better.

On Christmas, my sister asked me when I was going to start writing again. I mean, at some point? I have been, haven't I? It's been like a year she said. Since Wiley died she said. Damn I thought.
The next day, I was getting my big ass super strong coffee that I can't seem to make it successfully through the day without and I looked over and saw a sticker that just said "WILEY" real big and bold and I thought to myself, OK, I get it!
So here I am. Hi.
I started be reading some of my last posts. It was refreshing to revisit and see where I was a year ago. I'm not there anymore. In so many ways. But, to stumble upon a time capsule of a really positive, powerful moment when I've been feeling really negative and powerless was a reminder that it's in me and I can get it back.
2014, you've been a rough one.
Every aspect of my life got turned upside down and I just had to power through it and think about it later. I guess later is here and now.
I packed up all my things and sold my little nest and moved down to Houston with hopes of a fresh start personally and spring board professionally. I do think it can still be both of those things, but it's absolutely been neither so far. It's been a challenge to say the least. I'm not scared of those, but I can't say I was totally ready. I just took a leap. Sometimes I think running was involved though I'm not sure from what. I got a birthday card from my Aunt and she said what I did was so brave and courageous and that I've done it with such grace. I never thought about my move or myself as any of those things while it was happening and I began to cry because maybe it kind of was.
I'm not going to recap 2014 month-by-month. A LOT happened. Know that. Some of the biggest events of my life have happened. What I will tell you is that I totally lost myself. Again.
I built another big, huge comfort bubble and I was so cozy in it. But, then it popped and not like a big pop more like a slow leak and I still haven't figured out if I did it or someone else just stuck a little pin in it and walked away casually. My family got turned  upside down. My work life got turned upside down. My house was my last little bit of sanctuary until a "for sale" sign got shoved in the grass and I began sorting and packing my things. I was upside down.
The family stuff is right side up again although there may continue to be a little lean. But, for me, I honestly couldn't tell you, at times it's totally just felt like a spin.
I don't know where this chapter will take me. I do know that amazing things come out of discomfort. I was too comfortable. I want more for myself, but I wasn't going to get it in that bubble. I know I made the right decision and I've had lots of signs that confirm it. I'm always searching for the what does it all means and am hopeful for what life could be when I have time to make it so. I'm making plans for myself and I'm going to do my best to stick to them.
So, on this, the last day of 2014 which will forever go down as THE year, what I'm saying is, I've been struggling, challenged, uncomfortable and maybe even hiding, but I'm also fighting and maybe on my better days I'm a little courageous and muster up a bit of grace. 2015 is going to be all about "better." It's allllll gonna get better, y'all.