more adventurous.

Livin and dyin every day.
I don't think anything sums me up more than that.
Even more so, it's borrowed, maybe even hijacked, from a friend's conversation with his father, but dammit if it isn't true, I just had to tuck it in my pocket, too, like most things, bits and pieces shared and borrowed from the people in my life.
I'm really trying to overcome it though. I set myself up for these high highs and get knocked down to the lowest of lows the first sign I get of failure or even just it's not going to work out quite like I had imagined it. And, trust me, I imagined it. I plan out the tiniest and biggest of things that are sure to be on the horizon at even a glimpse of a glimmer of a beginning of something.
And fall to pieces when that's not the way it goes.
Turns out, I'm a little dramatic in that way.
I feel like I'm constantly looking out to the horizon hand up to my forehead shielding my eyes from the sun squinting to see what's out there. What's next. What's ahead.
It's only now I'm leaning its not meant to be seen yet. Yet. What I imagine it to be or expect it to be will not be what it is and, more importantly, where I am now used to be a long distance ahead of me unseen until now. You know?
It's like, slow down, girl. Lets hang out here for a little while. Let's take in what's in front of my face. Let things be what they are today and nothing more and for that matter, nothing less.
A couple of weeks ago, I rode my first emotional roller coaster in years. The ups and downs. The thrills. The vomit inducing drops. I wasn't prepared.
As I sat, choking back tears between sips of whiskey or beer at the sight of something I really have no idea what I was looking at, it was very much an out of body "what the fuck am I doing pushing 30 cryin (though) sitting on a bar stool?!" moment.
I was living a moment ago.
And, now, I'm dying.
Just that quick.
Here's the the thing, when I'm living, I'm not living big. I don't seize moments. Take chances. Put it all out there and on the line. In the moment. I'm looking so far down the road I don't know the moment was there until I've already past it and that speck I thought was coming up on the horizon wasn't it at all.
This has been a constant issue, so go ahead kick my ass next time you see me. Shove me into the moment.
Even if I can't stop living and dying every day, I think it might be better if at least I'm doing it adventurously. It'll give y'all something better to talk about than me choking back tears of regret and slowly dying on a barstool and texting you about it.
Am I right?

lost and found.

I'm kind of lost. I've kind of lost myself.
I've gone back to my survival instincts of if I just keep hiding, don't make eye contact that thing that is very real will just go away. I'll get these urges to fight back, but that makes it real. So, I hide again. It never goes away, I just keep looking away. Making excuses. Accept it as part of the decor. Maybe I'll get a cute blanket or something to make it blend in.
Basically, for the first time in a long time, it's time to speak up in almost every area of my life and I find myself praying I lose my voice. Seriously. I felt a scratch in my throat a couple hours ago and I was hoping it would cause my voice to disappear by morning.
The thing I'm hiding from is the truth. By saying it out loud it makes it real and there are very real consequences. There's only one situation I can think of that could allow me to feel like a burden has been lifted, but it's so minor compared to the ton of bricks all the other ones will bury me in. The rubble that I'll have to dig my way out of. The fact that I know each way I look the world will look entirely different and, basically, I'm not ready to. I just started to accept what I see after 27 years.
I just want to do the right thing. I know the answers are obvious, but that doesn't make them easier even with their constant glaring. I try really hard to do the right thing and have little to no negative impact on others, but right now, I feel like any direction I go in I'm stepping on toes. Meanwhile, I'm stepping on eggshells.
So, I'm being challenged and tested again. Some situations are definitely pass or fail. I'm trying real hard to focus on the positives. To stop taking everything so personally. To understand that others actions (and consequences) aren't for me to own. To trust that I have done everything I can (and then some). To believe that magic happens when I'm out of my comfort zone.
I mean, I really don't have a need for any more cute blankets and my life is getting crowded with other people's bullshit again.
Time to do some spring cleaning. Find my way back and make sure if I'm lost, it is only for a little while.

spin.

It's really difficult to stay positive. For me anyway? For most people?
There are a few people I've encountered that have a way of letting things roll right off their back and not in a "don't give a shit" way either. It's one of the most admirable qualities I find in other people. I'm sure they break, too, maybe I'm just not who they choose to crack in front of.
I'm working really hard to put a positive spin on things. To own what I own. To trust that good, better, best is still ahead and worrying about it won't make it get here any faster. Sometimes happiness really is a choice. Sometimes.
I'm totally testing my endurance on this one. I have cracked and taken a time out (or two), but I've also become so sensitive to negativity it's almost as if I'm repulsed by it. You can only try to nudge someone in a positive direction so many times before you fight the urge to just shove them if at the very least just out of your way. And, if I hear another excuse I just may vomit, ok?
I get that everyone has their ups and downs. I've had more than a few bouts and it is important to have people you can just let it all out to. None of this is easy. It never will be. For anyone. But, damn, y'all, we're never going to win any of this if we gave up before the game even started.
All I know is, I'm feeling happier than I've felt in a long time. Not many things have changed in my life for me to pin point what's making it that way, and that's just it. I called that shot. Even in the face of the what ifs and have nots. I'm just kind of looking a little further ahead to the what's to comes and know they'll hit my door step right when I'm ready for em.

your turn.

