lighter.

Sundays off are a magical thing. I don't know what makes them different from having a Tuesday off or whatever, because I didn't have the whole weekend off, just Sunday. But, I woke up this morning so refreshed. I allowed myself to stay in my cozy cocoon with the sun pouring in doing absolutely nothing for about an hour. When I finally got up (I had to pee really bad is why), I immediately turned on some music and just started dancing and cleaning my house. As I was in my full on dance party of one in my living room, I realized that I needed to tie the drawstring on my pants to keep them up, something I never do. It got me wondering. I pulled out my scale and basically had to wipe the dust off of it, and since my doctor's appointment last month for my never-ending-sickness, I've dropped 10 pounds. Now, I've never been a small gal and never really see that for myself, there are plenty of times that I'm comfortable in my skin, but, I'll be honest, most of the time I'm not. I haven't been trying to lose weight. I haven't been counting cals or points or carbs or working out rigorously, I've done all of those things at different times, occasionally they've worked, most of the time they haven't. So, why all of the sudden without focusing on it does it happen? My answer, because I've started giving a shit about myself. Wanting more for myself. Opening up myself. And, I realized how much I've manifested how I feel about myself on the inside on the outside, like a barrier. No one will get close to me if I'm like this, so let me keep everyone away is how I think I've allowed myself to subconsciously feel. But, I've allowed people in at a size bigger than I am today because like I said, there are times when I really own everything about myself. The last time I had a drastic weight loss experience I was ending my high school career and buzzing on the feelings of first love. It was one of the most powerful feeling times of my life and I took control of something that I had felt out of my control for so long and it was so easy. I wasn't trying to get anyone's attention. My boyfriend at the time was clearly happy with who I was, so it wasn't for him either. It was all for me. I wanted to feel as good about myself as I did on the inside on the outside. So, I'm not saying that I'm just going to continue to magically lose weight. I mean, there's been some effort on my part, but the motivation was maintaining a strict budget so I could be financially fit for my trip to Las Vegas and any other thing that may come my way. I did start doing yoga but it was because I wanted to feel better. I cut out toxic things in my life for good reasons and with the burdens out of the way, things in every aspect of my life were starting to feel lighter. And as I carelessly danced my ass off this morning in my living room, I felt so much better. Things are really changing and I mean it because I'm the one who's changing. Inside and, apparently, out. I've been completely aware of how I've closed myself off in every aspect of my life. But, as I was reminding this morning, when I start to open up even a little bit and not allow myself to get in the way of good things that are trying to come in it can be pretty magical, especially on a Sunday, but even on a Tuesday if I let it. So, basically, I'm coming back, ya'll. Get ready.