Maybe I'll get a cute blanket or something to make it blend in.
Basically, for the first time in a long time, it's time to speak up in almost every area of my life and I find myself praying I lose my voice. Seriously. I felt a scratch in my throat a couple hours ago and I was hoping it would cause my voice to disappear by morning.
The thing I'm hiding from is the truth. By saying it out loud it makes it real and there are very real consequences. There's only one situation I can think of that could allow me to feel like a burden has been lifted, but it's so minor compared to the ton of bricks all the other ones will bury me in. The rubble that I'll have to dig my way out of. The fact that I know each way I look the world will look entirely different and, basically, I'm not ready to. I just started to accept what I see after 27 years.
I just want to do the right thing. I know the answers are obvious, but that doesn't make them easier even with their constant glaring. I try really hard to do the right thing and have little to no negative impact on others, but right now, I feel like any direction I go in I'm stepping on toes. Meanwhile, I'm stepping on eggshells.
So, I'm being challenged and tested again. Some situations are definitely pass or fail. I'm trying real hard to focus on the positives. To stop taking everything so personally. To understand that others actions (and consequences) aren't for me to own. To trust that I have done everything I can (and then some). To believe that magic happens when I'm out of my comfort zone.
I mean, I really don't have a need for any more cute blankets and my life is getting crowded with other people's bullshit again.
Time to do some spring cleaning. Find my way back and make sure if I'm lost, it is only for a little while.