Things, they are a-changin, finally. I've spent so much time waiting for them to, I forgot that I had to make them do it. Wishful thinking is good, magical thinking is better.
As we all know, I buried myself in the past. It was suffocating. Now that I'm allowing things to happen, they do. Do I have to open the doors myself? Most of the time. I'm not used to chivalry anyway. I'm flinging them wide open, peeking inside and slamming them shut if need be.
Point is, taking chances, putting myself out there, being optimistic about the outcome. Lessons learned.
So, I'm feeling good, is what I'm trying to say.
Because
I can still get in the car with my best friend and drive all day and night just for a few hours of fun.
I forgot how good music feels in my soul.
My friends are all still there, still have my back.
I'm doing things for myself.
I'm not beating myself up for what I'm not doing today.
Cause I'm doing what I want to today.
Saying what I mean, meaning what I say.
And, OK with doing that on your terms if it'll reach you better.
Memories can be the best and worst things about life.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
writing about writing.
Yesterday was good for my soul. For the first time since college, I put my writing back out there in front of whoever stumbled upon it and the encouragement I received has re-lit a fire I thought may never find a spark again. Yes!
When I was a 15 year old girl just starting to figure a thing or two out about myself, I had surrounded myself with music and music magazines and shut the world out because no one really understood it like that silly little song did. I began writing a little in a journal and then a little bit online and something felt so right about it. About that time I had an English teacher who assigned us to write journal entries about more than what this character represented in this novel, they were about me and she would write notes in them as she graded them and she wrote, "please keep writing. have you ever thought about joining the newspaper staff" (she was in charge of it). Nope, not really. Then, I watched Almost Famous. It was as if this world had totally unlocked itself to me. Hey, I love music and I love to write, too. Why can't I be a William Miller? I did end up on the newspaper staff and for the first time ever in high school my peers would stop me in the hall and tell me they loved my story in the paper. My work with the high school paper got me some state and national awards. The fire was lit.
I realized this was a dream that could come true for me. Decided to pursue it in college. Had some great opportunities find their way to me and all along the way the little nods from family, friends, peers and strangers found their way to me and no matter what they said, what I always heard was "Keep going!" I made my way up the chain on the college newspaper and people there saw what I was doing and even bent some of the rules for me to let me do it. I got some more awards. And, the fire grew.
My dreams changed a bit in college. I worked for pretty much the entire time to get a spot on a music magazine. After having an internship at one and seeing behind the scenes and that, it turns out, they're used more as marketing tools for record labels these days, I backed away. Those aren't the terms I wanted it on.
I took a class in college that totally re-directed me just as I lost hope in the Almost Famous dream. Apparently, my more personal writing connected better to people anyway, maybe I should write books. My favorites are all memoirs maybe I can put my experience to the page and someone, somewhere will connect with it and it can move them the way those books moved me?
I graduated and basically stepped in a trap I had set out for myself. Turns out, I didn't want writing to be my "job," I want it all on my terms. I didn't ask for anyone to accept those terms and just decided I would have to find my own way and seek out opportunities myself. The fire started to die a little.
I got sucked into a black hole of myself for the next almost four years. I allowed myself to believe that no one cared again. No one understood it like that silly little song. The fire went out.
Turns out, you have to ask for what you want and maybe someone will take a chance with you. And, no one can light that fire for me, but they sure as hell can make it grow. Some silly little blog I wrote for some silly little web site was all it took. Who knew? Well, someone did and she encouraged me to ask. Someone else picked right back up where he left off and became the person I needed to read it before I even did to let me know if I should keep going. He didn't really have to this time, never really did I now realize.
So, me and writing, we broke up for a while. And it may never win a pulitzer, become a best seller and even make it to the eyes of more than a few people, but we're on again.
When I was a 15 year old girl just starting to figure a thing or two out about myself, I had surrounded myself with music and music magazines and shut the world out because no one really understood it like that silly little song did. I began writing a little in a journal and then a little bit online and something felt so right about it. About that time I had an English teacher who assigned us to write journal entries about more than what this character represented in this novel, they were about me and she would write notes in them as she graded them and she wrote, "please keep writing. have you ever thought about joining the newspaper staff" (she was in charge of it). Nope, not really. Then, I watched Almost Famous. It was as if this world had totally unlocked itself to me. Hey, I love music and I love to write, too. Why can't I be a William Miller? I did end up on the newspaper staff and for the first time ever in high school my peers would stop me in the hall and tell me they loved my story in the paper. My work with the high school paper got me some state and national awards. The fire was lit.
I realized this was a dream that could come true for me. Decided to pursue it in college. Had some great opportunities find their way to me and all along the way the little nods from family, friends, peers and strangers found their way to me and no matter what they said, what I always heard was "Keep going!" I made my way up the chain on the college newspaper and people there saw what I was doing and even bent some of the rules for me to let me do it. I got some more awards. And, the fire grew.
My dreams changed a bit in college. I worked for pretty much the entire time to get a spot on a music magazine. After having an internship at one and seeing behind the scenes and that, it turns out, they're used more as marketing tools for record labels these days, I backed away. Those aren't the terms I wanted it on.
I took a class in college that totally re-directed me just as I lost hope in the Almost Famous dream. Apparently, my more personal writing connected better to people anyway, maybe I should write books. My favorites are all memoirs maybe I can put my experience to the page and someone, somewhere will connect with it and it can move them the way those books moved me?
I graduated and basically stepped in a trap I had set out for myself. Turns out, I didn't want writing to be my "job," I want it all on my terms. I didn't ask for anyone to accept those terms and just decided I would have to find my own way and seek out opportunities myself. The fire started to die a little.
I got sucked into a black hole of myself for the next almost four years. I allowed myself to believe that no one cared again. No one understood it like that silly little song. The fire went out.
Turns out, you have to ask for what you want and maybe someone will take a chance with you. And, no one can light that fire for me, but they sure as hell can make it grow. Some silly little blog I wrote for some silly little web site was all it took. Who knew? Well, someone did and she encouraged me to ask. Someone else picked right back up where he left off and became the person I needed to read it before I even did to let me know if I should keep going. He didn't really have to this time, never really did I now realize.
So, me and writing, we broke up for a while. And it may never win a pulitzer, become a best seller and even make it to the eyes of more than a few people, but we're on again.
Monday, October 10, 2011
loose ends.
I feel like I keep stumbling upon these things that I just left sitting in the past. I never really acknowledged them then and I sure as hell forgot about them for a long time and all of the sudden it's like they pop to the surface to say what's up.
What do I do with them? It was so long ago is it even worth going back there? But, if I don't will there always be a "what if" or will they just slip under the surface again just to resurface in another five years? I'm not OK with that.
So, I either need to get it together and tie that loose end up or just move on. I don't want to do either.
It's just this constant fear that I'm fighting. Fear of what? What will I really be losing because, I mean, I never had it to begin with? Fear of maybe I remember it being something better than it was? Fear of just being so damn nostalgic about everything why can't I just move on?
I just want to have a bunch of tied bows staring back at me. They don't have to be pretty, just good enough to seal it.
Cause, I mean, these circles my mind keeps swimming are just absolutely exhausting and I'm not going anywhere anyway.
What do I do with them? It was so long ago is it even worth going back there? But, if I don't will there always be a "what if" or will they just slip under the surface again just to resurface in another five years? I'm not OK with that.
So, I either need to get it together and tie that loose end up or just move on. I don't want to do either.
It's just this constant fear that I'm fighting. Fear of what? What will I really be losing because, I mean, I never had it to begin with? Fear of maybe I remember it being something better than it was? Fear of just being so damn nostalgic about everything why can't I just move on?
I just want to have a bunch of tied bows staring back at me. They don't have to be pretty, just good enough to seal it.
