emergency exit.

So, this week was a huge learning experience. To say the least. I'm about to turn it around real quick.
None of the lessons I learned are real shockers. It's all stuff I should've already known about myself, but I was put in situations on another planet from my comfort zone and I didn't die. So, there's that.
So, yeah opportunity showed up and I said "yes" because I've gotten kind of used to that being the answer at this point, which is a good thing, after the dust had settled I was definitely saying "why?" but I just figured out that answer.
Ok. I'm going to keep it real. So, I said "yes" to a pretty much blind date. What? I know. See, I knew a few things about the dude and the things I did know made me feel like we had more in common than pretty much any one I've ever dated and even some friends (minus many years of history) the only thing that wasn't really considered in the equation was chemistry, but you don't know if it exists or not until you show up, apparently.
And, I did, several panic attacks later. Here's the thing, I've never been on a date. Like a "real" date. Like let's grab drinks and dinner and see what happens date.
So, after not eating all day and trying on every article of clothing I have and even washing some to be sure I had all my options, I ended up just wearing everything that makes me me and comfortable, got in the car, blasting the ac on my pits that were out of control when my anthem came on the radio (I had never heard it on the radio) and I took a breath turned it up and trusted it was a sign to just chill out.
So, I'll save you all the details from here. I met him at the bar, it was incredibly awkward. I mapped out at least 3 escape routes and abandoned all of them for some unknown reason. Like "will you excuse me while I go to the ladies room real quick?" and just fucking bolt out of the back door. No, seriously. But, no, I sat there and got drunk (remember I said I didn't eat) and as the tequila hit, it did get a little more tolerable the less I gave a shit about what this dude thought.
Two hours later and drunk. I survived. I sat there for two hours! I mean, remember that "20 seconds of bravery" thing I wrote about? Well, apparently I had saved millions of seconds of it for this event.
The bottom line is, it was mutual. We never would've seen each other in a totally organic setting and been like "I'm really interested in talking to him/her." And, yet, we did for two hours. The only reason I have any inkling to talk to him again is to laugh about how terrible it was and why did we stay? But, I won't, don't worry.
So, what I learned, right? I learned that I do take things too seriously. If I would've just chilled out and removed all expectations of how that whole thing was going to go, it probably would've been a lot easier. I'm socially awkward enough as it is, but being out in a situation that is so awkward from start to finish is like hell on earth for me. But, I survived. I lived to laugh about it as soon as I got in my car. I had the courage to put myself out there and show up for something I never would've done before. My survival instincts (when I got over the escape plans) was to order tequila (he did, too) and not give a damn. Also, the red flags were there. They totally were and I chose to ignore them because he brought out almost famous lines leading up to our meeting. Really, that's all it took. So, don't be blinded by favorite movie references. Check.
So, I took that leap. I stumbled a bit in the landing. But, I have all of my limbs and no bruises to be attributed to the experience. I'll chalk it up to another experience. I'll take all of the lessons and horrible first date stories with me. I won't let it ruin almost famous or "Tiny Dancer" even though it was drunkenly sang to me in a public setting. I will use an escape route next time (if there is a next time) and, no matter what, my life will go on.
No, you read that right, "drunkenly sang 'Tiny Dancer.'"
I mean, everyone needs a horrible first (and last) date chapter in the book, right? So glad to check that off the life experiences list.

ego breakfast.

One of my favorite lyrics from Cursive that I couldn't really say any better (maybe more eloquently though if I tired) is "my ego's like my stomach, it keeps shitting what I feed it." If you knew me during my Cursive phase, you knew I was going to say that right? Cause if I made you mix CDs it was on at least three of them, right?
Anyway, I'm not gonna go all Freudian on you, but damn my ego/self-confidence/esteem is my fucking worst enemy. (raise your hand if you said "duh" when you read that statement.) I had a conversation with my mother who is a counselor/therapist a couple of months ago when I was doubting good things that were coming my way. It all just seemed too good to be true and my mom had a very Freudian conversation with me, but the point is, I have to start believing that these things are true, are finding their way to me for a reason and I have to basically get my shit together so when the time comes, I don't back away and kick my own ass later. She knows me better than I realize.
So, I've kind of been quiet here about some things that are going on because my ego told me to and I probably will be a little while longer. But, you should know, I've taken a pretty big leap, definitely not the riskiest, but in an area of my life I needed to move on with and if I can just tell myself (my ego) to chill the fuck out for a second, something good just may happen.
"'Cause I'm good enough. I'm smart enough and, doggone it, people like me."
I just quoted Stuart Smiley. I think my mom did, too. I think I'm gonna go now...
But, I mean, it is true. And, that snl skit was the one my mom and sister looked forward to weekly, aside from church lady.
I'm gonna go chop some broc-o-ly. Not really it's 8 am, I just went on an snl/Dana Carvey tangent I didn't see coming.
So, basically, what I'm trying to put into perspective here so I can move on with the rest of my day, is that I took that leap for a reason and I can't change my mind about it mid-air because I'll like die or something. And I may not land in the best spot, but hopefully I'll still have my legs to just move a little further and I'll be there? You know?
I think my best talent, other than dying my hair, is being totally vague. But let's just keep these little affirmations coming and I'm going to do my best to tune out the bullshit in my brain, it gets toxic in there when I let it run wild.

