answers.

I'm savoring my coffee this morning because it's delicious and fall outside and because I don't want to go to work.
It's not that I don't want to work, it's that I don't want the major reality check that is going to slap me across the face, kick me in the gut and, most likely, leave a puddle of tears on the floor.
Today a really important chapter in my life will be ending. Today I will say goodbye to family and leave a home that I built, sometimes by myself, but most of the time with help by some really amazing people.
It's bittersweet.
I have been questioning and writing and thinking for months now about what's next? The answer came quite suddenly. I've been given a new opportunity to make the same impact in a new environment. A promotion that came along with a heaping helping of validation, investment and hope and left me feeling so incredibly valued by a company I have given so much to. It was an incredible moment because it not only the reaffirmed belief in myself by my leaders, but one that came with a peaceful feeling to know I was going in the right direction this whole time and followed with great grief of leaving a group of people who matter so much to me, a family, a team and realizing what it took to get there and what it will take to get there again.
I have so much fear and anxiety about letting them down, disappointing them. The words struggle to come out and most likely will be joined with a crack in my voice.
I have to get through today to move on to tomorrow. To begin a new chapter with new challenges, plot lines and characters.
I know that I can do it, because I already have. I'm a different, better person because of the last couple of chapters and since taking a look from the outside in, I've realized I am in fact, a leader.
I haven't taken a moment to celebrate. I don't feel like it's warranted yet. I'm going back to proving ground, the only difference is, I'm confident that it will be proven and no one will get in the way of it this time.
Today, it hurts, y'all. I've been treading uncomfortable territory the last month or so of making the best decision I can for myself with the consequence of letting important people in my life down. A friend told me that this is prof of how far I've come personally this year, that I'm finally taking a stand for what I deserve and being ok with saying I deserve more. That I've finally found a great amount of clarity and allowed myself to open up to opportunities confidently. When she said that, it was a major moment of accomplishment. I don't just sit down and write about hopes and dreams with my fingers crossed. This exchange is genuine and full of promise to myself and I've kept them. This year has been huge for me personally and with one of the final pieces to the puzzle nestling in, I can't help but be proud of what I've done and excited about what I am able and will do.
I've just got to get through today first.
Tomorrow, bring on the major leagues.