cupid shuffle.

I've had a headache and haven't been able to move my neck freely in three days. In those days, I've been disappointed. A lot. I've been replaying conversations in my throbbing head and questioning the expectation I set and if it was clear enough. It was. But, sometimes someone else's "good" isn't my good enough. That's disappointing. 

I've woken up each morning and had an in-depth pep talk with myself before having to shuffle my feet along the floor in order to not trip over my discarded clothes and shoes that I've stripped off as quickly as possible to get in my bed, my sanctuary, and faced each day with my head held as high as my neck will allow it to be. 

I'm not wallowing. I don't think so anyway. I'm just exhausted. By everything. I want all of the things, but it is so damn hard to have them all at once. 

I fought my gut with that guy I was telling you about. I said what I needed to say and then backed down because my heart told me to. I put it out there, for the first time, what I needed and expected and I knew that all of the things weren't being checked off, but I just kept backing down and telling myself "but, they could be." Sometimes they won't be and that's disappointing. 

A word that has been sticking out in my clouded head is "priority." It's such a critical thing. It takes time to earn the top spot and maybe you don't ever get there, but let's just get to the top of the list. It's like are you being squeezed in to a person's schedule or are things getting penciled around you. That's a big difference. 

Ultimately, I don't know how to trust myself. I'm not listening to myself. There have been so many times where I slam the brakes in order to avoid slamming in to something damaging, but then I just kept going. Swerve a little to the right. Pull over. Slow down. And, then just keep going. "Where are we going?" I'd ask myself as I continued. "Nowhere" was the answer. And, sometimes fast. 

My car literally broke down. Unable to accelerate to the speed I needed her to go. Fighting back every time I pushed. The battery died. The computer quit on me- literally no longer able to tell the engine how to keep going. How apropos? 

I've gotten my car back. My neck is moving a little more. My head is clearing. I'll keep going. But, I'll pay attention to the signs and understand when they're blurry, my brain hurts, my neck refuses to let me look in any direction but forward and I'm unable to accelerate in the direction I'm forcing myself to go it's just time to stop. I can get over disappointment. It's ok to wallow it in for a second. Shuffle your feet to make sure you don't fall, but damn put your life back together, sister. Ok? Ok. 

clear eyes

A few weeks ago I noticed my vision was a little off. I thought something was wrong with my iPhone screen. Maybe I wasn't wearing my glasses enough. Not getting enough sleep? Allergies? It was none of those things. It became potential for big, scary things and I was urged to actually seek legitimate help in figuring out what was going on. 

Turns out, it's fine. Or, it will be. It's another thing I've done to myself brought on by stress. 

What's interesting about that diagnosis, is that I haven't really felt stress lately. Not at levels I've experienced in the past. I had been managing things much better and have had a significantly healthier work/life balance than I've probably ever achieved. There were and are still things on that list that is almost always there of things I know I should start doing or taking better care of, but I was getting to them. 

But, also, I met someone. I met someone who was really challenging and kind and caring and who was making me start to feel things I hadn't felt in a long time. It was open and honest and refreshing. It was scary, too. While I have been opening myself up, this was the true test of my willingness to be vulnerable and, while he was patient, he was also assuring that he would be respectful of the process for me as I began to peel back layers and let him in. 

Until it was his turn to be vulnerable. And he shut down. You don't get to do that. 

This morning I woke up and I did my eye test I've come accustomed to doing where I check the vision in each eye (my left one is the problem) and see if there's been improvement. This morning it was the clearest it's been in those weeks. Actually everything kind of was. I was mad because I feared that my instincts would kick in and say "told you so! Told you we didn't want to put that guard down, but you made us and look what happened." And, OK, they did. But, I haven't started making a list of reinforcement supplies to make that wall stronger and more difficult, I kind of just want to keep it down for a minute. Let some air breeze through and finish clearing out what remains. I'm not mad that any of it happened. I'm not going to beat myself up over it, but I am glad that I'm seeing more clearly now. 

I'm seeing that with each new experience I have, I learn something new about myself. I'm learning what my non-negotiables are (and also aren't). I'm realizing what I deserve (and what I don't). Figuring out what needs to be communicated (and what shouldn't have to be). You can't really learn these things without letting your guard down and maybe even when your vision is crystal clear. It will be. Eventually.

her.

A while ago someone asked me why moving to Houston was so good for me. I was taking a swig of beer and without hesitation I said "because I don't know anyone here." It was probably the most honest answer I've ever given and absolutely true. Sure, I've loved discovering new places, meeting new people, being able to drive down the street on a Tuesday and see one of my favorite bands play, taking my exit off the freeway and seeing a huge city skyline smiling back at me, all of those things, too. But, mostly the answer I gave him. 

It's not that I don't know amazing people or miss them always, it's just that sometimes it's really difficult to evolve or allow yourself to be a little different or who you feel you really are when you're surrounded by people who have always "known" you. I didn't realize that's why I was struggling in Shreveport until I had the opportunity to just show up to people who don't know anything about me except for what I've shown them. And, it hasn't been a reinvented or edited version of myself, I've kept it real and it has been so freeing. 

It's a powerful place to be and I was the only one who was really holding myself back from being here. I've put so much pressure on myself to be so many things but myself that at times I've myself. In rediscovering who I really am, I've found that that's all I ever really needed to be. 

I turned 30 a few months ago and I was so ready to turn that corner. It felt like I earned a badge of honor to have made it through my 20s. I spent the eve of my new decade surrounded by some of the most important people from that time. I may have been a little scared to wake up the next day and be hit with a ton of "what am I doing with my life?" thoughts, but I didn't. I woke up next to one of those friends and walked downstairs to another. Nothing had changed and I didn't need it to. 

As I said good byes and headed back to my city, one of those friends said "I love how you bring people together." It's probably the best and biggest compliment I've been given in a long time. A few weeks earlier I said goodbye to a friend I made in my early 20s and as I reminisced with other old friends I realized I may never have known them if it weren't for him. Because he brought people together. 

In this last year of my 20s, in a new city, feeling my new found freedom to just be me and being brought back to life by not knowing anyone, if I learned anything through the losses and distance- it's that people are the most important. And my people have been there a long time and probably have always liked the real, unedited version the best anyway. So, I'll keep on being her wherever I go.