i mean.

The words "I mean..." come out of my mouth so much I don't even notice it. It's a part of a lot of my friends vernacular. I don't know where its origin came from, but in conversation with one of them, it holds meaning, many of them really. And, absolutely nothing at all at the same time.
That's my constant predicament. I need everything to mean something even when it means nothing at all. I will dig for it. Sometimes I feel like a soothsayer looking at chicken wing bones to get some answers. It's how I come to terms with everything even some things that most people never need to come to terms with. I mean, (see?) if I were to word search just this blog for the phrase "everything happens for a reason" I'd probably be embarrassed how many times it surfaced. Most of the time, it's a really positive mentality, but then there are times the blessing becomes a curse. I start dissecting an event from my life and seek meaning in the most meaningless. I'm a pro at reading between those lines, but I might misinterpret it from time to time.
It's exhausting, but it's my process so I have to come to terms with it. For real though, most of the time I'm right. At first, I'll probably make those bones mean something, I'll interpret that horoscope to mean what I want it to, over exaggerate little things to make them mean bigger things. So, well see. We always do. Eventually.
But, I mean, really, where would we be without wishful thinking?

living.

This was one of the longest, most exhausting, exciting, frustrating, but, most importantly, amazing weeks ever.
I'm really good at stretching myself too thin, but if it's gotta be done, it's gonna be and at the very least I will have tried really hard.
So, the precious Noah was born. It was one of, if not the most, special things I have ever been a part of and I am so glad I didn't miss a second. It was amazing to see how quickly life changes along with every one in it. I really can't put into words yet what it felt like, but I will never ever forget the first time I laid eyes on that child and how overcome I was with love for him.
I mean, how do you really follow that? There's really nothing worth mentioning after that.
I just lived a lot this past week. Let go. Lost it. Laughed. Slept a lot and then not much. Over-thought it. Forgot about it. Got a little weird. Had a little fun. Life, that's what we'll call it. Crazy.

good morning.

I've literally been laying in bed awake for most of three hours. I even got up and literally left the house to go get coffee and came home and just couldn't resist diving back in.
I had the most luxury sleep last night. I woke up to the sound of rain pounding on the roof at about 2 am and pulled the covers up and relished in it.
If my house used gas, I'd blame it on a leak. I won't beat myself up for being lazy. It's just this state of blissful relaxation I don't want to disturb.
Again, another thing I wish I could bottle. I'd have quite a collection, dontcha think?

luxury of time.

Where does the time go though really? On a large and small scale?
It's so strange to catch yourself in a moment and realize so much time has passed since (fill in blank) happened.
That's what's been blowing my mind lately, but I won't get into it much deeper than that.
So, here's what's been making me happy in the most recent gap of time:
My spotify playlists. Still doing them. June is very Paul Simon which brought me to the Vampire Weekend connection some summertime Beach Boys and some other jams peppered in there. I listen to these playlists while I'm doing something maybe not so fun to enjoy it or to tune out and de-stress.
Pool day with my sisters (the biological one and my chosen one) too much sun and maybe a little too much to drink, but both of those things are temporary.
The Paul Simon documentary about Graceland. Came along just as I was loving some of those songs again. Love how it works out like that.
Text messages. I've got a couple threads going that genuinely brighten my day with a laugh or just a smile.
Tan lines and freckles. They just make me feel better. I won't say that I'm not concerned about the potential consequences, but I will say I try not to think about it as I bake.
Obnoxiously bright colors. They're making their way to my nails and my wardrobe and they're just fun.
One more week til Noah. The excitement in my family is something I will truly cherish and am so thankful I was here to feel it. Can't wait to see him, I don't know if I'll be able to handle it.
I feel myself opening up. I see it, too. I really want to let people in, take chances, risks and just see what happens, because I'm confident it'll be ok, either way. I've realized when you let people give a shit, sometimes they actually do. Magic, right? Kind of. I'm going with it.
So, I'm feeling good. I'm kind of trying to bottle it and remind myself that it's really the simplest things that make the biggest difference. The next month will be extremely busy with work, and as for the personal, my ultimate challenge of all of these little lessons I've been collecting is that I don't have to sacrifice myself. I can walk in my house, turn on the music and do the things that make me happy. And, it'll be over, said and done before I know it. That's how time works, right?

truth.

Sometimes when I read a book, I honestly get pissed at how simple it is. "Oh, really, that's ALL it takes," is what rolls through my head as I finish the last page, close the book and make its new home on the shelf.
I told you I got the new Augusten Burroughs book and that I was conflicted about devouring or savoring it. I did both. I started it with heavy eye lids in bed one night until they weighed a million pounds. On my next day off, I took it to the pool and knocked out most of it in an afternoon floating in the pool. And then, it was almost done and I wasn't ready for it so it sat there teasing me for a few days. I finished it this morning on my patio.
It was so simple even though it was about some of the most difficult topics in life. As I was reading it, I wasn't pissed at the simplicity of it all, more so that no one in my life had ever had the balls to be so honest about the subject matter. It's just like hey, this is life, some of it is really hard and it sucks, but if you don't get over that, you're not living. Thank you.
So, as I hoped, it has inspired me, maybe not entirely to write (although here I am literally moments after it joined the family on the shelf), but to just get over it and move on. If you want more for yourself, get over yourself and do it.
I mean, the title isn't deceptive, it is very much a self-help book, but one that is easy to digest because it's just like "hey, no, for real though, this is real talk about (insert subject here that you're scared to have real talk about)"
So yeah, that's all it takes. He doesn't have any professional credentials to give advice or state the facts, just life experiences and tons of it. Been there, done that, here's how I survived.
It just got real, y'all. Stop talking about it, do something about it. Message received. Maybe it's been delivered before, but I wasn't ready to hear it? Got it. Loud and clear.

finals week.

