yes jess.

Last year I made it the year of "yes."
It was supposed to be (and really was) a time for me to just go for it. Do things. Step outside of my comfort zone (and, by step I really mean tip-toe). Stop making excuses or flaking out. All of that.
I did learn a lot. I did do new things. I did trust myself a lot more and I did (and do) plan on expanding upon it this year.
Only right now, I just feel like a "yes" person.
I've said yes to so many things I'm not doing any of them well and most of them I don't want to do at all.
I said yes for the wrong reasons. Because I thought the intentions were different or because I thought it was a "sign" or because I can handle it or maybe a couple times because asking me really wasn't a question, just a courtesy.
And, like, I'm done. Not just because when I've asked for things I've been getting a lot of nos, but also because I really can't fake giving a shit about some things like I thought I could. And, mostly because I'm just exhausted.
What happened to the questions that were fun to say yes to?
I do realize that I should be flattered in some way about some things because someone wants me to do something for them and the bottom line is because they believe I'll do a good job. And, that's great. But, I don't feel like I'm doing a good job at any of them.
After this brain purge, it'll be like a preamble. I'll tighten it up and get my shit together and power through. Always do.
I just need to get a little more comfortable saying "no" to your things and "yes" to mine.
Those are the fun ones anyway.
Yes ma'am.

anything could happen.

I'm struggling, y'all.
I've got all if these thoughts, feelings and things swirling around in my head and I just can't seem to be able to find them an escape route through my mouth or my finger tips.
I guess it could almost be considered writer's block, but it feels like so much more than that. It's all just on total lock down, but also not. I'll say it to almost anyone I know will lock it up and throw away the key except for the one it would matter to most.
And everyone's tired of hearing about it.
Here's what I've learned: I have some really patient and supportive friends. It's gotta be wearing thin though. The patience part, I mean. Conversations are now becoming more like "Cute. K. So when are you going to do something about it.." Which is the supportive part really.
This week's New Girl episode kind of caught me off guard. Wrapped up in hilarity and unexpected...hotness was this moment Nick had with his father under fucked up circumstances, mind you, but still, he said, "You think too much. You think too much about everything... You don't have to do anything that you don't wanna do, I just don't want you to miss out on things in life that are happening when you're not thinking because believe you me, those, are the best things in life." Thanks, Pop Pop.
That's what I was talking about last time and I'm still trying to process it all. Being impulsive just ain't something I'm finding in my blood. I clam up. And, like, literally, too. I let you be the brave one even though I'm the one always saying "be courageous." Just sitting here holding my breath.
Anything could happen. It might not end up like the fairy tale that's playing out in my head on constant rotation, but I don't know that it's been medically proven that anyone has ever died from embarrassment and I'm not googling it to find out.