I saw a guy play who used to sleep on my floor in college who now had a line waiting for him after the show to sign things for or shake hands with. [Alex Bhore/ This Will Destroy You] I went to one with my the girl who saved my life in the last one. [Mates of State] I went to see an album anniversary tour of one of my favorite albums and ended up standing next to a girl who would end up becoming my best friend here and, only recently learned, I was also standing behind a guy who would become a new one three years later. [Cursive]
They were all in the same room. The upstairs of this creaky old venue that has always been just a few blocks away from where I’ve lived in either direction.
The last one I saw there was exactly three years ago. This man with too much bravado singing unromantic love songs and swinging his hips to a packed room with no air conditioning in April in Texas. It was probably one of my all-time favorite shows and I’ll never forget it or the feeling I had walking down those old stairs and getting punched in the face by the first gasp of fresh air and the feeling that I was starting to live the life I really wanted for myself. [Father John Misty]
Three weeks ago, I was feeling the opposite. I was feeling suffocated with disappointment in everything. I had to get some fresh air. I started narrowing in on the things that were no longer serving me and digging out the things that always have. I was uninspired and tired and hopeless and numb and I had to get rid of it all.
A friend urged me to do things that really make me feel alive. To keep taking chances and feeling the rush of fear and pushing past it.
I started doing things like riding a bike in a dark room with loud music and a person screaming at me to push past it. I’d walk out into the light, soaked in sweat and pride in going beyond the limits I set for myself before walking in.
I bought tickets to any and every show that interested me. I just needed to see people who work hard to stay inspired and get in front of people night after night and give it away. Every single one of them was completely different. Most of them were unfamiliar in most ways to me. None of them were in the room I once went to to tap into this.
There was the guy from that big band who seemed happier to be playing in front of a couple hundred people instead of the thousands he was playing in front of just a few years ago. The crowd definitely came with anticipation they’d get a glimpse of the latter while I watched someone so happy to be doing what he wanted to do and now being able to see he was actually the reason his last life was so successful, not the other guys. [Rostam]
I saw a man who showed up in my life through so many different people I didn’t think I could miss him. A guy a dated once loved him. A friend saw him on the other side of the world and stood next to him. Another friend who only talks shit about music to me who also loved him. A girl who I met that one summer in LA and shares my name who has gone on to tour the wold with him. But, it was just me that night as he performed one of the tightest sets I’ve seen in a long time channeling the ghost of Leonard Cohen with his voice. [Kevin Morby]
The unexpected one was seeing probably the biggest rock star of my generation still looking like he was having the time of his life every second he stood in front of thousands of people for the millionth time. I let my guard down and had one of the best times of my life. I was standing next to that girl who complemented my necklace and asked if I liked whisky that one time and at the same time, we both let go of all of the baggage we collected in the last few years and weeks and days as the band went on to play for three more hours. [Foo Fighters]
I saw a group of 50-something ladies who were peak 90s darlings take the stage together like they were always meant to do. I was only there for this one song I can remember everything about the first time I heard it and not expecting to hear it that night. Until I did and all of the feelings of the first time came back and were replaced. Better. [The Breeders]
The next night I saw a band who were the local band in the college town of this guy I met just a day or two after walking down those stairs for the last time. They still had that energy and a lot less ego than a band who played on Ellen that afternoon probably would. It was the only time I’ve ever not seen that room packed and I was happy that I was there probably the last time that would happen for them. [Parquet Courts]
This month of getting my life back concluded with a weekend away in another Texas town I hadn’t been in in almost a decade with a group of girls I’ve been friends with for almost two now. In between the music, I was able to see myself for the first time in a long time. How much I really have changed (and so have they). Proud of the work that goes into maintaining friendships despite time and distance and the life that happens in the years since we stopped sharing the same walls.
I saw a quiet-looking girl from Australia roar and rip her way through probably the best and most unassuming set I’ve seen in a long time, if not ever. [Courtney Barnett]
And, then, when the sun went down, I saw that same guy from the sweat-soaked creaky upstairs closing out a weekend of music on a stage that was built to light him up. I ended up alone in a packed crowd watching FJM sing some of the same songs I saw three years earlier with new life weaved in-between them. This time I was surrounded by fresh air and under a moon that was full and supposed to give you the space to rid yourself of things that no longer serve you.
I don’t know if that’s what happened that night, but it’s definitely what happened last month. I stopped gasping for air and grasping at things that don’t seem to want to be in my life. I started letting go, but also really facing those things that had made my life not feel alive anymore. I really looked in the mirror. Evaluated the purpose people serve in my life and chose whether or not I want to accept that. I stayed open when I really wanted to shut off. Completely over living a lukewarm life and done being frustrated that nothing else was sparking the heat.
I felt and I feel more inspired again.
I don’t know if it was one person or the music or the racing heart or the start of a new season or just me noticing for the first time in a long time, but I’m getting to a place where I want to live my life in front of everyone just as much as I do one person.
And, maybe I did need that girl to scream, “I don’t know quite who I am, oh but man I am trying. I make mistakes until I get it right” in my face the other day.
I hear you.
Here's a playlist from my month:
the last gasp.
