But, it's Father's Day and I know for a fact I'll never be one of those. As everyone (including me) has taken to the social networks to parade for theirs and try to prove why theirs is the best with a cute picture from childhood, I've kind of decided that I just might be proof of that on, not only my father's behalf, but my parents'.
I think most of us had (and still do) moments (and some rightfully so) where we swore we would never be like them. We, for sure, would do a better job despite of them, maybe in spite of them, too. How dare they punish us for our poor decisions or tell us things we might not have wanted to hear and, more so, make mistakes? We'll show them all when we're so much better and perfect.
I think one of the hardest lessons I've had to swallow as I was coming of age is that my parents, the ones who raised me by laying most of the foundations that ended up shaping who I am, didn't and don't really know what they're doing any more than I do. Just as they were starting to see me develop into an adult, I was starting to see the scales tip a little bit as I realized they don't have all the answers because, hey, none of us do. It's a scary thing to realize your entire life there will always be new territories to navigate and some of them you'll continue to be blindfolded.
I don't know what kind of parent I'll be. But, I know there will undoubtedly be moments for my possible future children that they swear they'll never be like me and I'll let them think it, but I do know they'll see my reflection in the mirror sooner or later just as I do with my parents. The further I go on my path, there's no denying I am very much my parents' child, the good and the bad.
I can't say there haven't been times they've let me down, but I know there have been some where I've disappointed them, too. I can say there have been more times I've been proud of them, and I hope that's the same tally they have for me, too.
What I know is that I am so fucking lucky to have parents that I can love unconditionally and be loved the same way, if not more. I want to be the proof they need to know they did the best they could. The best they knew how to. That they know my successes belong to them, too, and how thankful I am that they don't turn their backs when I make mistakes and fail.
When I was a little girl, I had this fear of growing up. I literally wouldnt fall asleep at night for fear of the next day being closer to the one they wouldn't be there for. Why I knew and understood to such an intense level that a day would come when they would become unreachable I'll never understand, but that feeling has never gone away and grows as I very clearly see time running out. It's the reason I forgive easily and move on quickly with the people who matter the most to me. That fear sits at the very center of my life every day regardless of when I choose to feel it or ignore it, it's always been there. But, as I allow myself to see them in me more clearly the older I get, I'm trying to take comfort in the fact that no matter what happens when they can't be here for it, they will be because they made me and raised me and I am becoming equal parts of them and it wasn't my choice which parts took root.
I don't know what qualifies a parent to be the "best" and I don't know if that's a prize the "best" parent would ever accept, but I do know when they give their speech they wouldn't say it was because their achievements were in spite of or despite their own parents, but because of them with all of their love, challenges, mistakes, failures, success, pride, joy, fear and sorrow.
So, I guess I do kind of know what kind of parent I'll be when/if the times comes, so I'll just go ahead and say I'm sorry for the mistakes I'm going to make, but I couldn't wait to know what true love and overwhelming pride felt like.
No comments:
Post a Comment