egg drop soup.

I was sick a couple of weeks ago. I champion myself on mind over matter tactics. I've been pretty sick and stuck it out continuing to work for longer hours than a lot of people would on their best days.
This time, for whatever reason, I just couldn't. I had to ask for help. Something I don't like doing. Perfect example, my mother of all people called to ask what she could do or bring me to help me feel better and I couldn't allow the answer to come up my throat. I was listing off things in my head, but couldn't even begin to utter a request because I didn't want her to have to drive all the way over here making stops and taking time out of her day to do it. My own mother, who at one time wiped my ass and cleaned up my vomit and tucked me in and would do almost anything to make me feel better. She called me on it, too in my feverish state.
"I want to help you, but I need you to ask for what will help."
That sentence resonated more with me than just "oh, okay, I'll take some of that egg drop soup and would you mind picking up some NyQuil, the good kind."
It was, this is a bigger issue. I won't communicate what I need or want because I don't want to burden some one else with my life's needs or wants, I can do it myself. And, I can, but that's not the point. When you make it impossible for people to figure out how they can contribute to your life, I imagine they stop seeing the need to be there in the first place. Eventually? Maybe?
It's a tricky, sticky line to tread. For me, anyway. Not wanting to make requests for people in my life because maybe it'll just be a little too much to ask. Swallowing frustration that people don't have the instinct to know what I need from them in my life and when. I guess I need to befriend some mind readers or just start communicating.
The latter I have been tip-toeing toward. Slowly. I've been trying to get over the fact that sometimes I may just have to say, "this is really bothering me and I need your help to fix it."
I've been struggling with the idea of "showing up" in life. I think I've written about it before. I want and need people in my life who show up for me. I feel like I do. I want to celebrate life's success and I want to help you mourn it's heartbreaks, too. I want to be there. I don't know that I have to be invited either. But, sometimes, I feel like no one's in my front row and get frustrated at trying to figure out if they needed an invitation mailed to them or VIP treatment to the front of the line, I don't know. I haven't asked.
I've been discussing this idea with a friend the past couple of days, and she pretty much nailed it. There's a vulnerability to asking for what we need because we just might be disappointed when they can't or won't or don't. It can say more than we want to admit.
Vulnerability and expectation. My kryptonite and Achilles heel right there. That, I know I've written about.
So, I guess the moral of the story is, you've gotta ask for egg drop soup if you want it and think it'll help make you feel better. And, if they can't bring it, well I guess you'll just have to get your feverish ass in the car and go get it from someone else.
Or something.