clear eyes

A few weeks ago I noticed my vision was a little off. I thought something was wrong with my iPhone screen. Maybe I wasn't wearing my glasses enough. Not getting enough sleep? Allergies? It was none of those things. It became potential for big, scary things and I was urged to actually seek legitimate help in figuring out what was going on. 

Turns out, it's fine. Or, it will be. It's another thing I've done to myself brought on by stress. 

What's interesting about that diagnosis, is that I haven't really felt stress lately. Not at levels I've experienced in the past. I had been managing things much better and have had a significantly healthier work/life balance than I've probably ever achieved. There were and are still things on that list that is almost always there of things I know I should start doing or taking better care of, but I was getting to them. 

But, also, I met someone. I met someone who was really challenging and kind and caring and who was making me start to feel things I hadn't felt in a long time. It was open and honest and refreshing. It was scary, too. While I have been opening myself up, this was the true test of my willingness to be vulnerable and, while he was patient, he was also assuring that he would be respectful of the process for me as I began to peel back layers and let him in. 

Until it was his turn to be vulnerable. And he shut down. You don't get to do that. 

This morning I woke up and I did my eye test I've come accustomed to doing where I check the vision in each eye (my left one is the problem) and see if there's been improvement. This morning it was the clearest it's been in those weeks. Actually everything kind of was. I was mad because I feared that my instincts would kick in and say "told you so! Told you we didn't want to put that guard down, but you made us and look what happened." And, OK, they did. But, I haven't started making a list of reinforcement supplies to make that wall stronger and more difficult, I kind of just want to keep it down for a minute. Let some air breeze through and finish clearing out what remains. I'm not mad that any of it happened. I'm not going to beat myself up over it, but I am glad that I'm seeing more clearly now. 

I'm seeing that with each new experience I have, I learn something new about myself. I'm learning what my non-negotiables are (and also aren't). I'm realizing what I deserve (and what I don't). Figuring out what needs to be communicated (and what shouldn't have to be). You can't really learn these things without letting your guard down and maybe even when your vision is crystal clear. It will be. Eventually.