no lies, just love.

So, with the weekend off, I decided to approach things a little differently. No to-do list, no list of things I want to do either, just let it happen. I am. This morning I woke up at a rather early time for a Saturday that I would usually force myself to sleep through because I could, I made a stop to pick up some things and sat on my patio to decide what I wanted to do today. It's gorgeous outside. GORGEOUS. So, I'm gonna eat that up.
I came inside threw on some clothes and decided to go for a walk (what?!). Best decision I've made in weeks. Headphones in. Go. Shuffle, right? Of course.
We've talked about how my shuffle function speaks to me and this glorious morning stroll was no exception.
Basically, I learned a thing or two about meditation this morning. I restrained myself from skipping through the playlist that was created just for me in this moment and cleared my head. Birds flew and weeping willows danced to Sigur Ros. I came to peace with something in myself. I picked up my pace a little bit to the Walkmen. Let something else go. I soaked up the sun, the children playing with the tiniest puppy I have ever seen, the uneven sidewalk and just said it's going to be OK. Alright? Then, I was in sight of my block a song came on that I hadn't listened to in years. A cool breeze tossed my hair and a vivid memory came up of studying on a blanket in front of the Dudley dorms, beautiful day under the oak tree and this Bright Eyes song hitting me so hard it almost knocked my breath away and inspired my first column that ever appeared in The Tech Talk my freshman year (I had to come home and dig to find it, or course).

The Joy In Forgetting / The Joy In Acceptance

"So, you say there are spaces,
Open and wide.
Believe me there's days,
Longer than nights.
And you will be happy the minute you try...
But you don't try.
No you don't try.

And you speak of a fever,
That burns you inside.
As you explain to your mother,
How you wanted to die.
So she kisses your fingers,
Says "My Darling but why?
When there is so much more...
There is so much more..."

Do you know there are spaces,
Open and wide.
Oh believe me, there's days,
Longer than nights.
And you will be happy,
If only you'd try.
Oh won't you try,
Oh won't you try..."

I'm putting up a fight, y'all. New road every day. New song. Whatever it takes. Open heart, open mind. I've always kept my heart pretty open, but I can't hate anyone for taking advantage of that anymore.
Moving forward, yeah?

Oh, by the way, I had another one of those little nudges I was talking about, only this one brought me to tears in front of my boss, not because of just that little moment, but all of it, and I was so happy that I allow myself to hear those things now and believe them.

easy come, easy go.

Oh, it comes and it goes, doesn't it? Always?
I haven't had much to say to anyone of any real importance lately, much less write, but I want to write right now, so I'm gonna. Hang on.
Today began as most of my days do, hitting the snooze every time my alarm goes off, Kitty in my face sayin' "bitch, get up, do something!" and me soaking in every second I can afford of face buried in my pillow.
But, somehow, I rallied. I have not been as productive as I was today in months and I did cause I wanted to, not because I had to and I now realize that's all the difference. Simple things that I was supposed to, big things I've been needing to and small things just for me. I left work not feeling like I had run a marathon, but that I got shit done today. I came home, took a shower that felt like I was scrubbing off layers of dirt from a hard day's work, cooked the best dinner I have cooked in months for just me, posted up on the couch and relished in my accomplishments of just one day.
I'm really not trying to brag, and y'all know me, I'm never one to toot my own horn, but I'ma gonna wear this badge today, k?
I spend so much time beating the shit out of myself about this, that and everything and feel like I'm not making a difference in my life or anyone else's, but I've had a few simple nods from unexpected places that have just felt so good. Like, wow, you really did notice that? Awesome. Like my peers who have been on this block for way longer than I have saying, "Hey, girl, good job, whatcha doin'? Can you help me with this right quick?" Sure, I'd love to. My dad's best friend telling me how proud I should be of myself because "your dad's been telling me..." Really? Thanks, Dad. Or a singer of a band who used to sleep on my floor call me out in a crowd and say "hey, you were there 10 years ago and look, you still are." Yep, and I'll be there next time, too. And best friends saying, "remember that time when... it really was the best." Yeah? I think so, too.
Just little pokes right in the side, saying "hey, we see you, why don't you go ahead and give yourself that real quick. I won't tell."
The other night I was standing in a group of people on a cobble stone patio plagued with ups and downs from roots trying to get out from under for a breath and I began to lose my balance and someone behind me grabbed me by the waist and helped me find my footing. It sent this overwhelming wave of emotion through my body. This comfort of actually feeling someone support you. It was such a relief, such a comfort. So strange that it impacted me that much. But, that's really all it takes just a little help to stand on solid ground.
Now, I'm not even going to start to pretend that this is some huge revelation and I'm not going back to my old ways tomorrow, but I felt it really important to note what a different a day makes. What a difference getting a little something done makes. What a difference a small comment can make.
'Cause tomorrow I'll wake up with a million alarms and a little black kitty face, roll over, bury myself back under the covers and put my feet on the floor at the last possible second, but maybe, just maybe, I'll have steadier footing and try to count the small things.
I'll let you know how that goes...