Cause, I mean, these circles my mind keeps swimming are just absolutely exhausting and I'm not going anywhere anyway.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
one wing.
It's fall, ya'll. Seasons, they're what's up.
Fall and Spring are the best because they're such a welcomed relief from the extremes you endure, no matter how fleeting they are in Louisiana.
And, October, I think you may be my favorite month.
I just happened to be off on Oct. 1, I stepped outside with my cup of coffee and posted up on my patio for pretty much the entire day and almost every waking hour I've spent at home since. I felt ridiculously inspired and worked on my first assignment in years and just felt this overwhelming feeling of relief when each one was near completion. I've known for years that part of my personal unhappiness has come from my inability to really write and it be what I meant to say, but now, I think that those quiet years were neccessary to fuel what is now spilling out onto the page, because dammit! I've got something to say!
So, I'm committed to the process. Stopping what I'm doing and putting it out there immediately, very few things are as important. Laundry can wait and so can that phone call I don't really want to answer anyway.
And, really, the root of it all is, I'm ready to say it and I'm not as worried about who hears it. I believe in what I have to say and I believe who I'm finally starting to become.
Fall and Spring are the best because they're such a welcomed relief from the extremes you endure, no matter how fleeting they are in Louisiana.
And, October, I think you may be my favorite month.
I just happened to be off on Oct. 1, I stepped outside with my cup of coffee and posted up on my patio for pretty much the entire day and almost every waking hour I've spent at home since. I felt ridiculously inspired and worked on my first assignment in years and just felt this overwhelming feeling of relief when each one was near completion. I've known for years that part of my personal unhappiness has come from my inability to really write and it be what I meant to say, but now, I think that those quiet years were neccessary to fuel what is now spilling out onto the page, because dammit! I've got something to say!
So, I'm committed to the process. Stopping what I'm doing and putting it out there immediately, very few things are as important. Laundry can wait and so can that phone call I don't really want to answer anyway.
And, really, the root of it all is, I'm ready to say it and I'm not as worried about who hears it. I believe in what I have to say and I believe who I'm finally starting to become.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
the good fight.
So, here's the thing... I write a lot about my revelations as they come to me. Kind of like a way for me to commit because there, I said it, I've got to hold to it. Someone out there is saying "prove it." Sometimes I do prove it, sometimes I don't. That doesn't make them any less true or right, but let's face it, some days are harder than others, feel better than others.
But, just now, I had another one and I'm gonna stream of consciousness work through it. Stay with me. I went to bed with a lot of burdens last night. And, by went to bed, that's what I mean. I tossed. I turned. Tried this position or that to find the magic one that would be oh-so-comfortable sleep would be irresistible. Never found it. Turns out the mind seeks a certain type of comfort and it doesn't matter how your head is positioned on a pillow.
But, before that, I watched a movie. Not really worth mentioning, it came in the mail and thought it would help me tune out what was swirling around and it did, and, of course when it was done, it all came back. Although, it was a little different because I did identify with one of the characters (aside from the fact I've always thought the actress looks like my mother when she was younger). She realizes through a serious of dramatic events, of course, that she's always fighting for everyone else. Always rooting everyone else on. Always giving up something she may want, because, hey, they want it, too, I'll just find something else. And, I'm not about to set up a pity party for myself or anything, but, fuck, it was looking at a version of myself I never really thought about before. I feel as though there have been too many times that I've fought the good fight, begged, pleaded for people and things to stay around for a while. I shy away from asking for what I really want because I guess I question if I really deserve it. But, here's the thing, there haven't been that many times I can recall that I really felt a fight for me. Maybe because I don't really give anyone a chance to because I take the reigns or there's a feeling that I'll always be there (and that's something I'm honored by, in a way). I have a strong sense of loyalty to most of the people and things in my life. I'll do anything you need for you, if I can. But, now here's the realization coming, I can't. I can't fucking do it. I'm tired. I'm tired of fighting for everyone else and not feeling that I've got someone fighting with me. I shouldn't have to convince anyone to stick it out with me. I shouldn't have to convince you to believe in me.
By no means, am I bitter for realizing this. If there's anyone to blame it's myself. 100%. I've let it all happen this way. The only one holding me back is me. I have to start asking for what I want and saying out loud what I don't want. I shouldn't feel bad about high expectations because dammit, I should feel worth those things.
My tongue is scarred from biting it. My ears have gotten really good at hearing only what I want to. But, my mind is losing the strength to ignore what's not right. My heart has been too heavy. My back is all knotted and my feet hurt from carrying it all.
But, I promise, I'm not holding back anymore. I've got a life to live, and I believe that it's got the potential to be a great one. I've got things that are worth doing. And, I'll keep fighting for you because I want to, but I'm gonna fight even harder for me. I'll be better, stronger and for those people who stick around or new ones that come around, I'll be better for anyway.
And, that, is change I can believe in. That is a promise that is so worth keeping.
But, just now, I had another one and I'm gonna stream of consciousness work through it. Stay with me. I went to bed with a lot of burdens last night. And, by went to bed, that's what I mean. I tossed. I turned. Tried this position or that to find the magic one that would be oh-so-comfortable sleep would be irresistible. Never found it. Turns out the mind seeks a certain type of comfort and it doesn't matter how your head is positioned on a pillow.
But, before that, I watched a movie. Not really worth mentioning, it came in the mail and thought it would help me tune out what was swirling around and it did, and, of course when it was done, it all came back. Although, it was a little different because I did identify with one of the characters (aside from the fact I've always thought the actress looks like my mother when she was younger). She realizes through a serious of dramatic events, of course, that she's always fighting for everyone else. Always rooting everyone else on. Always giving up something she may want, because, hey, they want it, too, I'll just find something else. And, I'm not about to set up a pity party for myself or anything, but, fuck, it was looking at a version of myself I never really thought about before. I feel as though there have been too many times that I've fought the good fight, begged, pleaded for people and things to stay around for a while. I shy away from asking for what I really want because I guess I question if I really deserve it. But, here's the thing, there haven't been that many times I can recall that I really felt a fight for me. Maybe because I don't really give anyone a chance to because I take the reigns or there's a feeling that I'll always be there (and that's something I'm honored by, in a way). I have a strong sense of loyalty to most of the people and things in my life. I'll do anything you need for you, if I can. But, now here's the realization coming, I can't. I can't fucking do it. I'm tired. I'm tired of fighting for everyone else and not feeling that I've got someone fighting with me. I shouldn't have to convince anyone to stick it out with me. I shouldn't have to convince you to believe in me.
By no means, am I bitter for realizing this. If there's anyone to blame it's myself. 100%. I've let it all happen this way. The only one holding me back is me. I have to start asking for what I want and saying out loud what I don't want. I shouldn't feel bad about high expectations because dammit, I should feel worth those things.
My tongue is scarred from biting it. My ears have gotten really good at hearing only what I want to. But, my mind is losing the strength to ignore what's not right. My heart has been too heavy. My back is all knotted and my feet hurt from carrying it all.
But, I promise, I'm not holding back anymore. I've got a life to live, and I believe that it's got the potential to be a great one. I've got things that are worth doing. And, I'll keep fighting for you because I want to, but I'm gonna fight even harder for me. I'll be better, stronger and for those people who stick around or new ones that come around, I'll be better for anyway.
And, that, is change I can believe in. That is a promise that is so worth keeping.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Wash it away.
My 25th year is coming to a close in about a month. Through all the unexpected twists and turns, all I see are deadlines glaring back at me. All of those things I said I would finally cross off. However, there are many things I'm happy to see a line drawn through and the others I'm starting to realize will probably always be there. Always unfinished. Always a work in progress. But as long as they don't sit ignored I'm going to go ahead and give myself a nod.
