watch me.

A couple weeks ago, I saw this dude play and he was super cute and he sang super cute pop songs. As a part of his onstage banter he introduced a song and I couldn't for the life of me tell you what it was because I was too distracted by his aforementioned cuteness and the way he looked like he was doing it while he played his guitar and sang.
I'm getting sidetracked thinking about it.
Anyway, he said it was a song about a girl who really knew how to live. Who wasn't stuck inside her little box of her own world and what her life should be, but what it could be. Not giving up to just surrender and live her life in front of the stories being played out on her tv. Now you see why I remember this? (aside from the fact that my sister nudged me while he was saying all of this. Thanks for judging me.) I didn't really want to hear it or believe it at the time because I was just starting out on my new television love affair and truly don't believe that I'm not living my life. Am I living it big? No, not really most of the time. It's not like I don't make plans on purpose because I know one of my shows will be hitting my que, but I'm not choosing to be out there either.
Look, I don't have a whole lot of friends here and the ones I do have have their own things going on and, I'll be honest, after spending my days talking to hundreds of people and having mini counseling seshes with others, I'm ready to just hang out with myself for a minute.
And, I'll admit it, I did get a little obsessed with glee. Just a little, but you would too if you didn't think you were too cool for it. The shit's good, ok? And, alright, my IBF IS a real person in some land far, far away and I might've watched more YouTube videos of him than a gleeky fan girl, but it was fun to live an unrealistic life for a minute. It doesn't happen that often.
I could go out more and waste money on drinks I don't really want having conversations I'm not really paying attention to with people I don't really care about (if you're reading this, I swear I'm not talking about you). But taking care of myself and putting me first just seems the better option.
I've mentioned my expectations of others and I have expectations of myself, too. Some of them are based on what other people think I should be doing right now, others are imposed on me from external sources. So, I'm 26 and I'm supposed to be trolling the bars looking for love in all the wrong places apparently? Well, I kind of feel like that's as big a crock of bullshit as believing that Noah from The Notebook is real. I know, I want to believe that one, too. I want to believe that what I'm doing is what I'm supposed to be doing where I'm supposed to be doing it with who I'm doing it with, even if it is myself most of the time.
I'm not looking at someone else's life and wishing it for myself (anymore anyway) and I'd really appreciate it if you'd stop judging me for not wanting different things in my life right now.
I've got big plans for myself, don't stop believing that. I haven't. I'm not putting them off, I'm preparing for them. There have been a few times I've been glad things didn't work out the way I initially thought they would because I'm later able to see I wasn't ready for them to work out that way.
Some things do turn out in a fairy tale made for tv kind of way. Like that time I was preparing to go to LA and told everyone I was going to be BFFs with Karen O and ended up standing two feet away from her the first week my feet touched the ground in that city. I believe that to be one of the biggest signs of my life that I had ended up in the right place at the right time and I don't just mean the museum of natural history watching deerhoof play in front of a wooly mammoth. To think I almost backed out of going the night before I was supposed to leave due to my own fears and doubts that I let other people plant in my head.
The point is, when I leap, I leap big. I don't waste my risk taking energy on batting my eyes at some dude at the bar with visions of true love and wedding bells. I store it up and make big shit happen when I'm good and ready. And something always happens to say "girl, you did it. Now, just go with it."
So, I might be sitting too still in your opinion, but if that's the case you really don't know me at all. I will do all of the things I've always said I would and if you know me at all, you know that's true because I already have. On my time, on my terms.
And, who knows, I could cross paths with IBF. And while, when I'm really honest with myself, I know the "I" before the "BF" might not drop off, but dammit, I just REALLY want to be able to say "told you so" on that one.
I already hear you saying, "prove it."
And, to that I say, "watch me."