better.

On Christmas, my sister asked me when I was going to start writing again. I mean, at some point? I have been, haven't I? It's been like a year she said. Since Wiley died she said. Damn I thought.
The next day, I was getting my big ass super strong coffee that I can't seem to make it successfully through the day without and I looked over and saw a sticker that just said "WILEY" real big and bold and I thought to myself, OK, I get it!
So here I am. Hi.
I started be reading some of my last posts. It was refreshing to revisit and see where I was a year ago. I'm not there anymore. In so many ways. But, to stumble upon a time capsule of a really positive, powerful moment when I've been feeling really negative and powerless was a reminder that it's in me and I can get it back.
2014, you've been a rough one.
Every aspect of my life got turned upside down and I just had to power through it and think about it later. I guess later is here and now.
I packed up all my things and sold my little nest and moved down to Houston with hopes of a fresh start personally and spring board professionally. I do think it can still be both of those things, but it's absolutely been neither so far. It's been a challenge to say the least. I'm not scared of those, but I can't say I was totally ready. I just took a leap. Sometimes I think running was involved though I'm not sure from what. I got a birthday card from my Aunt and she said what I did was so brave and courageous and that I've done it with such grace. I never thought about my move or myself as any of those things while it was happening and I began to cry because maybe it kind of was.
I'm not going to recap 2014 month-by-month. A LOT happened. Know that. Some of the biggest events of my life have happened. What I will tell you is that I totally lost myself. Again.
I built another big, huge comfort bubble and I was so cozy in it. But, then it popped and not like a big pop more like a slow leak and I still haven't figured out if I did it or someone else just stuck a little pin in it and walked away casually. My family got turned  upside down. My work life got turned upside down. My house was my last little bit of sanctuary until a "for sale" sign got shoved in the grass and I began sorting and packing my things. I was upside down.
The family stuff is right side up again although there may continue to be a little lean. But, for me, I honestly couldn't tell you, at times it's totally just felt like a spin.
I don't know where this chapter will take me. I do know that amazing things come out of discomfort. I was too comfortable. I want more for myself, but I wasn't going to get it in that bubble. I know I made the right decision and I've had lots of signs that confirm it. I'm always searching for the what does it all means and am hopeful for what life could be when I have time to make it so. I'm making plans for myself and I'm going to do my best to stick to them.
So, on this, the last day of 2014 which will forever go down as THE year, what I'm saying is, I've been struggling, challenged, uncomfortable and maybe even hiding, but I'm also fighting and maybe on my better days I'm a little courageous and muster up a bit of grace. 2015 is going to be all about "better." It's allllll gonna get better, y'all.

old man.

You know, there are few people in this world, in this life, that really believe in you, and, I mean really believe in you. The ones that know more about what you're capable of made of more than you know yourself. 

Today I found out what it feels like when they're not there anymore. It's like it all gets a little darker all of the sudden and you realize the torch has been passed on to you to light it up yourself. 

I was just talking about writing. I've had this feeling that it'll come when it's good and ready and I'm not going to force it it rush it. Part of that was because the last conversation I had with Mr. Hilburn he told me he knew it would take me some time. I feared disappointing him and I felt the lump in my throat as I approached him at that football game. To really face him and it. And, just like always, he didn't scold me for the choices I made, but knew that it was all a part of the story. To know he still believed even after all of his pushing and molding and not being able to fully see it materialize. I'm sorry he never did. I don't know that he never will though. 

See, Mr. Hilburn was a writer and a story teller. He never ever stopped writing. I would believe you if you told me he was writing a column at least in his mind as he drew his last breath. He knew the core of things, and most importantly, people. He never seemed to change as he never wrote anything on a computer, always by hand and went to the same restaurant at the same time in the same town. You'd see him driving around Ruston in his red convertible twirling and chewing on the top of his felt tip pen. But, he changed you. If you let him. He never hid the truth and you never wanted to hide it from him. 

So, now the torch has been passed and it's time to pick up the felt tip pen. Who knew it would take this long? He did. 

maybe.

I had a conversation last night about growing up (more or less), not doing what you thought you would be (and being ok with it) and bubbles/safety nets (and what life is like without them). 

It's always great to be on the same page with someone about these things. You don't feel so alone in it or wrong or like a liar. 

I was asked (like I have been many times), why I don't really write much anymore and what makes me want to write and I gave the most honest answer I probably ever have, but one of his insights I don't want to be true. 

He said, "It sounds like being happy isn't good for your writing." 

So, I'm going to make it not true. 

Most days lately I find myself better than I have ever been. I don't know how to be ok with myself because I've spent more of my life not being ok with myself. Sure there are many things I continue to struggle with, but most of those could be fixed when I make the decision to do so. There are a few things I wish would find their way in to my life, but I've gotten better at trusting they will come, and when they do, they'll be better than they ever have been, too. 

Somehow it's gotten uncomfortable to be comfortable and content. Someone told me years ago that being comfortable was giving up and it pissed me off so badly. There are parts of that that were true and there are parts of me that still challenge that notion and make me want to prove it's not true, too. 

I absolutely could challenge myself to get out of my bubble more. Put myself out there more. Take a few more risks. Ask more of the questions I want the answers to. But, maybe I'm just not ready for it to burst yet? I haven't been in this new ok-being-me-I-have-control-over-everything bubble very long, I kinda wouldn't mind soaking it up a little longer and actually getting used to it. 

The point is, I am living the life I want to today. How I want to. And, there are things I want more or just some of, but I know I can get them. 

I want to be more adventurous, powerful, exciting, inspiring, vulnerable, loving and courageous. I want this year to challenge me in new and different ways. I want to fill the missing gaps. I want to complete the circles. Have all the burners going at once. I want all of it. I want all the things. 

Maybe I want someone to burst the bubble for me? Maybe I need to get better at asking for the things I want? 

But, maybe, I just need to be ok with being happy a little while longer first?

And, you know what? Maybe some people are scared of being single? Maybe some people are scared of living and/or being alone? Maybe some people are scared of doing some things they always said they never would? Maybe they're scared of figuring out what's really wrong? You know? 

Maybe I'm not.