grass is always greener.

There are not many people you meet, much less are a part of your every day life who will do anything for you without even a request. People who want to take care of you and give what they are able to give and consistently. It is a humbling experience when you do.
It is so easy, especially for me, to get so wrapped up, no, obsessed, with all the tally marks in the terrible column and to forget to mark the ones that go in the absolutely wonderful one. And those can most often out mark the aforementioned.
I wallow in the not-so-good. It's how I got to this place. But, if I allowed myself to really look around I'm surrounded by so, so many gifts. To a point that I also feel so, so undeserving.
And that right there, my friends, is the bottom line.
I once told someone long, long ago that I was content with things the way they were. She told me that was a shame. Being content is not living. I don't really agree with that entirely (and honestly was pissed when she said it), and the things that were being discussed at the time all went bad and are no longer pieces of my now life, but maybe what she really meant was that instead of just letting things be "okay," you make things the best you can.
The root of all this, if I really dig deep enough, is I have to believe that I deserve the best, and, I don't. I settle for content, okay, can't complain and that has gotten me to a really uncomfortable, unhappy place at the end of the day.
But, at the end of the day, a not-so-good day, I sat and cried because of how humbled I am by the good. And it felt so fucking good. I might not have the best of everything, but I'm starting to make a pretty good list. Lots of tallies. Whole nine.