It's really no secret that I get obsessed with things. Completely. A TV show. A song. A drink. A crush. The past. I will get consumed.
I want as much of it as I can get and I'm going to talk about it until there's nothing left to talk about that you haven't heard three times, probably. I realized today just how much I appreciate that patience, and more importantly, support in my friends whether it was about Glee or my imaginary boyfriend.
These little obsessions are just refreshing. They're changing my reality. Maybe temporarily, not always.
I'm really appreciating the opportunities that are coming my way, but, I think it's more about the fact that I'm open to them at all to say "yes," you know?
I'm having more fun, taking more chances and putting myself out there just a little tiny bit and that support I was talking about makes all the difference. And, I'm not just talking about the sweet, I've got your back no matter what kind, I'm talking about the "I believe in you and this and you should keep going" kind. The ones that have butterflies in their stomach for you when you don't even have them. That want to know every single detail. It's just about investment. Really. Showing up.
So, I'm making moves, really I've made all the ones I've got as of right now. I just hope we keep playing the game.

puzzle.

I realize I'm where I'm supposed to be for reasons I'm probably not even fully aware of yet and I'm totally ok with that. Really.
But, it's hard not to watch the stories unfold in other people's lives (whether actually being a part of it or just stalking it on Facebook), and not wonder or even get some sense of urgency for when these things are going to make their way into your own storyline.
I listen real hard though and I don't hear a tick tock of any sort of biological clock. (It may also be because it just so happens all of the clocks and watches I own have dead batteries...) While I'm not a patient person in many areas of my life at all, this one I'm cool with. In due time. At the right time.
Turning 27 and being a part of some really incredible, life changing moments for people in my life while I was 26 did make me kind of see the days flying by, calendar changing.
I don't think I'm old, or feel old or think my life is over, and even though I do joke about my little life and my 30th birthday wishlist that consists only of getting my eggs frozen before they get all crazy (that's only a half-joke, it is pretty much a plan right now), I haven't given up.
But, it's like, where do the puzzle pieces come from? I can't find them? I've put the corners and edges down, but there's no real picture forming here, y'all. And, it kind of kills me. I just want to know. I could wait for it as long as I knew for sure it'll come and get figured out. Maybe. Probably not. I could impatiently, but a little more confidently wait.
Do people I know now have the pieces hiding in their pockets or do I have to find the people, too? Pieces like "When am I going to move?," "Am I going to move?," "What am I doing?," "Where am I going?," and "Whose gonna be there?"
It's really just a pot boiling over with "what ifs?" it's my favorite thing to keep on the stove after all. 

conundrum.

I'm kind of trying to wrap my brain around the whole "perception is reality" thing. I mean, I get it on a basic level, but like whose perception is the real deal?
Just go with me for a minute.
Last night I had a few run ins with people from very different parts of my past and through catch up convos, I'm going to go ahead and admit, it felt really crazy to hear how they perceived me. In talking about the past with liquored up loose lips to hear people say things like how much they looked up to me in college and knew more about me than I ever knew people at such a distance could, it kind of blew my mind. Because it wasn't MY reality. It's not how I perceived myself to be. But, do I just not allow myself to see it? And, would arguing all of their points away change it?
I consider myself to be an observer. I'm the one who watches and takes notes and figures other people out. Why did I never consider that other people do, too?
I appreciated how candid they were and I was with them, too. On lots of subjects that I don't really get to talk so passionately about with very many people anymore. It was, in a word, refreshing. I mean, how can you not appreciate people saying they see you as this bad ass, take it or leave it, has her shit figured out girl? Granted, they haven't seen me in a while, but I didn't think I was projecting that in college either. I thought everyone was completely aware that I was (and still kind of am) an absolute fucking mess.
But, I drove home wondering just how people see me and, if more than one person does, maybe that is the reality? It's not every day people have the courage to just spill out what they think about you. it's not like I asked for it, but wouldn't it be nice if we could all always be so up front about it? Just say it?
I know who I am (today) sometimes that's easier to swallow than others. The reality is, it's always changing, always will. Some parts anyway. I always thought I wouldn't want to be who I used to be, but maybe I just got it all wrong? Well, not all of it. And, I'd be curious to know what the few people who I truly believe saw the real me then and now would say about that, too.
And, when I think about some people that are in the distance, I realize it takes major balls to come out and say just what you really think. Why is it hard to tell someone you think they seem pretty amazing? How is that a vulnerable spot to be in? And, here's the conundrum, my perception is probably not their reality.

keep it.

Wow. I caught my breath for about 24 hours and the urge to visit here quickly surfaced. That's great, right?
I went and read my first post of the year and my most recent one to remind myself of my proclamations and affirmations and, dammit, I'm proud that I did what I said I was going to do. Every single thing (ok, maybe with the exception of housecleaning-on a consistent basis anyway).
To then think of where I was on my last post on my birthday to today, a month and a half later, it's as if nothing and everything happened all at once. My life was pretty much handed over to work. It usually is, but I fought harder this year than ever before I think. Although, I think part of me mentally shuts down this time of year and I walk away in such a haze I don't really remember. It was, to say the least, a challenge on so many levels, but not the hardest and I faced it and conquered it.
I laid out a gauntlet of challenges this year for myself, others put some on the map, too. And looking back, I just went for it. It's as if I just found this will deep inside that was just like yelling "LEAP FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, LEAP!" So, I listened. As if I had a choice.
Here's the thing, I don't feel like I'm crossing a finish line as the calendar changes. There's no ribbon to run through, balloons, fireworks. It's no where near over. That doesn't scare me. I want more. Keep pushing. Keep going. Bigger. Better. Brighter.
So I'll keep making an effort to create positive habits.
I'll keep taking better care of myself.
I'll keep traveling, seeing and doing more.
I'll keep putting my energy into the amazing people in my life and I won't even worry about the ones who aren't.
I'll keep writing more.
I'll keep wanting more.
I'll keep saying "yes."
I'll keep being a bad ass.