tickets.

(i'm just gonna be honest real quick, after writing that last night, i ended up staying up until way too late and waking up 15 minutes before i needed to leave. ugh. working on it, k?)

Accountability is a word that leaves my lips too many times to count. When I think about several events roll through my mind of holding people accountable both personally and professionally and I'm always overwhelmed with the feeling of how much I fucking hate it. Is it really that hard to do the right thing or to understand what the right thing is in the first place? Do we really need to have these conversations? Do they do anything to the person they are with? It's this really frustrating cycle and, as it turns out, is about 90% of my job.
See, in my opinion, there are just certain things a person should know and should always at least try to do. Price of admission, if you will. Hold me accountable, please! Chances are I've already kicked my own ass for the error or if you bring it up first, I will own it, and then kick my own ass.
I don't know if it's how I was raised, I'm not getting into daddy issues. (I don't really feel I have "daddy issues" by the way, I've totally accepted that man and our relationship.) But, I will say, that if my parents hadn't held me accountable I probably wouldn't be where I am.
I guess the first part of accountability is expectations. I do hold people in my life to a high expectation, I will never deny that and have struggled with it in recent years, bouncing back and forth from are my expectations too high to don't I deserve at least that and, sometimes, am I even worth that?
However, I will say my price of admission could be say like the price of a ticket to coachella, a pricey and limited admission, but extremely worth the price that I really hope you don't leave shaking your head saying "holy shit, I can't believe I paid that much for THAT." Versus, a show at a shitty bar with a shitty sound system with shitty drinks and a shitty band where you definitely walk out saying "holy shit, I can't believe I paid that much for THAT" and it was only five bucks. I'm tooting my own horn a little bit, aren't I? The point is, I don't let that many people in and I may have high expectations of you once you are in, but I try my hardest to make it worth it to you by having your back on anything even slightly worth having your back on. I want to be on the front row cheering for you and, honestly, just showing up for me is often times enough.
And, still I find myself holdin my breath for a quick sec and thinking to myself, "alright, we really are about to go here," and having to start a conversation that I should've never had to waste my breath on (again and again) to begin with.
So, please, call me out on it, I wanna be better, I want to own my bullshit and move on and grow from it. And, please, stop putting me in situations where I have to call you on yours because I think one of two things will happen, I will explode or coachella will be cancelled this year and every other year after that and you can blame yourself for never being able to even dream about seeing that killer line up, k?