happy alone.

Now that falls knocking on the door and my personal life is about to jump out of the window (retail holiday, y'all), I'm living it up.
I'm not too sad that I've traded pool days for patio ones, although I will miss the tan for sure. It's kind of gotten me thinking about this last year with my birthday approaching. (I mean, it's a couple months away, but it's how I mark my calendar year. Is that a self-absorbed tendency?)
It's been huge. I think I've learned more about myself this year than I ever have. I've gotten to know myself pretty well, but I used this one to really challenge those realizations to make them into affirmations. I'll save the in-depth reflections for when the time really comes. But, as of right now, I'll say the best way to sum it up is I put myself out there. Clearing toxic bullshit out of your life can do a lot for a girl.
Yesterday, I made one of the best, irresponsible decisions I've ever made. I hopped in the car to make a few hour (at one time very familiar trip) to see one of my favorite bands that I've always wanted to see but have always let myself find an excuse not to. Alone. That's the kicker. I never ever would've done that before. But, I wanted to, so I did. I almost backed out for a number of reasons, some of which were pretty legitimate others were just awkward fears, but I went and it was one of the most gratifying personal experiences. Aside from the fact that the Walkmen are probably one of the most professional bands I've ever seen live or that they do indeed sound way better live than their recordings. I didn't have less of an experience because I walked in by myself.
I drove home feeling like a badass. It may seem small or like not that big of a deal, but it was a huge affirmation on how far I've come with my personal growth. I did it because I wanted to. I did it for myself. Those are two reasons I've had a really difficult time in the recent past justifying. It was this private moment I had in one of my favorite environments in a room full of strangers.
Another thing scratched off on my list. And the best part is, I don't really think there's very much left to check off, if anything. I meant it when I said it was the year of yes.

going and coming.

Last night watching an emotional moment of my favorite show, I was reminded of the exact moment I had in my life several years ago and was overwhelmed with the comfort of it.
See, on the eve of my adventure to that big city in California, I flipped the fuck out. Basically. I was dragging my feet to leave my big comfortable bubble of a house scrubbing the kitchen and bathroom (something that you know rarely got done if you ever visited), doing anything to postpone my departure in absolute panic attack hysterically crying mode. I was scared shitless.
The map had been literally drawn out and money had been deposited in my account by my father. All of my stuff was packed. My best friend ready for the biggest road trip of our lives and I just couldn't take that step out of the door.
I called my mom in the midst of all of this and she said the words that made it all better, " you can always come back, but you can't always leave." Urging me to take this risk (which she didn't see as a risk at all), knowing that it would change my life. She knew I was meant for this life and I felt it was possibly her proudest moment for me to see me take this leap into the great unknown into my future.
That's what she does. That's what great mommas and daddys do. Push you out of that nest, but reassure you as they do.
You can't always go, but you can always come back. Ain't that the truth? With everything? I kinda think so. And I don't just mean with like actual departures. Any scary risk going out on a limb thing in your life.
What's it called? Failure to launch? I talk myself out of far too many things because it may hurt. Either physical or emotionally (which I kind of believe are one in the same). I have the most difficult time escaping from that comfort bubble because nothing can happen to me in it, but that's just a pitiful way to live and I'm exhausted with it.
I've mentioned that my challenge this year is being fearless. I almost bought a bracelet with that word boldly stretching across it to serve as a daily reminder, but thought to any one who knows me that would be the most contradictory thing I could possibly wear on my wrist. But, why not make it true again? It was at one time. Not just the time I did go and, as it turns out, didn't want to come back.
I hope that bracelet is still there, and if it is, there's no going back.

mirrors.

Hey, so, I finally went on vacation. It's always refreshing to pretend for a moment that you live a luxury life and avoid all reality. Cause that's what I did.
Nikki can attest to the fact that I turn into a giddy little girl at the very sight of water and sand, add a trashy book/magazines and beer to the mix and you've uncovered my happy place. Not a care in the world in this little blonde head.
I'm always reminded that I have to live at the beach. My goal is to retire at 30 and just sit and stare at it until I can't see it anymore. I do wonder, however, if it is possible to take it for granted when it becomes your every day, but I can't quite come up with any way that could be true.
My only dose of reality was delivered by a couple who sat under the umbrella to our left. Here we all were in my happiest place on earth and she sat hiding under the umbrella with her iPhone inches away from her face taking pissy calls from work as her boyfriend tried to lighten her mood. She was so uptight and on edge and it frustrated the hell out of me.
I wondered how a girl like that could get a guy like him and how dumb she was to not realize what she had right in front of her, both the guy and the beach. She was short and whiny with him and made it so easy to judge her as I turned the page and cracked open another beer and ordered a Bloody Mary around noon.
I made a secret vow to never be like that, though, if I'm honest with myself (and I've gotten pretty good at that) I know that I've been her before. As hard as it is to believe you can take things you have for granted we do and maybe that even includes the beach. Maybe.
I wanted so bad to be that stranger's wake up call. To put a mirror up to her so she could see all the things she was missing because her iPhone was the only thing in her line of sight. But, I realized maybe she was mine? Maybe she was a reflection of who I used to be? My iPhone was stowed away except for when I used it to soundtrack our day and I banished all thoughts of work because I mean really there's nothing I can do almost 1,000 miles away. I've taken relationships for granted for sure. Not seeing who was sitting next to me for all of the good they're bringing into my life, just blinded by the things they aren't and, most likely, weren't really capable of. Unrealistic expectations derived from what I thought love and life and boyfriends should be.
So easy to sit on that high horse isn't it? But, for real, I've had a lot of time to think (and over think) who I was and who I am and who I want to be and I'm happy to say that even though I haven't been in a relationship in some time, I can see through my friendships that I'm not the distracted, self-absorbed friend I used to be. And, unfortunately, sometimes it takes losing a few things (like your mind, for one) to realize it when you finally look in the mirror and take in everything standing before you.