More or less a story of breaking old habits and starting new ones. Like bubble baths as hot as I can stand almost every night. Soaking til the water is cool again and my mind is a little less cloudy before it hits the pillow. Just taking time for me. Lord knows I've got plenty of that on my hands.
There are some exciting things on yr horizon. New writing outlets that will go beyond a small circle to a really big one. New focus on care for myself that will start to show how I'm changing inside on the outside. Just putting in the daily effort to get back to me. No apologies. Picking my battles. Continued forward motion.
This is nowhere near where I thought I'd be, but I have to keep trusting it's where I'm supposed to be. I'm not finding myself stopping dead and turning around to peer behind me as far as my mind can see. Things that are meant to will find there way back on this journey and I'll find gratitude either way.
Anyway, bath water's cold.
More or less a story of breaking old habits and starting new ones. Like bubble baths as hot as I can stand almost every night. Soaking til the water is cool again and my mind is a little less cloudy before it hits the pillow. Just taking time for me. Lord knows I've got plenty of that on my hands.
There are some exciting things on yr horizon. New writing outlets that will go beyond a small circle to a really big one. New focus on care for myself that will start to show how I'm changing inside on the outside. Just putting in the daily effort to get back to me. No apologies. Picking my battles. Continued forward motion.
This is nowhere near where I thought I'd be, but I have to keep trusting it's where I'm supposed to be. I'm not finding myself stopping dead and turning around to peer behind me as far as my mind can see. Things that are meant to will find there way back on this journey and I'll find gratitude either way.
Anyway, bath water's cold.
Friday, August 19, 2011
.
When I lived at 414, I had these song lyrics written on my bedroom window from the day I moved in until pretty much the moment I walked out for the last time. It's a song about regret and moving on and living fearlessly and knowing you're doing it all the best you can. It was an anthem of sorts for a long time, replaced several times over, but, the question, "but, what can you change?" always comes to mind when I find myself reaching for some moment in the past with "what ifs?" rolling though my mind.
I used to say regret is a useless emotion. You can't change it, move on. But, I kind of lost the power to do so. I. can't. let. go. I thought I had, but now know that I never really did, just dug its grave really, really deep.
I've recently caught myself with a shovel in my hand one too many times. Digging the shit up. Catching glimpses of it, reliving a piece of it, cringing, regretting, trying to think of ways to make it different now. Impossible.
I have to let it all go. I have to move forward. I have to move on.
The good news is, each day I'm feeling more and more like I want to. I think part of why I keep going back is because I'm starting to want to say, "hey, take a look at me now. You were around when I was really not feeling like myself and I want you to remember something different this next time we part ways." I have no control of that either though.
The fog is clearing. I can see in front of me again, and more importantly, I'm taking more control of what I'm beginning to see on the horizon. I may not be proud of what I'm leaving behind entirely right now, maybe I will when there's enough distance between then and now. I know that it happened for a reason, and a good one at that, but sometimes those are hard to find.
But, if I have to find a reason for today, it's just going to have to be that it happened because tomorrow has to come and I have to be OK if there isn't a period at the end of that sentence, even if it seems unfinished. I also have the courage to put one if it needs to go there. (it does.)
I guess I have to start allowing things to change. For the good or the bad. The good things will still be around and get better with time as most things do. There are other things that are good for right now, and that's OK, too. I have to stop trying to make things last forever if they're not meant to. Some things have an expiration date. I just have to make myself let go of the old so I can recognize the right now.
Because I've always wanted to be able to turn and look down the path that's lead me here and know that I did it all the best I knew how.
Period.
I used to say regret is a useless emotion. You can't change it, move on. But, I kind of lost the power to do so. I. can't. let. go. I thought I had, but now know that I never really did, just dug its grave really, really deep.
I've recently caught myself with a shovel in my hand one too many times. Digging the shit up. Catching glimpses of it, reliving a piece of it, cringing, regretting, trying to think of ways to make it different now. Impossible.
I have to let it all go. I have to move forward. I have to move on.
The good news is, each day I'm feeling more and more like I want to. I think part of why I keep going back is because I'm starting to want to say, "hey, take a look at me now. You were around when I was really not feeling like myself and I want you to remember something different this next time we part ways." I have no control of that either though.
The fog is clearing. I can see in front of me again, and more importantly, I'm taking more control of what I'm beginning to see on the horizon. I may not be proud of what I'm leaving behind entirely right now, maybe I will when there's enough distance between then and now. I know that it happened for a reason, and a good one at that, but sometimes those are hard to find.
But, if I have to find a reason for today, it's just going to have to be that it happened because tomorrow has to come and I have to be OK if there isn't a period at the end of that sentence, even if it seems unfinished. I also have the courage to put one if it needs to go there. (it does.)
I guess I have to start allowing things to change. For the good or the bad. The good things will still be around and get better with time as most things do. There are other things that are good for right now, and that's OK, too. I have to stop trying to make things last forever if they're not meant to. Some things have an expiration date. I just have to make myself let go of the old so I can recognize the right now.
Because I've always wanted to be able to turn and look down the path that's lead me here and know that I did it all the best I knew how.
Period.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
are you losing me?
Journeys. It's all this life is about I think. Adventures, they're the sweet spots of it all. I've been thinking a lot about all of this lately. My own adventure, turned journey to Los Angeles and those of the ones I love, too. Turning points. They're so good.
JJ began to set out on his. A little late, he thought, but I kind of think it's perfect timing. Talking to him about his hopes, fears, excitement as he prepared to leave, I began to go back to mine. I wish I could hop in the car and share his with him, too. So, I made him a really long playlist. The soundtrack to everything. Just scrolled through my songs and found 80 of 'em that were connected to something good. Sometimes listening to certain songs it just sucks you in, right? You just go back. I can smell things or taste them sometimes. I can always picture it. It's amazing. The fact there are 80+ of those (as I'm listening to it myself I keep thinking, "oh, I want to listen to _____ song now.") is pretty incredible and has been quite an experience to just absorb it all. It's kind of humbling in some ways, so nostalgic and very much an emotional roller coaster.
I think I'll continue to add to it as I remember more songs and form attachments to new ones. It will tell such a good story and maybe even a different one to everyone who shares those songs with me.
Here are some of my highlights:
JJ began to set out on his. A little late, he thought, but I kind of think it's perfect timing. Talking to him about his hopes, fears, excitement as he prepared to leave, I began to go back to mine. I wish I could hop in the car and share his with him, too. So, I made him a really long playlist. The soundtrack to everything. Just scrolled through my songs and found 80 of 'em that were connected to something good. Sometimes listening to certain songs it just sucks you in, right? You just go back. I can smell things or taste them sometimes. I can always picture it. It's amazing. The fact there are 80+ of those (as I'm listening to it myself I keep thinking, "oh, I want to listen to _____ song now.") is pretty incredible and has been quite an experience to just absorb it all. It's kind of humbling in some ways, so nostalgic and very much an emotional roller coaster.
I think I'll continue to add to it as I remember more songs and form attachments to new ones. It will tell such a good story and maybe even a different one to everyone who shares those songs with me.
Here are some of my highlights:
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
ocean breathes salty
It never fails, every time I'm able to spend even the tiniest bit of time with true friends, it is like an instant re-charge and gets me through. I've been making that happen for myself a little bit more lately. Something so simple as developing rosy cheeks at happy hour or so big as sitting in the ocean at 4 a.m. or so small as a little chat that leads to a big conversation. It all just feels right. In those moments, all is right.
The other night, when I was in the ocean. Laughing, rocking back and forth, without a care in the world, I got a bit overwhelmed. (Typical). The very beach I built sand castles at as a child seeing the wonder of not seeing an end to the big world out there, there I was with three one-time strangers I never would've guessed would continue to be in my life in whatever context they're in.
