tenses.

June has been this big conflictual ball of the past and the present. 

Constant connections to the past in the present and admiration of the time that has gone on between and memory lanes and ghosts and all of that. 

Only, I didn't get too swept up in the current of it all. I embraced it and watched it unfold. Some of it I knew was coming. When I put it on the calendar months ago a little fear struck my heart of the emotional flood that was just bound to happen and others just kind of unexpectedly made there way here. None of them impacted me nearly to the extent I thought they would or could. 

All of it made me so grateful for the past. I'll cherish it so much for so much longer, but I don't cling to its security anymore. 

One of the more momentous occasions was when I went to see the Postal Service. It definitely ranks high on the top 5 emotional attachment albums. So many sweet experiences were soundtracked with those songs. I rarely let myself delve into that experience and didn't quite know where it would take me in a live setting. The day before I spent the evening looking for remnants of my 17-year-old self in boxes and journals and pictures, some pieces showed up in the flesh. I remembered things so fondly and the dread of the next evening grew a little bigger. 

When we found our seats, the lights went down minutes later and seconds after that the first notes hit me. I closed my eyes and let go. By the end of that song, I was overwhelmed with comfort with not only such a warm fuzzy feeling of such a sweet moment so long ago, but that I'm so much better now. 

Happenstance and chance encounters occurred in the most unlikely of contexts and I took them all in stride. I didn't lock up too much in a "what does it all mean?" whirlwind I just let it all mean something good. 

But, the best part is that I'm finally at a place, after all of these years, where I can say the present is just so much better than the past. With all its uncertainty and shaky knees and, even, feeling a little bit left in the dust from time to time, it's so incredible to look back and be grateful that all of those wonderful things happened with some pretty amazing people to end up here, right now, in this moment. And, also, maybe I should worry a little less about the future. 

Because I'm so much better now than I was then. 

the best.

I'm not a parent. I don't know when that title will be added to my life and, yeah, sometimes "when" is replaced with "if."

But, it's Father's Day and I know for a fact I'll never be one of those. As everyone (including me) has taken to the social networks to parade for theirs and try to prove why theirs is the best with a cute picture from childhood, I've kind of decided that I just might be proof of that on, not only my father's behalf, but my parents'. 

I think most of us had (and still do) moments (and some rightfully so) where we swore we would never be like them. We, for sure, would do a better job despite of them, maybe in spite of them, too. How dare they punish us for our poor decisions or tell us things we might not have wanted to hear and, more so, make mistakes? We'll show them all when we're so much better and perfect. 

I think one of the hardest lessons I've had to swallow as I was coming of age is that my parents, the ones who raised me by laying most of the foundations that ended up shaping who I am, didn't and don't really know what they're doing any more than I do. Just as they were starting to see me develop into an adult, I was starting to see the scales tip a little bit as I realized they don't have all the answers because, hey, none of us do. It's a scary thing to realize your entire life there will always be new territories to navigate and some of them you'll continue to be blindfolded. 

I don't know what kind of parent I'll be. But, I know there will undoubtedly be moments for my possible future children that they swear they'll never be like me and I'll let them think it, but I do know they'll see my reflection in the mirror sooner or later just as I do with my parents. The further I go on my path, there's no denying I am very much my parents' child, the good and the bad. 

I can't say there haven't been times they've let me down, but I know there have been some where I've disappointed them, too. I can say there have been more times I've been proud of them, and I hope that's the same tally they have for me, too. 

What I know is that I am so fucking lucky to have parents that I can love unconditionally and be loved the same way, if not more. I want to be the proof they need to know they did the best they could. The best they knew how to. That they know my successes belong to them, too, and how thankful I am that they don't turn their backs when I make mistakes and fail. 

When I was a little girl, I had this fear of growing up. I literally wouldnt fall asleep at night for fear of the next day being closer to the one they wouldn't be there for. Why I knew and understood to such an intense level that a day would come when they would become unreachable I'll never understand, but that feeling has never gone away and grows as I very clearly see time running out. It's the reason I forgive easily and move on quickly with the people who matter the most to me. That fear sits at the very center of my life every day regardless of when I choose to feel it or ignore it, it's always been there. But, as I allow myself to see them in me more clearly the older I get, I'm trying to take comfort in the fact that no matter what happens when they can't be here for it, they will be because they made me and raised me and I am becoming equal parts of them and it wasn't my choice which parts took root. 

I don't know what qualifies a parent to be the "best" and I don't know if that's a prize the "best" parent would ever accept, but I do know when they give their speech they wouldn't say it was because their achievements were in spite of or despite their own parents, but because of them with all of their love, challenges, mistakes, failures, success, pride, joy, fear and sorrow. 

So, I guess I do kind of know what kind of parent I'll be when/if the times comes, so I'll just go ahead and say I'm sorry for the mistakes I'm going to make, but I couldn't wait to know what true love and overwhelming pride felt like.