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When I lived at 414, I had these song lyrics written on my bedroom window from the day I moved in until pretty much the moment I walked out for the last time. It's a song about regret and moving on and living fearlessly and knowing you're doing it all the best you can. It was an anthem of sorts for a long time, replaced several times over, but, the question, "but, what can you change?" always comes to mind when I find myself reaching for some moment in the past with "what ifs?" rolling though my mind.
I used to say regret is a useless emotion. You can't change it, move on. But, I kind of lost the power to do so. I. can't. let. go. I thought I had, but now know that I never really did, just dug its grave really, really deep.
I've recently caught myself with a shovel in my hand one too many times. Digging the shit up. Catching glimpses of it, reliving a piece of it, cringing, regretting, trying to think of ways to make it different now. Impossible.
I have to let it all go. I have to move forward. I have to move on.
The good news is, each day I'm feeling more and more like I want to. I think part of why I keep going back is because I'm starting to want to say, "hey, take a look at me now. You were around when I was really not feeling like myself and I want you to remember something different this next time we part ways." I have no control of that either though.
The fog is clearing. I can see in front of me again, and more importantly, I'm taking more control of what I'm beginning to see on the horizon. I may not be proud of what I'm leaving behind entirely right now, maybe I will when there's enough distance between then and now. I know that it happened for a reason, and a good one at that, but sometimes those are hard to find.
But, if I have to find a reason for today, it's just going to have to be that it happened because tomorrow has to come and I have to be OK if there isn't a period at the end of that sentence, even if it seems unfinished. I also have the courage to put one if it needs to go there. (it does.)
I guess I have to start allowing things to change. For the good or the bad. The good things will still be around and get better with time as most things do. There are other things that are good for right now, and that's OK, too. I have to stop trying to make things last forever if they're not meant to. Some things have an expiration date. I just have to make myself let go of the old so I can recognize the right now.
Because I've always wanted to be able to turn and look down the path that's lead me here and know that I did it all the best I knew how.
Period.

are you losing me?

Journeys. It's all this life is about I think. Adventures, they're the sweet spots of it all. I've been thinking a lot about all of this lately. My own adventure, turned journey to Los Angeles and those of the ones I love, too. Turning points. They're so good.
JJ began to set out on his. A little late, he thought, but I kind of think it's perfect timing. Talking to him about his hopes, fears, excitement as he prepared to leave, I began to go back to mine. I wish I could hop in the car and share his with him, too. So, I made him a really long playlist. The soundtrack to everything. Just scrolled through my songs and found 80 of 'em that were connected to something good. Sometimes listening to certain songs it just sucks you in, right? You just go back. I can smell things or taste them sometimes. I can always picture it. It's amazing. The fact there are 80+ of those (as I'm listening to it myself I keep thinking, "oh, I want to listen to _____ song now.") is pretty incredible and has been quite an experience to just absorb it all. It's kind of humbling in some ways, so nostalgic and very much an emotional roller coaster.
I think I'll continue to add to it as I remember more songs and form attachments to new ones. It will tell such a good story and maybe even a different one to everyone who shares those songs with me.
Here are some of my highlights: