more adventurous.

Livin and dyin every day.
I don't think anything sums me up more than that.
Even more so, it's borrowed, maybe even hijacked, from a friend's conversation with his father, but dammit if it isn't true, I just had to tuck it in my pocket, too, like most things, bits and pieces shared and borrowed from the people in my life.
I'm really trying to overcome it though. I set myself up for these high highs and get knocked down to the lowest of lows the first sign I get of failure or even just it's not going to work out quite like I had imagined it. And, trust me, I imagined it. I plan out the tiniest and biggest of things that are sure to be on the horizon at even a glimpse of a glimmer of a beginning of something.
And fall to pieces when that's not the way it goes.
Turns out, I'm a little dramatic in that way.
I feel like I'm constantly looking out to the horizon hand up to my forehead shielding my eyes from the sun squinting to see what's out there. What's next. What's ahead.
It's only now I'm leaning its not meant to be seen yet. Yet. What I imagine it to be or expect it to be will not be what it is and, more importantly, where I am now used to be a long distance ahead of me unseen until now. You know?
It's like, slow down, girl. Lets hang out here for a little while. Let's take in what's in front of my face. Let things be what they are today and nothing more and for that matter, nothing less.
A couple of weeks ago, I rode my first emotional roller coaster in years. The ups and downs. The thrills. The vomit inducing drops. I wasn't prepared.
As I sat, choking back tears between sips of whiskey or beer at the sight of something I really have no idea what I was looking at, it was very much an out of body "what the fuck am I doing pushing 30 cryin (though) sitting on a bar stool?!" moment.
I was living a moment ago.
And, now, I'm dying.
Just that quick.
Here's the the thing, when I'm living, I'm not living big. I don't seize moments. Take chances. Put it all out there and on the line. In the moment. I'm looking so far down the road I don't know the moment was there until I've already past it and that speck I thought was coming up on the horizon wasn't it at all.
This has been a constant issue, so go ahead kick my ass next time you see me. Shove me into the moment.
Even if I can't stop living and dying every day, I think it might be better if at least I'm doing it adventurously. It'll give y'all something better to talk about than me choking back tears of regret and slowly dying on a barstool and texting you about it.
Am I right?