the good fight.

So, here's the thing... I write a lot about my revelations as they come to me. Kind of like a way for me to commit because there, I said it, I've got to hold to it. Someone out there is saying "prove it." Sometimes I do prove it, sometimes I don't. That doesn't make them any less true or right, but let's face it, some days are harder than others, feel better than others.
But, just now, I had another one and I'm gonna stream of consciousness work through it. Stay with me. I went to bed with a lot of burdens last night. And, by went to bed, that's what I mean. I tossed. I turned. Tried this position or that to find the magic one that would be oh-so-comfortable sleep would be irresistible. Never found it. Turns out the mind seeks a certain type of comfort and it doesn't matter how your head is positioned on a pillow.
But, before that, I watched a movie. Not really worth mentioning, it came in the mail and thought it would help me tune out what was swirling around and it did, and, of course when it was done, it all came back. Although, it was a little different because I did identify with one of the characters (aside from the fact I've always thought the actress looks like my mother when she was younger). She realizes through a serious of dramatic events, of course, that she's always fighting for everyone else. Always rooting everyone else on. Always giving up something she may want, because, hey, they want it, too, I'll just find something else. And, I'm not about to set up a pity party for myself or anything, but, fuck, it was looking at a version of myself I never really thought about before. I feel as though there have been too many times that I've fought the good fight, begged, pleaded for people and things to stay around for a while. I shy away from asking for what I really want because I guess I question if I really deserve it. But, here's the thing, there haven't been that many times I can recall that I really felt a fight for me. Maybe because I don't really give anyone a chance to because I take the reigns or there's a feeling that I'll always be there (and that's something I'm honored by, in a way). I have a strong sense of loyalty to most of the people and things in my life. I'll do anything you need for you, if I can. But, now here's the realization coming, I can't. I can't fucking do it. I'm tired. I'm tired of fighting for everyone else and not feeling that I've got someone fighting with me. I shouldn't have to convince anyone to stick it out with me. I shouldn't have to convince you to believe in me.
By no means, am I bitter for realizing this. If there's anyone to blame it's myself. 100%. I've let it all happen this way. The only one holding me back is me. I have to start asking for what I want and saying out loud what I don't want. I shouldn't feel bad about high expectations because dammit, I should feel worth those things.
My tongue is scarred from biting it. My ears have gotten really good at hearing only what I want to. But, my mind is losing the strength to ignore what's not right. My heart has been too heavy. My back is all knotted and my feet hurt from carrying it all.
But, I promise, I'm not holding back anymore. I've got a life to live, and I believe that it's got the potential to be a great one. I've got things that are worth doing. And, I'll keep fighting for you because I want to, but I'm gonna fight even harder for me. I'll be better, stronger and for those people who stick around or new ones that come around, I'll be better for anyway.
And, that, is change I can believe in. That is a promise that is so worth keeping.

Wash it away.

My 25th year is coming to a close in about a month. Through all the unexpected twists and turns, all I see are deadlines glaring back at me. All of those things I said I would finally cross off. However, there are many things I'm happy to see a line drawn through and the others I'm starting to realize will probably always be there. Always unfinished. Always a work in progress. But as long as they don't sit ignored I'm going to go ahead and give myself a nod.
More or less a story of breaking old habits and starting new ones. Like bubble baths as hot as I can stand almost every night. Soaking til the water is cool again and my mind is a little less cloudy before it hits the pillow. Just taking time for me. Lord knows I've got plenty of that on my hands.
There are some exciting things on yr horizon. New writing outlets that will go beyond a small circle to a really big one. New focus on care for myself that will start to show how I'm changing inside on the outside. Just putting in the daily effort to get back to me. No apologies. Picking my battles. Continued forward motion.
This is nowhere near where I thought I'd be, but I have to keep trusting it's where I'm supposed to be. I'm not finding myself stopping dead and turning around to peer behind me as far as my mind can see. Things that are meant to will find there way back on this journey and I'll find gratitude either way.
Anyway, bath water's cold.