It felt kind of small that night. Pitch black. Shuffling along the bottom not knowing when it would drop. That's kind of the difference between then and now. For me, anyway.
At first, I cared. What if (insert something silly, but also kinda possible here i.e. stingray) is out here? We can't see shit.
"Oh, well," one of them says, "Could be a cool story."
"I'll grab a flashlight so we can try to see," says another.
"Nope. Can't see shit."
"Oh, well."
"Let's go."
"It's just water," says the other. "Get in it."
And, I did.
I sat there, swaying with the waves, and soaked it all in. Lived up every drop of this delicious moment. And felt this overwhelming surge of this is really what it's all about. Just going for it. Being open to all possibilities, even if they could have a scary outcome.
I've just got this fear right in my gut. Fear of going out there. I can't see just where I'm going so I'm just gonna sit here until the sun comes up. Fear of taking that first step because somebody out there is gonna hurt me, I just know it. And, that is true. It does happen. But, I'm kinda feeling like that risk is just a part of the rush.
And, I mean, really, how many times have you heard of someone dying from a sting ray?
(No offense, Steve.)
this was actually the song that was in my head that night:
"Your body may be gone, I'm gonna carry you in.
In my head, in my heart, in my soul.
And maybe we'll get lucky and we'll both live again.
Well I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Don't think so.
Well that is that and this is this.
You tell me what you want and I'll tell you what you get.
You get away from me. You get away from me.
Collected my belongings and I left the jail.
Well thanks for the time, I needed to think a spell.
I had to think awhile. I had to think awhile.
The ocean breathes salty, won't you carry it in?
In your head, in your mouth, in your soul.
And maybe we'll get lucky and we'll both grow old.
Well I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I hope so.
Well that is that and this is this.
You tell me what you want and I'll tell you what you get.
You get away from me. (You get away from me) You get away from me.
Collected my belongings and I left the jail.
Well thanks for the time, I needed to think a spell.
I had to think awhile. (I had to think awhile) I had to think awhile.
Well that is that and this is this.
Will you tell me what you saw and I'll tell you what you missed,
when the ocean met the sky. (You missed, you missed)
You missed when time and life shook hands and said goodbye. (You missed)
When the earth folded in on itself. (You missed)
And said "Good luck, for your sake I hope heaven and hell (You missed, you missed)
are really there, but I wouldn't hold my breath." (You missed, you missed)
You wasted life, why wouldn't you waste death? (You missed, you missed)
You wasted life, why wouldn't you waste death?
The ocean breathes salty, won't you carry it in?
In your head, in your mouth, in your soul.
The more we move ahead the more we're stuck in rewind.
Well I don't mind. I don't mind. How the hell could I mind?
Well that is that and this is this.
You tell me what you want and I'll tell you what you get.
You get away from me. (You get away from me) You get away from me.
Well that is that and this is this.
Will you tell me what you saw and I'll tell you what you missed,
when the ocean met the sky. (You missed, you missed)
You wasted life, why wouldn't you waste the afterlife?"
The other night, when I was in the ocean. Laughing, rocking back and forth, without a care in the world, I got a bit overwhelmed. (Typical). The very beach I built sand castles at as a child seeing the wonder of not seeing an end to the big world out there, there I was with three one-time strangers I never would've guessed would continue to be in my life in whatever context they're in.
It felt kind of small that night. Pitch black. Shuffling along the bottom not knowing when it would drop. That's kind of the difference between then and now. For me, anyway.
At first, I cared. What if (insert something silly, but also kinda possible here i.e. stingray) is out here? We can't see shit.
"Oh, well," one of them says, "Could be a cool story."
"I'll grab a flashlight so we can try to see," says another.
"Nope. Can't see shit."
"Oh, well."
"Let's go."
"It's just water," says the other. "Get in it."
And, I did.
I sat there, swaying with the waves, and soaked it all in. Lived up every drop of this delicious moment. And felt this overwhelming surge of this is really what it's all about. Just going for it. Being open to all possibilities, even if they could have a scary outcome.
I've just got this fear right in my gut. Fear of going out there. I can't see just where I'm going so I'm just gonna sit here until the sun comes up. Fear of taking that first step because somebody out there is gonna hurt me, I just know it. And, that is true. It does happen. But, I'm kinda feeling like that risk is just a part of the rush.
And, I mean, really, how many times have you heard of someone dying from a sting ray?
(No offense, Steve.)
this was actually the song that was in my head that night:
"Your body may be gone, I'm gonna carry you in.
In my head, in my heart, in my soul.
And maybe we'll get lucky and we'll both live again.
Well I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Don't think so.
Well that is that and this is this.
You tell me what you want and I'll tell you what you get.
You get away from me. You get away from me.
Collected my belongings and I left the jail.
Well thanks for the time, I needed to think a spell.
I had to think awhile. I had to think awhile.
The ocean breathes salty, won't you carry it in?
In your head, in your mouth, in your soul.
And maybe we'll get lucky and we'll both grow old.
Well I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I hope so.
Well that is that and this is this.
You tell me what you want and I'll tell you what you get.
You get away from me. (You get away from me) You get away from me.
Collected my belongings and I left the jail.
Well thanks for the time, I needed to think a spell.
I had to think awhile. (I had to think awhile) I had to think awhile.
Well that is that and this is this.
Will you tell me what you saw and I'll tell you what you missed,
when the ocean met the sky. (You missed, you missed)
You missed when time and life shook hands and said goodbye. (You missed)
When the earth folded in on itself. (You missed)
And said "Good luck, for your sake I hope heaven and hell (You missed, you missed)
are really there, but I wouldn't hold my breath." (You missed, you missed)
You wasted life, why wouldn't you waste death? (You missed, you missed)
You wasted life, why wouldn't you waste death?
The ocean breathes salty, won't you carry it in?
In your head, in your mouth, in your soul.
The more we move ahead the more we're stuck in rewind.
Well I don't mind. I don't mind. How the hell could I mind?
Well that is that and this is this.
You tell me what you want and I'll tell you what you get.
You get away from me. (You get away from me) You get away from me.
Well that is that and this is this.
Will you tell me what you saw and I'll tell you what you missed,
when the ocean met the sky. (You missed, you missed)
You wasted life, why wouldn't you waste the afterlife?"
Thursday, July 14, 2011
bad blood.
I've been getting caught up on True Blood lately. It's silly, I know. But, I love it, can't help it and won't apologize for it. I mean, it's Alan Ball, people! After Six Feet Under, he made it on to my list of people I want to be along with Cameron Crowe. Anyway, if you allow yourself to, you can find some pretty awesome themes that are twisted in ridiculous supernatural things, but are so true to life. It, in a way, makes real life seem more ridiculous. I won't go in depth on my True Blood studies, but if there's one thing that Sookie Stackhouse has the power to do (aside from reading minds), it is to rescind invitations of the vampires in her life.
I've got a list of blood-sucking, full of shit, terrible people that given the chance to say "I RESCIND MY INVITATION!" to I would be so happy to see them fast-motion moon walk out of my home and life. They could just stand just past the thresh hold of my life looking in like sad puppies hoping I'll invite them in again.
But, the thing is, I feel like in some ways I do have this power. I just have to make the grand gesture of doing so. I have never been able to give up on people. I have battled myself over my expectations of people (are they too high? but, I do deserve at least that right?). The bad outweighs the good. I don't want to be baggage to anyone else. But, the vampires of my life, have got to get out. I'm not a vengeful or even confrontational person for that matter, so stakes aren't necessary and I won't force them to meet their true death with the sunlight to reveal themselves. But they will be a non-factor in my life. And, really, that's what they wanted, right? When you do shitty things, you're trying to hurt that person, why would you want them around?
