I realize I'm where I'm supposed to be for reasons I'm probably not even fully aware of yet and I'm totally ok with that. Really.
But, it's hard not to watch the stories unfold in other people's lives (whether actually being a part of it or just stalking it on Facebook), and not wonder or even get some sense of urgency for when these things are going to make their way into your own storyline.
I listen real hard though and I don't hear a tick tock of any sort of biological clock. (It may also be because it just so happens all of the clocks and watches I own have dead batteries...) While I'm not a patient person in many areas of my life at all, this one I'm cool with. In due time. At the right time.
Turning 27 and being a part of some really incredible, life changing moments for people in my life while I was 26 did make me kind of see the days flying by, calendar changing.
I don't think I'm old, or feel old or think my life is over, and even though I do joke about my little life and my 30th birthday wishlist that consists only of getting my eggs frozen before they get all crazy (that's only a half-joke, it is pretty much a plan right now), I haven't given up.
But, it's like, where do the puzzle pieces come from? I can't find them? I've put the corners and edges down, but there's no real picture forming here, y'all. And, it kind of kills me. I just want to know. I could wait for it as long as I knew for sure it'll come and get figured out. Maybe. Probably not. I could impatiently, but a little more confidently wait.
Do people I know now have the pieces hiding in their pockets or do I have to find the people, too? Pieces like "When am I going to move?," "Am I going to move?," "What am I doing?," "Where am I going?," and "Whose gonna be there?"
It's really just a pot boiling over with "what ifs?" it's my favorite thing to keep on the stove after all.
Monday, January 21, 2013
Sunday, January 20, 2013
conundrum.
I'm kind of trying to wrap my brain around the whole "perception is reality" thing. I mean, I get it on a basic level, but like whose perception is the real deal?
Just go with me for a minute.
Last night I had a few run ins with people from very different parts of my past and through catch up convos, I'm going to go ahead and admit, it felt really crazy to hear how they perceived me. In talking about the past with liquored up loose lips to hear people say things like how much they looked up to me in college and knew more about me than I ever knew people at such a distance could, it kind of blew my mind. Because it wasn't MY reality. It's not how I perceived myself to be. But, do I just not allow myself to see it? And, would arguing all of their points away change it?
I consider myself to be an observer. I'm the one who watches and takes notes and figures other people out. Why did I never consider that other people do, too?
I appreciated how candid they were and I was with them, too. On lots of subjects that I don't really get to talk so passionately about with very many people anymore. It was, in a word, refreshing. I mean, how can you not appreciate people saying they see you as this bad ass, take it or leave it, has her shit figured out girl? Granted, they haven't seen me in a while, but I didn't think I was projecting that in college either. I thought everyone was completely aware that I was (and still kind of am) an absolute fucking mess.
But, I drove home wondering just how people see me and, if more than one person does, maybe that is the reality? It's not every day people have the courage to just spill out what they think about you. it's not like I asked for it, but wouldn't it be nice if we could all always be so up front about it? Just say it?
I know who I am (today) sometimes that's easier to swallow than others. The reality is, it's always changing, always will. Some parts anyway. I always thought I wouldn't want to be who I used to be, but maybe I just got it all wrong? Well, not all of it. And, I'd be curious to know what the few people who I truly believe saw the real me then and now would say about that, too.
And, when I think about some people that are in the distance, I realize it takes major balls to come out and say just what you really think. Why is it hard to tell someone you think they seem pretty amazing? How is that a vulnerable spot to be in? And, here's the conundrum, my perception is probably not their reality.
Just go with me for a minute.
Last night I had a few run ins with people from very different parts of my past and through catch up convos, I'm going to go ahead and admit, it felt really crazy to hear how they perceived me. In talking about the past with liquored up loose lips to hear people say things like how much they looked up to me in college and knew more about me than I ever knew people at such a distance could, it kind of blew my mind. Because it wasn't MY reality. It's not how I perceived myself to be. But, do I just not allow myself to see it? And, would arguing all of their points away change it?
I consider myself to be an observer. I'm the one who watches and takes notes and figures other people out. Why did I never consider that other people do, too?
I appreciated how candid they were and I was with them, too. On lots of subjects that I don't really get to talk so passionately about with very many people anymore. It was, in a word, refreshing. I mean, how can you not appreciate people saying they see you as this bad ass, take it or leave it, has her shit figured out girl? Granted, they haven't seen me in a while, but I didn't think I was projecting that in college either. I thought everyone was completely aware that I was (and still kind of am) an absolute fucking mess.
But, I drove home wondering just how people see me and, if more than one person does, maybe that is the reality? It's not every day people have the courage to just spill out what they think about you. it's not like I asked for it, but wouldn't it be nice if we could all always be so up front about it? Just say it?
I know who I am (today) sometimes that's easier to swallow than others. The reality is, it's always changing, always will. Some parts anyway. I always thought I wouldn't want to be who I used to be, but maybe I just got it all wrong? Well, not all of it. And, I'd be curious to know what the few people who I truly believe saw the real me then and now would say about that, too.
And, when I think about some people that are in the distance, I realize it takes major balls to come out and say just what you really think. Why is it hard to tell someone you think they seem pretty amazing? How is that a vulnerable spot to be in? And, here's the conundrum, my perception is probably not their reality.
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