I almost broke down at work on the sales floor because I just let all of my frustrations hit me the moment I got out of bed. The first customer I had talked to me like a dog and I bit my tongue as hard as I could to keep my job and when she left I had a "what the fuck am I doing?" moment and really began to question a lot of things, especially myself.
I almost cancelled on a friend to go to something I've been looking forward to for about a month to have a pity party of one at home. But, I got it together and went.
That's what I really want to talk about.
A local theater was having a special showing of one of my favorite movies that also is so deeply emotionally embedded in me. I feared the flood of memories that would come back watching it, but wanted so much to experience it again, especially in a theater.
So, I did.
We walked in and the music was playing and it took my breath away for a second. The flood gates opened. I held them back.
Amelie was a completely different experience for me. I sat with a grin on my face for most of the movie, but also knew the scene would come that a lump would form in my throat and I might have to look away.
It did.
I did. But, only for a second.
It's so frustrating that I can't shake those feelings so, so many years later. But, also so amazing that the heart holds on so tightly for so long. I wonder if it'll be forever. I don't want to fear that.
It was different because I finally got it. I thought I did before, but the message of the movie just now hit when it needed to.
I never remembered that it was about putting yourself out there. Taking risks. Not fearing love. Turns out that's the story of Amelie wrapped up in her world of doing-good in a rose, green and gold tinted world.
I finally get that this is the lesson I'm meant to learn this year. Last year it was about forgiveness, this year it's about being fearless.
Just a few days ago I had a patio conversation with a long lost friend about this. I was telling him about heartache and loss and how I just couldn't let anyone in again cause I just don't want to go there. I've spent so much time protecting myself, fighting for myself I've created a padded world that I don't want to escape so I don't have to feel those things again.
But, among the new lessons learned, I was reminded of how incredible those firsts moments of potential love feel. The overwhelming, weak knee, pit in your stomach, lump in your throat feelings that just make you feel alive. You never realize how numb you've been until those feelings hit you.
The thing is, I don't know when I'll feel it again. I don't know who those feelings will be for. But, I for damn sure know that I want to feel them again and I'm accepting that the opposite weakness, pits and lumps may be a consequence.
After all, "my little Amélie, you don't have bones of glass. You can take life's knocks. If you let this chance pass, eventually, your heart will become as dry and brittle as my skeleton. So, go get him, for Pete's sake!"
No comments:
Post a Comment