If you don't want to burn the bridge, don't light the match to begin with. But I assure you, I will let that bitch burn down and you will never be able to cross it again.
Everyone makes mistakes, but you have to be willing to learn from them and own up to them. Even vampires are a little human. I mean, Bill learned that it was a mistake to try to betray Sookie by bringing her to the Vampire Queen of Louisiana, even if he did change his mind because he fell in love with her. Bitch got rescinded.
I've got a list of blood-sucking, full of shit, terrible people that given the chance to say "I RESCIND MY INVITATION!" to I would be so happy to see them fast-motion moon walk out of my home and life. They could just stand just past the thresh hold of my life looking in like sad puppies hoping I'll invite them in again.
But, the thing is, I feel like in some ways I do have this power. I just have to make the grand gesture of doing so. I have never been able to give up on people. I have battled myself over my expectations of people (are they too high? but, I do deserve at least that right?). The bad outweighs the good. I don't want to be baggage to anyone else. But, the vampires of my life, have got to get out. I'm not a vengeful or even confrontational person for that matter, so stakes aren't necessary and I won't force them to meet their true death with the sunlight to reveal themselves. But they will be a non-factor in my life. And, really, that's what they wanted, right? When you do shitty things, you're trying to hurt that person, why would you want them around?
If you don't want to burn the bridge, don't light the match to begin with. But I assure you, I will let that bitch burn down and you will never be able to cross it again.
Everyone makes mistakes, but you have to be willing to learn from them and own up to them. Even vampires are a little human. I mean, Bill learned that it was a mistake to try to betray Sookie by bringing her to the Vampire Queen of Louisiana, even if he did change his mind because he fell in love with her. Bitch got rescinded.
Monday, July 11, 2011
band-aids
I have always said (well, not since I was like three or anything, but since I began proclaiming things I believe to be true) that people come in your life for a reason, serve a purpose and most times it's short-lived, rarely it's for always. I don't think that one is always more important than the other. Things you once may have thought would be small blips on the radar leave a huge, meteor-like mark on your personal landscape. I'm struggling with this. Always have. I think most people do...? Yeah?
I'm putting some of those things to rest though. Bandaging those wounds for the last time. Wearing others like a medal. Maybe one day I'll view them all that way.
I've held myself back. Held my tongue. Stunted my growth. Spent more time adding to a list of excuses of why I haven't been able to do that yet than if I would've just taken a shot I'd probably be feeling much better about things. None of those things remind me of the person I used to be, the person I was working really hard on becoming. The person I liked being. The person I know I am. I've written a bit about forgiveness here and there, remember? Forgiving you? Forgiving me? I think it's my lesson this year. It's the thing I'm supposed to get right. Start taking down these huge walls. They're so tall they're starting to lean. No one's getting in. Nope. No way.
I have been, in a word, numb. For a long, long time. And recently, I felt the faint fluttering of butterflies in my stomach for just a moment and I was pictured what could be coming. Chills go up and down my arms and end on the back of my neck as the perfect song I needed to hear found its way to me. One of favorites, cheek pain after laughing so hard. Closure's another good one, too. I have felt anger, betrayal, pits in my stomach, loss, loneliness, sometimes down-right hopelessness, but when they go away, I'm not mad at them for coming, it makes me feel a little bit more alive and reveals each and every time what's good and what's not. Lesson learned, moving on.
I have to stop holding back. Amazing things happen when you just let go. Put yourself out there. Go ahead and say it. And mean it. What have I got to lose really? So much has already come and gone. I have to stop mourning what once filled my life and see the vacancies as room for new, better (and even if it is just for right now) things.
Like, right now, I really like how long my hair is getting. It hasn't been this long since I remember seeing my shadow on the playground of my ponytail swinging behind me. I really like the people who are slowly finding their way into my life in ways I never would've thought at first glance. I like catching up with old friends. I like taking care of myself. I like having really good ideas and frantically searching for something to write them down on. I like opening this page up and just letting this shit spill out of me for the first time in months.
I'm putting some of those things to rest though. Bandaging those wounds for the last time. Wearing others like a medal. Maybe one day I'll view them all that way.
I've held myself back. Held my tongue. Stunted my growth. Spent more time adding to a list of excuses of why I haven't been able to do that yet than if I would've just taken a shot I'd probably be feeling much better about things. None of those things remind me of the person I used to be, the person I was working really hard on becoming. The person I liked being. The person I know I am. I've written a bit about forgiveness here and there, remember? Forgiving you? Forgiving me? I think it's my lesson this year. It's the thing I'm supposed to get right. Start taking down these huge walls. They're so tall they're starting to lean. No one's getting in. Nope. No way.
I have been, in a word, numb. For a long, long time. And recently, I felt the faint fluttering of butterflies in my stomach for just a moment and I was pictured what could be coming. Chills go up and down my arms and end on the back of my neck as the perfect song I needed to hear found its way to me. One of favorites, cheek pain after laughing so hard. Closure's another good one, too. I have felt anger, betrayal, pits in my stomach, loss, loneliness, sometimes down-right hopelessness, but when they go away, I'm not mad at them for coming, it makes me feel a little bit more alive and reveals each and every time what's good and what's not. Lesson learned, moving on.
I have to stop holding back. Amazing things happen when you just let go. Put yourself out there. Go ahead and say it. And mean it. What have I got to lose really? So much has already come and gone. I have to stop mourning what once filled my life and see the vacancies as room for new, better (and even if it is just for right now) things.
Like, right now, I really like how long my hair is getting. It hasn't been this long since I remember seeing my shadow on the playground of my ponytail swinging behind me. I really like the people who are slowly finding their way into my life in ways I never would've thought at first glance. I like catching up with old friends. I like taking care of myself. I like having really good ideas and frantically searching for something to write them down on. I like opening this page up and just letting this shit spill out of me for the first time in months.
Monday, May 2, 2011
well....but...enough.
Taking the bull by the horns. Ball's in my court. Basically, taking control. I wait everything out. Wait for just the right time to make my move and what I realized the other day is, there may never be "just the right time." Duh? Right? I mean, it's just an excuse really. If I could count how many lists I've made of what I was going to accomplish by when whether it's today, this year, this week, this month, etc. and never once went back to it to scratch something off, I would probably be amazed with what I could've gotten done with the time I took making said list. No more. It's time. The sun may not be shining in just the right way to capture the perfect moment, but, shit, at this point, if it's pouring rain, I'm just going to have to get wet.
I'm learning a lot about myself through making a new friend. I appreciate that my bullshit is getting called out so quickly. Within a couple months to already hear someone say in frustration "you over analyze everything, just do it!," is a pretty big sign that I've got something to work on. At the same time, old friends are reminding me who I was before I lost myself and I'm beginning to think, I had a thing or two figured out (and still do if I allow myself to believe that) and I just need to dig through all the clutter I've put on top of it.
Root cause: trust. I wage this war between my gut, my heart and my head. Over everything. Which one is right? What do you think? But what if? When should I? BUT... ENOUGH. I don't trust myself and I've let a few spoiled things ruin everything. I used to trust that everyone has the best intentions, sometimes we just get sidetracked. That's not true. But, it should be true of the people I keep in my life and if someone doesn't, they don't belong cause they're ruining it for everyone else.
Big guns are coming out.
So, so ready. Hold me to it.
I'm learning a lot about myself through making a new friend. I appreciate that my bullshit is getting called out so quickly. Within a couple months to already hear someone say in frustration "you over analyze everything, just do it!," is a pretty big sign that I've got something to work on. At the same time, old friends are reminding me who I was before I lost myself and I'm beginning to think, I had a thing or two figured out (and still do if I allow myself to believe that) and I just need to dig through all the clutter I've put on top of it.
