Which brought me to the other type of baggage. The shit I have stored in the corners of my heart and mind. I've cleared through quite a bit of that in the last year, too. There's no event in life where I will RSVP and think "oh, yeah! I still have that memory of this time or I can dust off that buried relationship for my +1." The good stuff can stay, like those t-shirts from high school. But, only as reminders of a special time that felt really good and made a piece of who I am today.
Moving here is definitely on my "best decision I've ever made list." I've made some decisions to run away from things in the past, but I definitely made this one to run to something in the future. I unknowingly brought a ton of shit with me and as I realized in my closet, I really just don't have room in my life for some of the things I felt like I didn't have a choice but to hang on to. I haven't needed any of those things in the last year. I've made room for new things and left space for special things that I will find along the way.
I've both changed and stayed the same and that's kind of a cool thing to realize as I approach 30. I've been so many different people in the last 3 decades. With each transformation, a few things remain the same. A few weeks ago, I went to see one of the bands that's on one of those shirts I've been hanging on to. With my oldest friend. We high-fived the hell out of our 15-year-old selves and talked about our almost 30-year-old selves. After that I went to New York, a place I've always wanted to go, but until I was there didn't really realize I was scared of because I thought I might be hit with the reality of a possible self I imagined so long ago. Living in that city and being a writer. That thought hit me as we were swerving recklessly through traffic in the city. I immediately realized it wasn't the place for me and I let go of the "what if" baggage I had been carrying around unknowingly for the last 10 years and just experienced the city without imagining myself living in it anymore. It was like forgiveness.
We carry so many things around for so long, often unknowingly. I went to get a massage and during the consultation, this angel of a man asked me if he could help my body forget its traumas. "Sure! You can try! Good luck!" was my response. He sensed things all over my body I had long forgotten about like sprained ankles and as he worked through it he would have me touch that part of my body and whisper "let go" in my ear. When we were done, I asked him about his process. For example, if someone else would have been there, would he have had them touch that place and he said no "it has to come from you. You have to be part of the healing." It was powerful to say the least. Kind of magical.
Without going through the nitty gritty details of the ups and downs (because they've been extreme) of the last year, if I had to put a word on the change that has occurred in me I guess it would be "confidence." The confidence to just show up and be who I am to all of these people who don't know me. The confidence to know what's right and what's not for me. To know what I have room for in my life (or apartment) and what I don't. To know what I do and don't want or need and be ok with saying it and moving on. It's like freedom and I haven't had to ask myself for forgiveness in a long time. I've had to put my hands of my life and heal myself. Let go of the past.
There are things I miss undoubtedly, just like I know there's something in those bags that I didn't mean to get rid of, but the good stuff always finds its way back. The best stuff never leaves. I'm pretty confident about that.
