I am nostalgic for everything. I look for signs in everything. I overthink everything.
But, those are all kind of good things right now.
Boss's Day was a few days ago and when I got to work, I remembered that day a year earlier. I was offered a new job and tossed and turned for days over the decision I made. It was the toughest and most rewarding transition I have ever made. To think back to what I walked into and what I have built in a year is truly astounding. I learned more about myself in more ways and faster than I can ever remember and was able to put to rest a lot of doubts I had about myself. Is this the career I thought I would have? Absolutely never. Do I love my job? Sure do. I don't think most people really understand what I do or the work that goes in to it, and I only bother to explain it to the people who care to hear about it and that's just fine. What a difference a year makes.
On Friday, I will be seeing David Sedaris. Literally a year later as well. On a more personal level, that trip that I really didn't have time for reminded me who I really am. From the company I kept. To the conversation over drinks. To just the "to hell with it all" attitude I had to have to get in the car and leave all of the pretty big responsibilities I had behind to do something for myself. I had a meeting to be at the next morning with my big, big boss and I drove two hours, hung over and showed up and had an amazing meeting. Another lesson I needed to re-learn. I can do both. And, I'm better for it.
The year over all has been littered with 10 year anniversaries, most of the milestones have been connected to music (also mostly Ben Gibbard music) and the memories attached to those songs are so visceral and important to me, it has been amazing to connect to a 17 year old Jess as a 27 year old one.
That girl, 10 years ago, was fearless. And, I had no idea at the time. She fell in love for the first time and let go for the first time without a single fear of falling. With multi-colored hair, a passion for writing and an obsession with music, everything was possible to her. She started believing in herself and her dreams.
She made a lot of new friends who in the last year have gotten married to the same people they would soon fall in love with, others had their first babies and a few really started making their dreams come true.
That Jess let go of a lot of her insecurities. Wore dresses or skirts every day. Got in a car accident and was surprised to see who the first people were who showed up at the hospital. They would be some of the most important people in her life. Three of them are no longer here, one of which will soon have an anniversary of the day I said goodbye to her, others served an amazing purpose and faded out on their own path eventually.
The 17-year-old Jess made a lot of big decisions and lived with no regrets (way before Tim Riggins reminded her to live that way) and, whether she would admit it or not, she was also really proud of herself.
The 27-year-old Jess revisited those Ben Gibbard songs in her car and in person (you're welcome 17-year-old Jess). Lost 40 pounds, just like the old one. Allowed herself to have crushes. Got over a lot of her fears and insecurities. Took care of herself and made decisions for herself. Stopped feeling bad that things that are happening for everyone else haven't happened for her yet, because when they do they'll be worth the wait. She made some new friends and better ones with old ones. Let Tim Riggins remind her to have no regrets, Coach Taylor teach her how to be a leader and Tami how to never give up on people. She checked off a lot of things that never seemed to get checked off. Made plans for the future she doesn't want to flake out on. Tore herself a part and put herself back together. Took comfort in signs that made her feel like she was doing exactly what she needed to be doing.
The 27-year-old Jess started believing in herself again, and whether she'll admit it or not, is actually really proud of herself.
