indecisively independent.

Contingency and dependency are the bains of my existence.
In the last few years, I have replaced my co-dependent ways with as much independence as possible. It was like a knee-jerk reaction when I finally found myself alone. I realized my complete and utter dependence on others for my (mostly emotional) survival was crippling me.
I was exhausted from depending on everyone in my life for everything and being let down (no blame game, I put myself in this position). So, as I have admitted several times before I shut everyone out and stopped putting myself in a vulnerable position when at all possible.
Ask for help? Absolute last resort.
Keep calling and get voice mail every time? Nope, tired of feeling unimportant and rejected.
I am, indeed, proud of my independence. Few people, if any, have impact on decisions I make anymore. Yet, I still find myself submerged in turmoil from time to time over how this will impact other people potentially. When it comes time to leap, the last thought that usually surfaces is, "wait a sec, would this person even put half the thought into how their decisions impact me as I do for them?" The answer, of course, is usually no. So I leap and deal with it.
Today was an example of that. I've been waiting around (contingency) for someone (dependency) to give me the green light to make a decision that really is just something I have to live with at the end of the day. So I made the call. And it felt fucking great.
Every time I move forward in my life for myself is huge. I don't for a second think it's a flaw that I care about how I impact others, as much as it can at times slow me down it's gotta be one of my best qualities and I'll own it.
And I'll allow myself to be proud that I give things my all and move forward faster than others sometimes, too. I passed up a lot of people to get my job and was worried how it made them feel. Turns out they're terrible people who didn't deserve it to begin with and instead of focusing on improving themselves, they focused on destroying me. ( it didn't happen) That same job enabled me to purchase my home that I love in spite of most people telling me it wasn't a smart choice. The point is, as much as I write about how I hold myself back, I have propelled myself forward so much farther.
I have a long way to go and the truth is, I really don't have a clue what I really want and where I want to be, but I'm also not going to sit and wait for it to find me. Although, I may call you to ask what you think (old habits die hard, y'all), and that's ok. But, to be honest, I'm tired of not allowing myself to be proud of what I'm doing today. I shy away from telling people that I'm a store manger because I'm "supposed" to be doing something do much more "profound" (like what?) I don't like telling people that I own my house and I'll downplay the fact that it is really pretty badass and when you come over ( if, really) I will for a moment feel a little embarrassed that I have nice things inside of it (they were all on clearance though, really). Fuck that, I'm over it.
I will never stop wanting bigger and better and different things for myself. But, I have to stop asking for permission or approval. I got this. I can clearly take care of myself, and although I may need you a little less, it doesn't mean I don't want you to be involved. It's time that I start owning my shit. Waking up and giving myself permission to approve of who I am where I am today.
I will be better eventually. I will get to where I'm going eventually. I will do it all eventually. And, that is contingent and dependent on just me. K?