Root cause: trust. I wage this war between my gut, my heart and my head. Over everything. Which one is right? What do you think? But what if? When should I? BUT... ENOUGH. I don't trust myself and I've let a few spoiled things ruin everything. I used to trust that everyone has the best intentions, sometimes we just get sidetracked. That's not true. But, it should be true of the people I keep in my life and if someone doesn't, they don't belong cause they're ruining it for everyone else.
Big guns are coming out.
So, so ready. Hold me to it.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
no lies, just love.
So, with the weekend off, I decided to approach things a little differently. No to-do list, no list of things I want to do either, just let it happen. I am. This morning I woke up at a rather early time for a Saturday that I would usually force myself to sleep through because I could, I made a stop to pick up some things and sat on my patio to decide what I wanted to do today. It's gorgeous outside. GORGEOUS. So, I'm gonna eat that up.
I came inside threw on some clothes and decided to go for a walk (what?!). Best decision I've made in weeks. Headphones in. Go. Shuffle, right? Of course.
We've talked about how my shuffle function speaks to me and this glorious morning stroll was no exception.
Basically, I learned a thing or two about meditation this morning. I restrained myself from skipping through the playlist that was created just for me in this moment and cleared my head. Birds flew and weeping willows danced to Sigur Ros. I came to peace with something in myself. I picked up my pace a little bit to the Walkmen. Let something else go. I soaked up the sun, the children playing with the tiniest puppy I have ever seen, the uneven sidewalk and just said it's going to be OK. Alright? Then, I was in sight of my block a song came on that I hadn't listened to in years. A cool breeze tossed my hair and a vivid memory came up of studying on a blanket in front of the Dudley dorms, beautiful day under the oak tree and this Bright Eyes song hitting me so hard it almost knocked my breath away and inspired my first column that ever appeared in The Tech Talk my freshman year (I had to come home and dig to find it, or course).
The Joy In Forgetting / The Joy In Acceptance
"So, you say there are spaces,
Open and wide.
Believe me there's days,
Longer than nights.
And you will be happy the minute you try...
But you don't try.
No you don't try.
And you speak of a fever,
That burns you inside.
As you explain to your mother,
How you wanted to die.
So she kisses your fingers,
Says "My Darling but why?
When there is so much more...
There is so much more..."
Do you know there are spaces,
Open and wide.
Oh believe me, there's days,
Longer than nights.
And you will be happy,
If only you'd try.
Oh won't you try,
Oh won't you try..."
I'm putting up a fight, y'all. New road every day. New song. Whatever it takes. Open heart, open mind. I've always kept my heart pretty open, but I can't hate anyone for taking advantage of that anymore.
Moving forward, yeah?
Oh, by the way, I had another one of those little nudges I was talking about, only this one brought me to tears in front of my boss, not because of just that little moment, but all of it, and I was so happy that I allow myself to hear those things now and believe them.
I came inside threw on some clothes and decided to go for a walk (what?!). Best decision I've made in weeks. Headphones in. Go. Shuffle, right? Of course.
We've talked about how my shuffle function speaks to me and this glorious morning stroll was no exception.
Basically, I learned a thing or two about meditation this morning. I restrained myself from skipping through the playlist that was created just for me in this moment and cleared my head. Birds flew and weeping willows danced to Sigur Ros. I came to peace with something in myself. I picked up my pace a little bit to the Walkmen. Let something else go. I soaked up the sun, the children playing with the tiniest puppy I have ever seen, the uneven sidewalk and just said it's going to be OK. Alright? Then, I was in sight of my block a song came on that I hadn't listened to in years. A cool breeze tossed my hair and a vivid memory came up of studying on a blanket in front of the Dudley dorms, beautiful day under the oak tree and this Bright Eyes song hitting me so hard it almost knocked my breath away and inspired my first column that ever appeared in The Tech Talk my freshman year (I had to come home and dig to find it, or course).
The Joy In Forgetting / The Joy In Acceptance
"So, you say there are spaces,
Open and wide.
Believe me there's days,
Longer than nights.
And you will be happy the minute you try...
But you don't try.
No you don't try.
And you speak of a fever,
That burns you inside.
As you explain to your mother,
How you wanted to die.
So she kisses your fingers,
Says "My Darling but why?
When there is so much more...
There is so much more..."
Do you know there are spaces,
Open and wide.
Oh believe me, there's days,
Longer than nights.
And you will be happy,
If only you'd try.
Oh won't you try,
Oh won't you try..."
I'm putting up a fight, y'all. New road every day. New song. Whatever it takes. Open heart, open mind. I've always kept my heart pretty open, but I can't hate anyone for taking advantage of that anymore.
Moving forward, yeah?
Oh, by the way, I had another one of those little nudges I was talking about, only this one brought me to tears in front of my boss, not because of just that little moment, but all of it, and I was so happy that I allow myself to hear those things now and believe them.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
easy come, easy go.
Oh, it comes and it goes, doesn't it? Always?
I haven't had much to say to anyone of any real importance lately, much less write, but I want to write right now, so I'm gonna. Hang on.
Today began as most of my days do, hitting the snooze every time my alarm goes off, Kitty in my face sayin' "bitch, get up, do something!" and me soaking in every second I can afford of face buried in my pillow.
But, somehow, I rallied. I have not been as productive as I was today in months and I did cause I wanted to, not because I had to and I now realize that's all the difference. Simple things that I was supposed to, big things I've been needing to and small things just for me. I left work not feeling like I had run a marathon, but that I got shit done today. I came home, took a shower that felt like I was scrubbing off layers of dirt from a hard day's work, cooked the best dinner I have cooked in months for just me, posted up on the couch and relished in my accomplishments of just one day.
I'm really not trying to brag, and y'all know me, I'm never one to toot my own horn, but I'ma gonna wear this badge today, k?
I spend so much time beating the shit out of myself about this, that and everything and feel like I'm not making a difference in my life or anyone else's, but I've had a few simple nods from unexpected places that have just felt so good. Like, wow, you really did notice that? Awesome. Like my peers who have been on this block for way longer than I have saying, "Hey, girl, good job, whatcha doin'? Can you help me with this right quick?" Sure, I'd love to. My dad's best friend telling me how proud I should be of myself because "your dad's been telling me..." Really? Thanks, Dad. Or a singer of a band who used to sleep on my floor call me out in a crowd and say "hey, you were there 10 years ago and look, you still are." Yep, and I'll be there next time, too. And best friends saying, "remember that time when... it really was the best." Yeah? I think so, too.
Just little pokes right in the side, saying "hey, we see you, why don't you go ahead and give yourself that real quick. I won't tell."
The other night I was standing in a group of people on a cobble stone patio plagued with ups and downs from roots trying to get out from under for a breath and I began to lose my balance and someone behind me grabbed me by the waist and helped me find my footing. It sent this overwhelming wave of emotion through my body. This comfort of actually feeling someone support you. It was such a relief, such a comfort. So strange that it impacted me that much. But, that's really all it takes just a little help to stand on solid ground.
Now, I'm not even going to start to pretend that this is some huge revelation and I'm not going back to my old ways tomorrow, but I felt it really important to note what a different a day makes. What a difference getting a little something done makes. What a difference a small comment can make.
'Cause tomorrow I'll wake up with a million alarms and a little black kitty face, roll over, bury myself back under the covers and put my feet on the floor at the last possible second, but maybe, just maybe, I'll have steadier footing and try to count the small things.
I'll let you know how that goes...
I haven't had much to say to anyone of any real importance lately, much less write, but I want to write right now, so I'm gonna. Hang on.
Today began as most of my days do, hitting the snooze every time my alarm goes off, Kitty in my face sayin' "bitch, get up, do something!" and me soaking in every second I can afford of face buried in my pillow.
