I'm savoring my coffee this morning because it's delicious and fall outside and because I don't want to go to work.
It's not that I don't want to work, it's that I don't want the major reality check that is going to slap me across the face, kick me in the gut and, most likely, leave a puddle of tears on the floor.
Today a really important chapter in my life will be ending. Today I will say goodbye to family and leave a home that I built, sometimes by myself, but most of the time with help by some really amazing people.
It's bittersweet.
I have been questioning and writing and thinking for months now about what's next? The answer came quite suddenly. I've been given a new opportunity to make the same impact in a new environment. A promotion that came along with a heaping helping of validation, investment and hope and left me feeling so incredibly valued by a company I have given so much to. It was an incredible moment because it not only the reaffirmed belief in myself by my leaders, but one that came with a peaceful feeling to know I was going in the right direction this whole time and followed with great grief of leaving a group of people who matter so much to me, a family, a team and realizing what it took to get there and what it will take to get there again.
I have so much fear and anxiety about letting them down, disappointing them. The words struggle to come out and most likely will be joined with a crack in my voice.
I have to get through today to move on to tomorrow. To begin a new chapter with new challenges, plot lines and characters.
I know that I can do it, because I already have. I'm a different, better person because of the last couple of chapters and since taking a look from the outside in, I've realized I am in fact, a leader.
I haven't taken a moment to celebrate. I don't feel like it's warranted yet. I'm going back to proving ground, the only difference is, I'm confident that it will be proven and no one will get in the way of it this time.
Today, it hurts, y'all. I've been treading uncomfortable territory the last month or so of making the best decision I can for myself with the consequence of letting important people in my life down. A friend told me that this is prof of how far I've come personally this year, that I'm finally taking a stand for what I deserve and being ok with saying I deserve more. That I've finally found a great amount of clarity and allowed myself to open up to opportunities confidently. When she said that, it was a major moment of accomplishment. I don't just sit down and write about hopes and dreams with my fingers crossed. This exchange is genuine and full of promise to myself and I've kept them. This year has been huge for me personally and with one of the final pieces to the puzzle nestling in, I can't help but be proud of what I've done and excited about what I am able and will do.
I've just got to get through today first.
Tomorrow, bring on the major leagues.
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
egg drop soup.
I was sick a couple of weeks ago. I champion myself on mind over matter tactics. I've been pretty sick and stuck it out continuing to work for longer hours than a lot of people would on their best days.
This time, for whatever reason, I just couldn't. I had to ask for help. Something I don't like doing. Perfect example, my mother of all people called to ask what she could do or bring me to help me feel better and I couldn't allow the answer to come up my throat. I was listing off things in my head, but couldn't even begin to utter a request because I didn't want her to have to drive all the way over here making stops and taking time out of her day to do it. My own mother, who at one time wiped my ass and cleaned up my vomit and tucked me in and would do almost anything to make me feel better. She called me on it, too in my feverish state.
"I want to help you, but I need you to ask for what will help."
That sentence resonated more with me than just "oh, okay, I'll take some of that egg drop soup and would you mind picking up some NyQuil, the good kind."
It was, this is a bigger issue. I won't communicate what I need or want because I don't want to burden some one else with my life's needs or wants, I can do it myself. And, I can, but that's not the point. When you make it impossible for people to figure out how they can contribute to your life, I imagine they stop seeing the need to be there in the first place. Eventually? Maybe?
It's a tricky, sticky line to tread. For me, anyway. Not wanting to make requests for people in my life because maybe it'll just be a little too much to ask. Swallowing frustration that people don't have the instinct to know what I need from them in my life and when. I guess I need to befriend some mind readers or just start communicating.
The latter I have been tip-toeing toward. Slowly. I've been trying to get over the fact that sometimes I may just have to say, "this is really bothering me and I need your help to fix it."
I've been struggling with the idea of "showing up" in life. I think I've written about it before. I want and need people in my life who show up for me. I feel like I do. I want to celebrate life's success and I want to help you mourn it's heartbreaks, too. I want to be there. I don't know that I have to be invited either. But, sometimes, I feel like no one's in my front row and get frustrated at trying to figure out if they needed an invitation mailed to them or VIP treatment to the front of the line, I don't know. I haven't asked.
I've been discussing this idea with a friend the past couple of days, and she pretty much nailed it. There's a vulnerability to asking for what we need because we just might be disappointed when they can't or won't or don't. It can say more than we want to admit.
Vulnerability and expectation. My kryptonite and Achilles heel right there. That, I know I've written about.
