tenses.

June has been this big conflictual ball of the past and the present. 

Constant connections to the past in the present and admiration of the time that has gone on between and memory lanes and ghosts and all of that. 

Only, I didn't get too swept up in the current of it all. I embraced it and watched it unfold. Some of it I knew was coming. When I put it on the calendar months ago a little fear struck my heart of the emotional flood that was just bound to happen and others just kind of unexpectedly made there way here. None of them impacted me nearly to the extent I thought they would or could. 

All of it made me so grateful for the past. I'll cherish it so much for so much longer, but I don't cling to its security anymore. 

One of the more momentous occasions was when I went to see the Postal Service. It definitely ranks high on the top 5 emotional attachment albums. So many sweet experiences were soundtracked with those songs. I rarely let myself delve into that experience and didn't quite know where it would take me in a live setting. The day before I spent the evening looking for remnants of my 17-year-old self in boxes and journals and pictures, some pieces showed up in the flesh. I remembered things so fondly and the dread of the next evening grew a little bigger. 

When we found our seats, the lights went down minutes later and seconds after that the first notes hit me. I closed my eyes and let go. By the end of that song, I was overwhelmed with comfort with not only such a warm fuzzy feeling of such a sweet moment so long ago, but that I'm so much better now. 

Happenstance and chance encounters occurred in the most unlikely of contexts and I took them all in stride. I didn't lock up too much in a "what does it all mean?" whirlwind I just let it all mean something good. 

But, the best part is that I'm finally at a place, after all of these years, where I can say the present is just so much better than the past. With all its uncertainty and shaky knees and, even, feeling a little bit left in the dust from time to time, it's so incredible to look back and be grateful that all of those wonderful things happened with some pretty amazing people to end up here, right now, in this moment. And, also, maybe I should worry a little less about the future. 

Because I'm so much better now than I was then.