But, somehow, I rallied. I have not been as productive as I was today in months and I did cause I wanted to, not because I had to and I now realize that's all the difference. Simple things that I was supposed to, big things I've been needing to and small things just for me. I left work not feeling like I had run a marathon, but that I got shit done today. I came home, took a shower that felt like I was scrubbing off layers of dirt from a hard day's work, cooked the best dinner I have cooked in months for just me, posted up on the couch and relished in my accomplishments of just one day.
I'm really not trying to brag, and y'all know me, I'm never one to toot my own horn, but I'ma gonna wear this badge today, k?
I spend so much time beating the shit out of myself about this, that and everything and feel like I'm not making a difference in my life or anyone else's, but I've had a few simple nods from unexpected places that have just felt so good. Like, wow, you really did notice that? Awesome. Like my peers who have been on this block for way longer than I have saying, "Hey, girl, good job, whatcha doin'? Can you help me with this right quick?" Sure, I'd love to. My dad's best friend telling me how proud I should be of myself because "your dad's been telling me..." Really? Thanks, Dad. Or a singer of a band who used to sleep on my floor call me out in a crowd and say "hey, you were there 10 years ago and look, you still are." Yep, and I'll be there next time, too. And best friends saying, "remember that time when... it really was the best." Yeah? I think so, too.
Just little pokes right in the side, saying "hey, we see you, why don't you go ahead and give yourself that real quick. I won't tell."
The other night I was standing in a group of people on a cobble stone patio plagued with ups and downs from roots trying to get out from under for a breath and I began to lose my balance and someone behind me grabbed me by the waist and helped me find my footing. It sent this overwhelming wave of emotion through my body. This comfort of actually feeling someone support you. It was such a relief, such a comfort. So strange that it impacted me that much. But, that's really all it takes just a little help to stand on solid ground.
Now, I'm not even going to start to pretend that this is some huge revelation and I'm not going back to my old ways tomorrow, but I felt it really important to note what a different a day makes. What a difference getting a little something done makes. What a difference a small comment can make.
'Cause tomorrow I'll wake up with a million alarms and a little black kitty face, roll over, bury myself back under the covers and put my feet on the floor at the last possible second, but maybe, just maybe, I'll have steadier footing and try to count the small things.
I'll let you know how that goes...
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
call of forgiveness
I backed myself into no one's land. Shut every one out. Slammed the door, closed the curtains. There's no getting in and I'm pretending I'm not home.
Until recently.
Until recently, I allowed myself to believe that the most important people in my life didn't really care all that much about little ol' me. But, that's just a symptom of my own little turmoil because when I reached they were there. As much as they could be.
I have had a few powerful conversations lately. Allowed myself to be honest and opened that door up a little bit. I've learned a lot and let go of a ton.
One of those, was about forgiveness. What it really looks like, what it really means, but mostly, allowing myself to do it. She basically told me it's all or nothing. Wipe the slate clean. If you can't forgive and allow someone to change, there's no point. It's not fair.
And that goes both ways, for me, anyway. I have been so mad at myself for so many things. Constantly beating myself up over everything. Not giving myself a chance, much less the people in my life. It has been so easy for me to sit back and tell you what's fucked up about everything about you, but never getting the finger pointed back at me. How unfair. Though, if you really know me, that finger on my other hand is always aimed at myself.
I feel like I've been so stagnant. No growth. Forward motion. No pride. No hope. But I have dealt with some shit and, suddenly, burdens I've been carrying for years are being lifted. One by one. Some heavier than others, none any less important. And as I forgive you, I'm forgiving myself. Remembering. Reliving. Not really re-hashing. Accepting?
I don't know. It feels good. It feels like hope, waking up, breathing again, feeling again. I want to make plans and stick to them. I want to believe in you and myself. I want to love fearlessly. I want to have insatiable desires to be so much better.
I want. I need. I feel. I forgive.
you.
me.
Until recently.
Until recently, I allowed myself to believe that the most important people in my life didn't really care all that much about little ol' me. But, that's just a symptom of my own little turmoil because when I reached they were there. As much as they could be.
I have had a few powerful conversations lately. Allowed myself to be honest and opened that door up a little bit. I've learned a lot and let go of a ton.
One of those, was about forgiveness. What it really looks like, what it really means, but mostly, allowing myself to do it. She basically told me it's all or nothing. Wipe the slate clean. If you can't forgive and allow someone to change, there's no point. It's not fair.
And that goes both ways, for me, anyway. I have been so mad at myself for so many things. Constantly beating myself up over everything. Not giving myself a chance, much less the people in my life. It has been so easy for me to sit back and tell you what's fucked up about everything about you, but never getting the finger pointed back at me. How unfair. Though, if you really know me, that finger on my other hand is always aimed at myself.
I feel like I've been so stagnant. No growth. Forward motion. No pride. No hope. But I have dealt with some shit and, suddenly, burdens I've been carrying for years are being lifted. One by one. Some heavier than others, none any less important. And as I forgive you, I'm forgiving myself. Remembering. Reliving. Not really re-hashing. Accepting?
I don't know. It feels good. It feels like hope, waking up, breathing again, feeling again. I want to make plans and stick to them. I want to believe in you and myself. I want to love fearlessly. I want to have insatiable desires to be so much better.
I want. I need. I feel. I forgive.
you.
me.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Friday, February 11, 2011
grass is always greener.
There are not many people you meet, much less are a part of your every day life who will do anything for you without even a request. People who want to take care of you and give what they are able to give and consistently. It is a humbling experience when you do.
It is so easy, especially for me, to get so wrapped up, no, obsessed, with all the tally marks in the terrible column and to forget to mark the ones that go in the absolutely wonderful one. And those can most often out mark the aforementioned.
I wallow in the not-so-good. It's how I got to this place. But, if I allowed myself to really look around I'm surrounded by so, so many gifts. To a point that I also feel so, so undeserving.
And that right there, my friends, is the bottom line.
I once told someone long, long ago that I was content with things the way they were. She told me that was a shame. Being content is not living. I don't really agree with that entirely (and honestly was pissed when she said it), and the things that were being discussed at the time all went bad and are no longer pieces of my now life, but maybe what she really meant was that instead of just letting things be "okay," you make things the best you can.
The root of all this, if I really dig deep enough, is I have to believe that I deserve the best, and, I don't. I settle for content, okay, can't complain and that has gotten me to a really uncomfortable, unhappy place at the end of the day.
But, at the end of the day, a not-so-good day, I sat and cried because of how humbled I am by the good. And it felt so fucking good. I might not have the best of everything, but I'm starting to make a pretty good list. Lots of tallies. Whole nine.
It is so easy, especially for me, to get so wrapped up, no, obsessed, with all the tally marks in the terrible column and to forget to mark the ones that go in the absolutely wonderful one. And those can most often out mark the aforementioned.
I wallow in the not-so-good. It's how I got to this place. But, if I allowed myself to really look around I'm surrounded by so, so many gifts. To a point that I also feel so, so undeserving.
And that right there, my friends, is the bottom line.
I once told someone long, long ago that I was content with things the way they were. She told me that was a shame. Being content is not living. I don't really agree with that entirely (and honestly was pissed when she said it), and the things that were being discussed at the time all went bad and are no longer pieces of my now life, but maybe what she really meant was that instead of just letting things be "okay," you make things the best you can.
The root of all this, if I really dig deep enough, is I have to believe that I deserve the best, and, I don't. I settle for content, okay, can't complain and that has gotten me to a really uncomfortable, unhappy place at the end of the day.
