single servings.

(this will be the last glee/Kelly clarkson referenced post. I promise. At least until April)
I've written about my new found love for pop jams, glee and my Kelly Clarkson experience and last night, they all converged.
This isn't going to be a glee ep recap (although it was the most intense one ever!), I'm gonna bring it back to me, I mean that's what it's all about anyway (jokes).
So, I've been single for over a year now. I wrote about that break up here, so I'll skip the details. I don't treat it as a scarlet letter. Truth be told, it's been the first time since I was about 17 that I haven't been in love with someone whether I should've been or it was returned or not. I became really aware after college that I had some things to work on within myself and it's really difficult to do when you give so much of yourself to someone else sometimes, even though that is one of the better parts of life. For most of my first year, I was really alone in it. Pretty much everyone in my life has been in a serious relationship and I was on the outside. Roles reversed. I wasn't bitter about it at all, but sometimes it is hard to be the single girl with all couple friends. In the last few months, more friends have joined my club and it's not something I'm happy about, but has been nice to be able to talk to someone about how I'm feeling over here in this boat. You know, the doubts about what the future holds and all. Having conversations about it, made me more aware of my status and I actually felt alone for the first time believe it or not. Everyone encouraging me to get out there. Making me feel like something is actually wrong because I'm single. Join a dating site? No, thanks. And, I've already talked about bar crawling. It's just not my thing. There have been run ins that have inspired what if moments, but the truth is, nothing happened and I realize it wasn't meant to. Sometimes we can just get so caught up in the excitement of new possibilities we create the story before the characters have even developed. I mean, at least I do. I've been conflicted about hearing that people are no longer single. You know, the ones you kind of keep in your back pocket? Different what ifs start to play out. Hell, even my IBF is getting press about a new relationship (I'm choosing to believe it's a PR stunt, btw.) That's not to say, I'm upset about it or hurt, it's just kind of a reality check. But, here's the thing, after having many single girl convos about the trials and tribulations of this, for me, uncharted territory, I've kind of been able to realize what I do and don't want. And, what I do know is, we, I, are worth more than meaningless flirtations, 3 am text messages, seriously uncalled for insults due to others insecurities, and, most of all, games. If you want it, say it. That goes for me, too. But, also, being single is not a bad thing at all. It's better than being in a relationship because it feels safer than swimming these waters alone. I don't believe in fairy tales, but I know when relationships work. People in your life should better it, and, I mean across the board. As far as I'm concerned, if I'm going to let you in this fortress of mine (I've cleared out some of the obstacles, though), you better be worth it. No one likes to be vulnerable, but I am trying harder to be courageous. So, last night when they performed "Stronger" on glee, it was a reminder. And as simple as it seems, just because I'm alone doesn't mean I'm lonely. I'm really not. Sure, there are times, but I don't wake up feeling like I'm the last single girl on earth and I need to keep my radar on and pounce. I'm standing a little taller (mostly thanks to my improved posture due to my yogs). I already knew I was a fighter, but I sure am glad I'm getting stronger. Things will work out, when they're meant to. I'm not real big on wasting time anymore and I'm also not looking for a safety net. I need someone who inspires me to be better because of how passionate they are about the things they want for themselves. And, for right now, I'm doing a pretty damn good job of doing that myself.