tightening it up.

May's lesson: CHILL OUT.
Got it.
I mean, today, I got it.
I'm not going to go into the details in what lead me to this because there's so many and kind of more importantly, they are embarrassing, some of them expensive, but I hear you now, universe, k?
I allow myself to get so swept away, wrapped up, consumed, swallowed, smothered (you get it now, right? It was going to start sounding like a waffle house hash brown order in a second.) with things that I miss details and sometimes I forget what's in and out of my control. I forget to take five minutes to sort something out because I think something else in the present is more important and really it's just not always true.
So, as if you couldn't tell from my last little rant, I had very much been in my first little funk in a minute (which is kind of something to be proud of) I ultimately dealt with it in a timely, positive manner, but I did give in to over thinking for sure.
In the meantime, I've just felt so busy that I left so many things slip through the cracks without me noticing that I ultimately had to (literally) sift through a stack of overlooked things to find a bunch of answers to things I started to panic about. Chill out.
So, I'm off for two days. I'm going to take the last two days of May to catch up, tune out and move on. Along with chilling out, the other thing I've had to realize is that I'm only truly responsible for myself. That's the only thing I have in my control and once again I tried to control the outcome of so many things that truly were just not entirely in my hands and it left me feeling helpless.
At the end of the day, it's just me that I have to wrestle with to find peace of mind. That's been a whole lot easier lately, so there's that, but if I'm not looking out for myself or taking care of myself for that matter, I do end up pretty helpless and not the person I want to be for the people in my life.
I'll allow myself to believe that pool time is bettering myself. I can't do much else at home like bathe because I neglected to realize my online payments for my water bill hadn't gone through in two months resulting in it being disconnected this morning. So there's one of the embarrassing/expensive mistakes I didn't plan on mentioning. Further proof, I'm keeping it real.

defense.

At what point after continually defending and making excuses for someone do you start looking like a fool?
I mean, pretty sure I've got the answer there, but witnessing the explosion is a sobering experience and quite frankly leaves me rather pissed.
If you have to defend and excuse a person's actions to begin with is that the first red flag? I don't want to be bitter and live on a tightrope of no mistakes or I'm pushing you off, but damn, please don't make me eat my words. I don't think I'll be able to swallow them first of all.
I've been extremely uncomfortable and now I'm a little pissed, ok? That whole fool me once shame on you, fool me twice... well... just kidding, shame on me. (I mean, does anyone else miss the hilarity that was GWB's presidency every now and then? I saw the shoe throwing episode on the news the other night and laughed like it was America's Funniest Videos. Not to mention, I was so happy to see Will Ferrell's impression of him again on SNL is was like seeing an old friend... K focus.)
The thing is, I want to believe in you. I want to go to bat for you, if I need to. I realize every one makes mistakes and I'm beginning to wonder if my problem is I prevent people from ever really having to pay for them because I want to protect them, but that's a classic case of being an "enabler" isn't it? I've written about not being able to comprehend how people sometimes forget what's right and decent and the accountability that should come with making the opposite choice and yet I don't until I backed into a corner with a swollen tongue for biting it for so long
Shame on me. But, shame on them, too. Understand, I'm not sitting on my high horse or a pedestal or whatever cliché fits here. I realize I make mistakes, I just try really hard not to keep repeating them. Thank you if you've ever defended me, but damn, I hope it was for something that needed your defense.

needs.

Driving today, I've realized that I've written more about the people who aren't in my life any more for whatever reason than the ones that are in my life for so many reasons.
So, I swore I would never go back to New Orleans a couple of years ago. I meant it, but I knew it wasn't entirely true. However, that city is the home to some of my most favorite people that roam this planet and it was way past due time to pay them a visit. I mean, I like New Orleans and all, but I wanted to be a tourist in their lives, not necessarily their city.
Sometimes it can be overwhelming to be surrounded by so many people that you know give a shit about you. To know people for 10 years (give or take) and still be invested is pretty amazing. Things change, people do, too. We all have and haven't at the same time and yet we keep finding ourselves at the breakfast table even when it's hard to get out of bed in the morning. (That is both an analogy and true statement in the same breath.)
It was exactly what I needed.
It's so easy to get lost in the shuffle of everything that goes on. We all live our own lives every day. Some of us are together more often than others, some of them it will never matter how much time passes we'll pick right up where we left off, but the point is, we're still getting together. And, I'll always wish it happened more often.
I needed to see some faces for the first time in a couple of years and margaritas and brunches and coffee talk and mani/pedis and sex and the city episodes/what does it all mean relationship talks and oysters (and more oysters) and vodka/red bulls and casinos and cross legged chats in night clubs and patio reunions with more vodka and late night fast food and family brunches and porch time. I needed all of that.
Always leaves you wanting more.
But as I drove home, I took comfort in the fact that I feel confident it'll happen again for the next 10 years (give or take). As much as we bitch about getting older, God, we're getting so much better.

burps and backs.

