call of forgiveness

I backed myself into no one's land. Shut every one out. Slammed the door, closed the curtains. There's no getting in and I'm pretending I'm not home.
Until recently.
Until recently, I allowed myself to believe that the most important people in my life didn't really care all that much about little ol' me. But, that's just a symptom of my own little turmoil because when I reached they were there. As much as they could be.
I have had a few powerful conversations lately. Allowed myself to be honest and opened that door up a little bit. I've learned a lot and let go of a ton.
One of those, was about forgiveness. What it really looks like, what it really means, but mostly, allowing myself to do it. She basically told me it's all or nothing. Wipe the slate clean. If you can't forgive and allow someone to change, there's no point. It's not fair.
And that goes both ways, for me, anyway. I have been so mad at myself for so many things. Constantly beating myself up over everything. Not giving myself a chance, much less the people in my life. It has been so easy for me to sit back and tell you what's fucked up about everything about you, but never getting the finger pointed back at me. How unfair. Though, if you really know me, that finger on my other hand is always aimed at myself.
I feel like I've been so stagnant. No growth. Forward motion. No pride. No hope. But I have dealt with some shit and, suddenly, burdens I've been carrying for years are being lifted. One by one. Some heavier than others, none any less important. And as I forgive you, I'm forgiving myself. Remembering. Reliving. Not really re-hashing. Accepting?
I don't know. It feels good. It feels like hope, waking up, breathing again, feeling again. I want to make plans and stick to them. I want to believe in you and myself. I want to love fearlessly. I want to have insatiable desires to be so much better.
I want. I need. I feel. I forgive.
you.
me.