d. i. notsomuch.

I really, really, really wanted this post to be all bad ass and proud with a shit eating grin about omg I'm so awesome I don't need help from anyone look what I just did! It's not going to be at all. (yet another jinx I've put on myself this week.)
So, as previously mentioned, I had every intention of "Edward scissor handing" my bushes out front and all of those extremely exciting things. Well, I woke up this fine Saturday morning and mapped out my day. Start laundry, go to Lowe's to buy cord thingy for the hedge trimmer my dad gave me and possibly some plants and come home and just get after it.
I felt so badass going to Lowe's head held high. I walked in like I owned it and "no, I don't need any help" and of course wasn't asked cause I looked like I knew where I was going and what I was getting. I scoffed a little bit at the ladies looking lost and pushed my cart along. Around the store. Three times. I admitted defeat and asked a question and was given a pretty obvious answer, of course, I wanted to reply that I just needed to know where that aisle was not where the thing was located, but I didn't. It was kinda like stereotypical role reversal like how men don't like to ask for directions because apparently they are supposed to be wired with an internal GPS, I just wanted to feel like I could figure it out, I mean it's a store for crying out loud I'm supposed to know how to navigate it with my eyes closed even though I've never stepped foot in it alone and not following my father to the electrical aisle.
I came home plant-less because I just didn't know what I wanted and plugged that baby in ready to go to town. Only not so much. I made my shrubs look like the back of jj's head that time I cut it so self-confidently one handed on the porch with scissors I probably had since second grade or whatever grade it is that you get to stop using scissors with all the protective plastic and a blade like plastic cutlery. I digress. They looked like shit is what I'm trying to say. And after almost cutting my toes off, don't ask, I made a phone call to my dad asking for tricks of the trade. His response, "it's just like cutting hair." My point exactly.
So, I trimmed them down as evenly as possible and my dad offered to come over another day to help me and by help me I mean my participation will be "do you need another cup of coffee, dad?" This is strike two, if you're keeping tabs.
Next project, wash off patio. Simple enough, right? My patio is disgusting. Kitty hair balls rolled in cig ash and god knows what else. Well, as it turns out, my patio doesn't exactly drain well and I ended up with about three inches of water with debris floating everywhere. I got flashbacks to hurricane Katrina clean up efforts (too soon?) and got my broom and swept the shit out. Once it dries in three weeks, it may look better, right?
So, the moral is, I'm feeling like a little defeated, clueless homeowner. Maybe I should've gotten up those Saturday mornings when my dad would weed eat or mow the patch of grass outside my bedroom window for an annoyingly long time to get me out of bed and gotten my hands dirty and picked up a few tricks of the trade. I only say that here because I know he doesn't read this and if you tell him, I swear to god I'll do something like really half assed to attempt to punish you.
I mean, I just really wanted to feel all bad ass and prove that "I got this," you know? This isn't leading to future love interest job requirements, I think anyone reading this with a shred of feminist thoughts has already rolled their eyes and gagged a little, but I mean, I can put together boxed furniture and check my oil too so stop judging me. I can feel it. I just would like a little help and if that takes me swallowing my pride a little and asking my dad to do it, so be it.
So, there. Turns out I'm not so independent, but maybe with a little help I will be. So contradictory.
So, now, I think I'll go get a beer and sit in the sun. Now, that I'm a pro at.

jinx (?).