Pandora freaks me out.
I'm sitting here, going on hour 3, beer 2 (I just started those) and several chapters into a fresh book, and a song comes on I've never heard before which kind of starts repeating thoughts that are rolling through my head. I won't name the song because it's kind of a pitiful song and not how I truly feel, just that inner turmoil that kind of comes up like a burp interrupting my happy place.
It passes that quickly though. Like, I feel better now that I've let that come up. It leaves an odd taste in your mouth from the past and you swallow it away with your next sip of beer.
Wow. I really just made an analogy with a burp. I'm breaking new ground here.
The point is, I took a sigh of relief of finally spending a day the way I've been wanting to for weeks and had a slight outburst when I turned around to flip and thought someone I knew was coming to bust up my party of one. Is it possible to like being alone too much? But, at the same time, wish you weren't at certain times during the day? So conflicted.
I mean, it'd be nice for the chair next to me to be occupied (by choice, not surprise , mind you. We all know I don't handle surprise well.), but I'm ok that it's not, too. Today, anyway. But I do need help applying sunscreen to my back. And, like someone who has my back in general.
And, as the song mysteriously changes, I move on back to my happy place for today. It doesn't take much these days, so there's that.

forks.

To be asked "what do you want? Where do you want to go?" by two people who have the power to help it happen for you is exciting and scary.
It's exciting because I'm a really dedicated and passionate person and when the people who are supposed to see that actually do and want to help you move forward, it's like the biggest compliment you can get. Unfortunately, my answer was really vague and filled with "I haven't really thought about its."
To the question of where, well that's pretty open ended. I feel like I am where I'm supposed to be, but maybe that's just because I've found a new bubble to live in? I think that's the scary part.
See, I continued on this journey of turning my college part time job into a full time one to meet my basic needs. My "plan" was to keep working with them so I could really work on what I wanted to do which is write. Only now, four years have past and I don't have much to show for that second part. I mean, I'm starting to, but somewhere in my big dreamer mind, I guess I thought I'd have a bestseller sitting on displays in book stores every where and I'd be living in that bungalow on the beach by now. I mean, there's still time, but it is definitely passing.
It's scary because I could go deeper down this path I had imagined to be temporary. Did y'all know it wasn't going to be temporary? I never expected to have reached the place I have and now to start thinking about going beyond that is just kind of a lot to process. I love living where I do because I really felt this need to be close to my family and now that that need has been met, I know I made the right choice at the time. But, also I've been quieting this internal struggle of not putting down roots that are difficult to pull up because this isn't where the rest of my story takes place. Despite my new found comfort level, that's always whispered in the back of my mind.
Here's what I know. This is how life works. As much as I have this need to be a planner and have things mapped out for the rest of my life, there's kind of no point in laying out the stepping stones and counting on them. I have this tendency to over think, analyze and write the story before the characters (even the main one) have even developed. I get this feeling that I might only be in the first season of this particular show. The past was another series entirely. It's like a slow season one with all of this set up and character development, a few curve balls and maybe a nail biter season finale so you'll stay tuned next fall.
I feel like I need to start answering some questions, because as I was reminded by my father and his best friend, you don't get asked what you want that often in life. Family will always be there, that's what family is for. Friends change, the ones that matter will change with you. Life is unpredictable, so enjoy the ride while you don't have so much baggage to bring along with you.
It kind of feels like we've only have a few episodes of season one left and it's time to tie up some loose ends and create a new story line that y'all can't wait to watch unfold. Don't worry though, it won't end in me cutting off my hair like Felicity. That was a terrible decision.

cause what can you change?

I used to have this no regrets mentality. It's useless and a terrible way to approach life. That's true, most of the time. The other side of it is to just not do something or put yourself in a situation you could come out on the other side of in regret. This was my mantra about 10 years ago. You know, when most decisions didn't hold a whole lot of weight on the rest of my life, at least for me. Easy to say when you're being guided through life pretty closely by parents and other authority figures, you know?
So, the truth is, as I began making bigger decisions that had bigger impact, I kind of started regretting a couple of them. A few times I was really angry at myself. Maybe there was even a time or two that I begged and pleaded to change it. It didn't. It won't.
I've been kind of reflecting on these regrets. They don't sting very badly anymore and when I really look back, knowing what I know now, especially, I almost always take comfort in the fact that it really did happen for a reason and if I had done the opposite all of these other amazing things might not have happened.
This kind of reinforces that wise 16 year old I was. I mean, it really is useless. Sure, maybe I wouldn't have hurt over it then, but I probably would've later. And, not to mention, aren't I better for having gone through it? Hindsight, right?
There are a few things I cringe about when I reflect back, but I'm starting to shake myself out of it much faster at least.
There will be more mistakes. That, I know for sure. I'll pay for them. I'll probably regret them a little, too. Life goes on, always will.
This may well be all very simple, but, come on, if you can really tell me you don't struggle with it, then high fives for you and when can you teach me?
What would life be without what ifs and what does it all means? But, maybe that's just me?
It's just a theme that keeps showing up in almost every aspect of my life from my current tv show selection, the songs that randomly play, the dreams I keep having and the conversations that unfold.
So, I mean, every passing moment is a chance to turn it all around. Not change it, but turn it around. I'll take it.