So, I guess the moral of the story is, you've gotta ask for egg drop soup if you want it and think it'll help make you feel better. And, if they can't bring it, well I guess you'll just have to get your feverish ass in the car and go get it from someone else.
Or something.
This time, for whatever reason, I just couldn't. I had to ask for help. Something I don't like doing. Perfect example, my mother of all people called to ask what she could do or bring me to help me feel better and I couldn't allow the answer to come up my throat. I was listing off things in my head, but couldn't even begin to utter a request because I didn't want her to have to drive all the way over here making stops and taking time out of her day to do it. My own mother, who at one time wiped my ass and cleaned up my vomit and tucked me in and would do almost anything to make me feel better. She called me on it, too in my feverish state.
"I want to help you, but I need you to ask for what will help."
That sentence resonated more with me than just "oh, okay, I'll take some of that egg drop soup and would you mind picking up some NyQuil, the good kind."
It was, this is a bigger issue. I won't communicate what I need or want because I don't want to burden some one else with my life's needs or wants, I can do it myself. And, I can, but that's not the point. When you make it impossible for people to figure out how they can contribute to your life, I imagine they stop seeing the need to be there in the first place. Eventually? Maybe?
It's a tricky, sticky line to tread. For me, anyway. Not wanting to make requests for people in my life because maybe it'll just be a little too much to ask. Swallowing frustration that people don't have the instinct to know what I need from them in my life and when. I guess I need to befriend some mind readers or just start communicating.
The latter I have been tip-toeing toward. Slowly. I've been trying to get over the fact that sometimes I may just have to say, "this is really bothering me and I need your help to fix it."
I've been struggling with the idea of "showing up" in life. I think I've written about it before. I want and need people in my life who show up for me. I feel like I do. I want to celebrate life's success and I want to help you mourn it's heartbreaks, too. I want to be there. I don't know that I have to be invited either. But, sometimes, I feel like no one's in my front row and get frustrated at trying to figure out if they needed an invitation mailed to them or VIP treatment to the front of the line, I don't know. I haven't asked.
I've been discussing this idea with a friend the past couple of days, and she pretty much nailed it. There's a vulnerability to asking for what we need because we just might be disappointed when they can't or won't or don't. It can say more than we want to admit.
Vulnerability and expectation. My kryptonite and Achilles heel right there. That, I know I've written about.
So, I guess the moral of the story is, you've gotta ask for egg drop soup if you want it and think it'll help make you feel better. And, if they can't bring it, well I guess you'll just have to get your feverish ass in the car and go get it from someone else.
Or something.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
rally.
So much happened in September making in seem like a long month, yet I can't believe it's October.
I know I wrote about how I was happy alone last, which was indeed a revelation, but September was filled with my favorite people, too.
I let my hair down, y'all. Held my head up high, too. I had a lot of fun doing my favorite things, most of which I hadn't done in a long time, some I thought were no longer in my comfort zone, but got over it quickly. Late nights, girl talk, live music, bachelorette parties, confidentially carrying conversations, basically, I rallied. Finally, right?
My boss has spent a lot of time talking to me about work/life balance in the lat year and I thought it was falling on dead ears as I just nodded my head in agreement knowing that it was a ridiculous notion. Well, it isn't. When I finally started putting myself on a personal level first and worked hard to build a capable, awesome team. It kind of fell into my life. I'm aware the scales tip here and there and will definitely begin to more so here in a few weeks, but I've never been scared or reluctant to work hard.
So, hey October. Let's keep it up. I've been gaining momentum, checking things off, feeling better, moving on.
I know I wrote about how I was happy alone last, which was indeed a revelation, but September was filled with my favorite people, too.
I let my hair down, y'all. Held my head up high, too. I had a lot of fun doing my favorite things, most of which I hadn't done in a long time, some I thought were no longer in my comfort zone, but got over it quickly. Late nights, girl talk, live music, bachelorette parties, confidentially carrying conversations, basically, I rallied. Finally, right?
My boss has spent a lot of time talking to me about work/life balance in the lat year and I thought it was falling on dead ears as I just nodded my head in agreement knowing that it was a ridiculous notion. Well, it isn't. When I finally started putting myself on a personal level first and worked hard to build a capable, awesome team. It kind of fell into my life. I'm aware the scales tip here and there and will definitely begin to more so here in a few weeks, but I've never been scared or reluctant to work hard.
So, hey October. Let's keep it up. I've been gaining momentum, checking things off, feeling better, moving on.
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