But, at the end of the day, a not-so-good day, I sat and cried because of how humbled I am by the good. And it felt so fucking good. I might not have the best of everything, but I'm starting to make a pretty good list. Lots of tallies. Whole nine.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
something ain't right
I woke up this morning and my first thought was "since when did 'What-does-it-all-mean-Sunday' fall on a Tuesday?" And then I realized that it's been a What-does-it-all-mean-coupleayears. And I know you can relate. I've got to fight back. I've got to remember that it's all worth it. I don't know what I'm fighting for. I haven't come to grips with my reality that I don't know what the future looks like anymore. Everything's changing. I don't know if it's for the better. I have to hope so. That's all I got.
God, the future used to be so excitingly scary and now all I see are glimpses of the same day every day over and over and over again.
I'm a fighter. I always have been. I trust my gut, my heart and I go after it. Usually quietly, but I conquer the mountain nonetheless. But now, it takes everything I've got to get out of bed and make a cup of coffee to face the world.
I live so many different lives and none of them feel right because something's not right. I feel like in every situation I'm just faking it until I can go home and just deal with myself, but even that seems fake now. I'm not lying to everyone else though, just to myself.
My coffee cup's empty, now it's time to face the world in another day that is so much like yesterday. But I have never agreed to fake it til I make it so that stops now.
"They heard me singing and they told me to stop
Quit these pretentious things and just punch the clock
These days my life, I feel it has no purpose
But late at night the feelings swim to the surface."
God, the future used to be so excitingly scary and now all I see are glimpses of the same day every day over and over and over again.
I'm a fighter. I always have been. I trust my gut, my heart and I go after it. Usually quietly, but I conquer the mountain nonetheless. But now, it takes everything I've got to get out of bed and make a cup of coffee to face the world.
I live so many different lives and none of them feel right because something's not right. I feel like in every situation I'm just faking it until I can go home and just deal with myself, but even that seems fake now. I'm not lying to everyone else though, just to myself.
My coffee cup's empty, now it's time to face the world in another day that is so much like yesterday. But I have never agreed to fake it til I make it so that stops now.
"They heard me singing and they told me to stop
Quit these pretentious things and just punch the clock
These days my life, I feel it has no purpose
But late at night the feelings swim to the surface."
Thursday, January 20, 2011
moody blues
I really wanted to hate Hank Moody. Three episodes in to the first season of Californication I wanted to stop watching. Here's this guy who stands for everything I hate about someone- selfish, sleep-with-anyone-who-will-spread-for-him, egotistical, the whole nine. But then, I began to love him. I'll let all of the aforementioned slide because, I mean, really, the dude's just lost, I can't really blame him for the crutches he chooses to live on, I've got my own.
I don't know what it is, but I want to be his friend. I don't know if it's because he so aptly portrays the struggling writer (even though I want to hate him when he bangs out a novel in a weekend) or the undying love he has for his daughter and his baby momma and his relationship to both, I can overlook the rest on the basis of just those things. Because really, that's what we all do with many relationships in our lives, people don't meet our every expectation and I have found myself way too many times looking the other way when lied to my face and still loving friends through their indiscretions no matter how much I hate them.
It's gotten me thinking about what others may over look about me, but I pick myself apart enough. I'm aware of my flaws, I just have to stop pretending other people aren't. The difference between Hank and I is that although we're both aware of our own bullshit, he's unapologetic about it. He does what he feels, when he feels it, deals (or doesn't deal) with it later. But he wears them like a badge on his chest and his heart is rolled up in his sleeve.
So here they are, I care too much about what you think, I'm so self-absorbed that I've become a flake, I say I want to live this big, full life, but I continually find myself ignoring my phone and opting for a night on the couch with my cat, I seek approval from anyone and everyone, my expectations of you are way too high, I sometimes say I'm a writer, but I rarely write, I feel like you really want my opinion and I'll give it to you anyway, every day I wake up and say I'm going to be better and I go to bed mad at myself for lying again.
So, there you have it, call me on it. I promise I'm working on it, but, shit, old habits die hard. I just might not apologize about it anymore, right, Hank?
I don't know what it is, but I want to be his friend. I don't know if it's because he so aptly portrays the struggling writer (even though I want to hate him when he bangs out a novel in a weekend) or the undying love he has for his daughter and his baby momma and his relationship to both, I can overlook the rest on the basis of just those things. Because really, that's what we all do with many relationships in our lives, people don't meet our every expectation and I have found myself way too many times looking the other way when lied to my face and still loving friends through their indiscretions no matter how much I hate them.
It's gotten me thinking about what others may over look about me, but I pick myself apart enough. I'm aware of my flaws, I just have to stop pretending other people aren't. The difference between Hank and I is that although we're both aware of our own bullshit, he's unapologetic about it. He does what he feels, when he feels it, deals (or doesn't deal) with it later. But he wears them like a badge on his chest and his heart is rolled up in his sleeve.
So here they are, I care too much about what you think, I'm so self-absorbed that I've become a flake, I say I want to live this big, full life, but I continually find myself ignoring my phone and opting for a night on the couch with my cat, I seek approval from anyone and everyone, my expectations of you are way too high, I sometimes say I'm a writer, but I rarely write, I feel like you really want my opinion and I'll give it to you anyway, every day I wake up and say I'm going to be better and I go to bed mad at myself for lying again.
So, there you have it, call me on it. I promise I'm working on it, but, shit, old habits die hard. I just might not apologize about it anymore, right, Hank?
Saturday, January 15, 2011
ghosts
I've always feared them, and, now, I find myself choosing to live with them. Daily. I allow myself to be haunted over and over again of my ancient past just to have it back momentarily. But, when the moment passes, I am left with such a raw, longing feeling. Leaving myself to deal with the gut reactions to tell the ghost what I'm feeling the next chance we run into each other in attempt to bring him back to my life. Telling myself if I'm just honest about how I feel, no doubt that would be enough to breath life back into him.
The truth is, life has gone on and almost always will and the past that I so desperately want back is the one I've just created. The beautiful, rose-colored one with all things neatly and perfectly arranged. No problems. Perfection. Instead of channeling those things into the here and now, instead of seeking real, tangible possibilities, my only desire is to revive the past and make it right.
Always, always fucking ghosts.
I fear the future now, even though, as I was told over dinner, it's happening every day. If I would just tell the present what I need to and let go of the past, I could be moving toward a rose-colored future (when I wear the right glasses). The words never come, hell they haven't even found a page until now for far too long.
I fear altering my present so as not to later discover more ghosts that I'll want to hold close for their fleeting comfort.
All of them are lessons learned wrapped in beautiful packages of hindsight tied with a neat bow of mistakes made. I should leave them as they are. But, once the knot is loosed and tossed aside all I am left with is the beautiful gift of what I really wanted it to be.
It's a painful, self-destructive, non-productive attempt as a better life.
Says the girl who always says (and believes?) "everything happens (happened?) for a reason.
The truth is, life has gone on and almost always will and the past that I so desperately want back is the one I've just created. The beautiful, rose-colored one with all things neatly and perfectly arranged. No problems. Perfection. Instead of channeling those things into the here and now, instead of seeking real, tangible possibilities, my only desire is to revive the past and make it right.
Always, always fucking ghosts.
I fear the future now, even though, as I was told over dinner, it's happening every day. If I would just tell the present what I need to and let go of the past, I could be moving toward a rose-colored future (when I wear the right glasses). The words never come, hell they haven't even found a page until now for far too long.
I fear altering my present so as not to later discover more ghosts that I'll want to hold close for their fleeting comfort.
All of them are lessons learned wrapped in beautiful packages of hindsight tied with a neat bow of mistakes made. I should leave them as they are. But, once the knot is loosed and tossed aside all I am left with is the beautiful gift of what I really wanted it to be.
It's a painful, self-destructive, non-productive attempt as a better life.
Says the girl who always says (and believes?) "everything happens (happened?) for a reason.
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