So, there's really not much to report. It's been pretty smooth sailing for me with few waves in sight and unusually calm seas (I'm crossing fingers and toes right now in case I totally just jinxed myself).
I've been delighting in all of the goodness that comes along with spring in between its showers. I'm off this weekend and plan on Edward scissor handing (see how I just made that a verb) the hell out of my bushes and going to a painting class with my family so we can paint portraits of our pets (I requested extra black paint for kitty). Speaking of 80 year old woman activities I have planned, I just may have to make an appearance at the next HOA meeting because I have a serious bone to pick with whoever is responsible for making the decision to start re-tiling the pool in March. I should have suffered my first sunburn of the season by now and be well on my way to golden goddess status with my book and beverage in hand. And while I'm on the subject of my neighbors, while I do sincerely appreciate the fact that one of them has neglected to protect their wifi network, I would really appreciate it if they would tighten their signal up because I'm ready to start sophomore year on Felicity. I don't know why I didn't stay tuned in after Dawson's Creek in the late 90s nor can I really explain how I got started watching this show with the hair and the sweaters and the Noels and the Bens, but dammit, I know it's a big deal when she cuts her hair off and now I'm invested in finding out why she made that earth shattering decision.
So, this is what my uneventful life looks like. I'll take it. Also, Netflix is up and running (I guess that was a rather fortunate jinx and hopefully not a foreshadow to the first one I mentioned), so I guess I'll get back to my quiet little life.
Wait, I mean did you really just read this? Bless your little heart.

it's time.

How long have I been quoting "Lover's Spit"? Um, since about 5 seconds after I heard the song for the first time. But, "you know, it's time that we grow old and do some shit" has really taken root finally.

You're welcome for attaching the vid to my thought. Take a moment if you need.
I've had a lot of conversation with friends the past couple of weeks that have made me realize that made me realize I am so ready to grow up, maybe I already have? I have held on so tightly to all of those things I thought I would have done or be doing by now, but have now begun to actually believe that I am. I have some living left to do for sure, and I'm starting to, but it's OK to be grown up about things and do what you gotta do to get where you wanna go.
We're gonna be challenged. There will be forks, y'all. Big decisions, hard ones, too. Sometimes we might not have a say. But, it's happening for a reason. Others it's all on you. If you're unhappy, most of the time you can change it. (who would've thought?) It might take a while. Sometimes it can happen overnight if you concentrate hard enough. One day those crutches you've been relying on for so long can be tossed aside. Wounds heal. (if you stop reopening them.)
I'm going to be honest, I'm sorry. I must have been so miserable to be around the past few years. Never satisfied. Totally closed off. Bitter. Bitchy. (I'm still bitchy, but maybe just in a sassy way? Maybe?) Hopeless. Negative. I can be all of those things still, sometimes at the same time, but the point is, it doesn't stick around for long. Thank you for sticking around for the storm to pass. It was indeed a depression. The cloud's are clearing, the sun's shining, shit's starting to grow.
In an interview I read with Jeff Tweedy says what I'm trying to so I'm just going to let him do it. When asked about the album art for "Sky Blue Sky" this was his response:

"What I see is a very violent image. There's so much energy and chaos. You can look at it several ways. One way would be: this is nature, how do people survive? They stay together. It's the starlings' only defense. You can look at it like a frozen moment of complete chaos. What people do so much--and what the record is getting at--is that people have trouble seeing past that chaos to the blue sky that's always there, even when it's cloudy. Speaking from my own experience, that's the part that gets very upsetting, debilitating and frustrating about depression. You know it's there, but you don't have access to it. In a lot of ways, that image says to me, 'This too shall pass," You can find that blue sky if you want."

That's my view right now. Look at that sky blue sky breaking through.

check, please.

Wait, y'all, it's April?
The months are flying by so fast it's so hard to wrap my mind around. However, now that we're officially a quarter down in 2012, I can happily say my 2012 check list (although on-going) is getting some check marks rather quickly.
Basically, I decided it was, indeed, time to get shit going and like I've said before I stopped waiting for someone or something to really push me forward, self-propelling (ok, with a little help) is so much more rewarding.
I've made so many small changes it's hard to notice I've made them, but the results are coming in and movement is definitely charted. Growth, y'all, is good. Even with the occasional growing pains.
I was asked to write a short blurb about what I've learned so far this year to follow up with a blog series a wrote at the close of last year and there's been so many lessons learned I don't know how to sum it up in 5 sentences or less. That's a good thing, but being concise has never been a strength of mine.
But, I think the biggest thing I've learned is that I am in control. Saying "yes" takes you places. I haven't regained total ownership of being a badass, although there are some things I've realized I'm pretty badass at. I've allowed myself to be and do all of the things that felt right, some didn't work out, most did and with a pretty healthy ratio. I'm cheap as hell and even though I won't even consider paying for things like cable or Internet, that allows me to buy houses, cars and weekend trips to Vegas. I'm still single, but I'm dipping my toe in the pool from time to time, the water's getting warmer, I'll cannon ball into that bitch soon enough. I don't unravel at minor setbacks, I figure it out, move on.
It just all kind of feels like I'm catching my breath after holding it for so, so long.
So I'll be using these April showers to my advantage. Wash as much of it away as you can, please. I got the rest.