It's amazing when you don't know the burdens you've really been carrying around until they start to lift and you physically feel the change. It's almost like I've been holding my breath for weeks and finally gotten to take a deep long inhale and catch it again.
The past few weeks have been like a final exam for me with so many things in my life. I won't recount them all, that would be really redundant because I have been processing things on some level here. But, for the first time, I've truly allowed myself to back far enough away from a situation to realize I can't own it. I won't. I won't let myself feel bad about it. I won't question myself.
I try really hard to do right by the people in my life. It's a selfish thing really. I can't handle going to sleep with unresolved issues. I can't walk away. It's a blessing and a curse and I've definitely seen the extremes of both ends of the spectrum.
I've sought out a lot of resolution to situations in my life recently. I have examined them from any possible angle and while they didn't work out the way I had imagined, they worked out the way they needed to.
I can't control how someone feels about me or how they choose to act towards me. Just how I feel and act. That's pretty simple and very "duh," but it's something I've struggled with for, well, pretty much always.
There will always be something that needs resolution, but I now realize, to a certain extent, it'll happen on its own terms. When it's meant to. How it's meant to. And, sometimes that just has to be enough.
I can bend over backwards and sideways and turn a blind eye and the other cheek all day long, but at the end of the day, I'm the one who feels the repercussions from that, not them. Meanwhile, the red flag has been waving in my face the entire time.
However, reaching the end of the road with no words left to say that haven't already been said and being able to walk in a different direction is a pretty great feeling. I won't rub your nose in it, you'll realize it soon enough and if not, well, I have to be ok with that, too.
Ultimately, I passed the test. I struggled on some of the answers, but I did it. I've caught my breath. The weight has been lifted.
It's all happening. I'm getting somewhere, y'all.

catch me.

There are some people who may think I'm ridiculous for truly wanting to live in my hometown again. I mean, I know there are. However, the one thing that made me long to come home was my family.
(sister, just stop reading now.)
As mentioned previously several times, I went through a bit of a rough patch for a little while and the only people who really knew it were my family. All of them had really encouraging, supportive, loving words to share with me in some of my darkest moments between my sobs on the telephone.
There was this one time my brother-in-law came to town for some business and we had dinner. The first time he and I had ever truly spent time together alone. I mean, two of the people who work for him were with us, but they barely spoke English and once he helped them navigate the Outback menu, he had one of the most honest conversations with me some one I really didn't think knew me all that well had ever had and though he might not remember it, it has always stuck with me.
He told me some things I didn't really want to hear because I knew they were true and it shocked me that he saw it, but he also shared how important I was to him and my sister. I thought about that conversation tonight while at their house and almost reached over to let him read my palm because everything he said that evening is exactly how it turned out to be.
The best one though was that he told me my sister needed me. Her and I, we've had our ups and downs as siblings usually do and I'm almost certain we'll have a few more rounds, but the absolute best part of me living here is that we have gotten so close. She's been there for me through some really difficult things, but she's also been there to celebrate my successes. I've been there for her best and worst, too, but most importantly for me, I've gotten to watch my sister become a mother. She has never looked better or been happier than she has been this last year or so. She's growing and changing in so many ways and it is all for the better.
We had lunch a few days ago and her eyes welled up with tears (a pretty common occurrence these days) as she apologized for everything being about her lately. Are you kidding? I've never been one to crave all eyes on me, don't let the fact that I choose to write only about myself fool you. I prefer to be the observer, to soak it all in and it has been one of the best experiences ever to stand on the side lines for this. I'll have my moments. I don't know when, but they'll make their way on the calendar eventually and I know she'll be the one throwing parties and helping me through each one of them. Only now that we're older, a little more confident in the very different paths we've both chosen, It will all be even better.
While I know we've both envied each other for different reasons from time to time, I love that after following such a treacherous path, she is now on one that is filled with the best there is with someone who loves her and for all of her. Someone who loves her so much, he loves me so much that I'm just his sister to him (as creepy as it could sound to someone who doesn't really know. He's stepped up the creepy factor by now calling me a sister wife ha!).
Tonight as we were having dinner, I was little blinded by a new ring on her hand and made the comment about how he's set the bar pretty high for any man that may come into my life and he later told me he's going to keep raising it and hopes one day he gets put to shame because that's what I deserve. That's amazing. It's incredible that someone I have known for less than a handful of years genuinely wants the absolute best for me and has helped me get more than I ever would've asked for.
The excitement I have for watching this new chapter unfold in just a matter of weeks is overwhelming. I can't wait to love that baby. And I may never be able to repay them for what they've given me, I will for sure try to match it with my love for that little boy, my brother and my sister.
I've never doubted my decision to move here for a second and if my happiness isn't enough proof I've made the right choice then I don't know what is. The thing is, I know not everyone has a family that truly believes in you and has your back and I know I'm so lucky that I do. Sure, we've got our problems. But there was this one time I felt like I was falling and didn't think anyone would be there to catch me, they were. Always have been. Always will.

new addition.

I got that new Augusten, y'all!
(along with major bed head, some pretty bad roots and that makeup free baby face. Seen below all of the words.)
So excited to step back into his world for a visit. The fact the back cover confidently proclaims that this is the book he was born to write makes me both so excited to devour it and want to slowly soak it in all at the same time. I'm conflicted that I may actually be a gay man on the inside based on my book shelves?
Anyway, it was him and a few others that made me fall in love with real life and all it's disgusting and beautiful truths spilled out on the page over other types of words. That, and a college class a couple years later that lit a personal passion for it inside of me. This book has been needing to find its way to me. It only makes sense that it falls into my lap now that I've already gotten bored with myself and my ramblings after only a short recommitment to writing.
So here's to turning pages and hopefully filling some of my own, k?