take these rings.

15 years ago, I remember buying "Return of Saturn" by No Doubt, for some reason vividly. I was 14 years old and Gwen Stefani had already solidified herself as the coolest girl ever in my book. At that time, she flaunted braces like a fashionable accessory and had bright pink hair. That album was quite a departure for No Doubt at that time and that still holds true just as it's still my favorite of the band then and now. 

It turns out, it didn't really make sense for a reason. That album was named after an astrological occurrence that is essentially a right of passage in to adulthood. It's a series of tests and challenges a person faces in the last gasps of your twenties as Saturn returns to the exact place it was in at the time you were born. (Just google it, ok?) Now, I don't know what I believe about astrology and all of the intricacies that come along with it. I do know that I love it when my horoscope is dead on and, sometimes, hold out for hope when it says some things I'm feeling a little helpless about. The Saturn Return was one of those things. It usually hits you around 27-29 (Gwen was 30 when that album came out FYI) and it is a very what-does-it-all-mean moment. Apparently, Saturn was all up in my shit from October 2012- December 2014 and she, basically, forced me to face a lot of things I hadn't dealt with. But, also, I think that comes with late 20s-staring-30-in-the-face territory. But, if I can blame Saturn, I'm gonna. 

During that time, I took control of a lot of things in my life I never felt I had control of. I was actually happier than I had been in a long time. I started questioning where I was at in my life and where I needed to go. I realized I needed a big change (I moved in September of 2014 btw). I questioned a lot of things and got a lot of answers-the good and bad ones. The end was very rocky. (I moved in September btw) I was really, really challenged and tested and I doubted and feared more than I had in a long time, possibly maybe ever. 

Once she got out of my way, a lot of things did become clearer. I started doing a lot of things I was too scared to do before. I learned a lot in that two year span and I was confident through those lessons. I was ready to learn more. 

Almost 10 years ago, another life changing album came out. The Yeah Yeah Yeahs "Show Your Bones." It hit me like a ton of bricks at a time I was already in pieces. I was 21 and had just experienced the ugliness that is first love lost. Karen O was 28. Just like "Return of Saturn," that album was kind of a time out for the band. Totally different stylistically, lyrically and so real. 

When I look at my friends lives, I can see that happening for them, too. There was most definitely a dark period the last couple of years, but everyone kind of quietly fought through it and all of the sudden are doing some really amazing things like creating really good music, going after their careers with passion, making big decisions about life and love, making babies and being really good at the whole parenting thing. It's been really inspiring to watch it all unfold. Everyone's waking up and living and doing it well.  Welcome to adulthood everyone. We made it. I still haven't decided if I should genuinely or sarcastically thank Saturn here. Maybe a little of both? 

So, apparently, Saturn is checking in on me again. Remember how I said I sometimes check in on my horoscope for hope? Well, some of those uneasy feelings have crept back in. I feel like I'm failing at absolutely everything. There's like a slow crumble of things happening around me literally right after things started lining up pretty well. Sleepless nights. Stress zits. Dark circles ("the magic's in the makeup, right?). She's only supposed to hang out with me a couple of months this time. Kind of like a check up to make sure I've really got my shit together. Right now, I don't feel like I'm passing the test and she's all like "girl, you already took it. Get it together and just answer the questions."

There's a part of me that's excited for the challenge. When that two year period ended, I felt relief and power in my life again. I do believe that challenges and set backs are always there for a test of will and all of this Saturn business is really no different. However, I should be facing them differently. I should be a little more strategic after a little more experience. Currently, I'm going back to my old ways, but I'm realizing a lot quicker that they don't work. Trying something different can be scary. But, isn't everything worth doing a little scary at first? 

I'm really coming to terms with the fact that I'll be moving into a new decade in just a few months (ok, 5). I'm making a mental list of things I haven't done and want to before I turn 30. It's coming together nicely and I'm excited to send off my 20s in a really powerful way. (It just so happens that I'll be flying to New York the day Saturn leaves me and won't be returning for another almost 30 years.)

For now, I'll get back to the test and I know I'll pass it. Gwen and Karen were really good teachers. On my better days, I feel like a bad ass ( thank God I got braces out of the way first), some days, even when I feel small, I feel like a warrior.  Whether it's really Saturn or just life, I don't know. Does it matter? Let's do this shit, ok?

the zone.

I've mentioned my comfort zone, bubble, nest, lair, etc. a lot. I get trapped in it often. I've gotten out of it a lot more recently, you probably know the story by now. 

But, what you may not know, is that a friend told me I am "the comfort zone" for dudes, too. When she said it, I did what most people do when you're told a truth about yourself you didn't realize- try to deny it, but it lasted about 5 seconds as I could not find a single reason it wasn't true. 

I'm the girl that's there in-between girls. It's happened so many times the last few years it's uncomfortable. I'm the one they text message about anything and everything. I'm down to hang out. I'll go to lunch, happy hour, late night and an assortment of events. We'll have a really good time and it'll be so easy. We're just friends. I'm a "cool" girl. It's comfortable. 

I'll wonder if it means something more even when I know it's not. I'll spiral. He'll let me. I answer. I show up. 

And, then the new girl shows up. And I slow fade into nothingness. And I'll have all the answers. 

Except this one: Why?

Why do you want me around when no one else is, but as soon as she shows up- no more? I have plenty of guy friends. Lots of them. I'm still the cool girl to them, only I can be the cool girl around their girlfriends, too. I know boundaries. Respect relationships. I understand scales tip and space is needed. I'll be friends with her- especially if she's cool. 

But, when I go from being "the comfort zone" to "no zone" I feel like you're telling me I wasn't crazy for those questions and that spiral. 

This is not a rant. I'm not mad about it. I built the comfort zones, both of them, this one I had a little bit of help with. For me, it comes from a genuine desire to reconnect or just connect in genral and I feel that's true on the other side, too. It's just the fact that our story begins with an ending for them and ends with a beginning for them. And, it's a series. 

I like that I'm someone people feel like "home" around. A safe place. Or whatever it is that draws them here. I think that quality will be something that a really great relationship builds from. I don't need over-the-top. It freaks me out. You don't have to wine and dine me. Though I like to do both. I like being the first and last person you talk to. I like just hanging out. I like adventurous nights out. I love cozy nights in. I like being available. Because I often feel unavailable due to an irregular work schedule. I won't act like I need you, but I want to need you. I like to be comfortable, too. 

The thing is, I'm not comfortable with the "comfort zone" anymore. (Either one, really.) I find myself holding back and feeling kind of trapped. I don't ask questions I want to know the answers to. I get them eventually, usually non-verbally (sometimes literally that way), but why do I sit and wait and allow for that shot to be called? I wonder what this or that means because typically those things mean more, but we allow them not to. I allow them not to. 

Is it because I'm too comfortable? Because I don't ask for the things I want or need? I'm fiercely loyal. I'm there when I need to be and want to be. I'm passionate about the the things I care about and that includes people. 

History does repeat itself. I hate when a really good book is over and hope that there's more to the story to come. I guess I just need to work more on making sure we're on the same page and if we're not- it's time to do some editing. 

We're about to get really uncomfortable, y'all. 

it's time.

I'm 29.

That number feels like so many things. At first, old. Not like it's all downhill from here old. Just like...damn, I've got a solid chunk of life behind me old. The milestones that are so easily measurable are mostly behind me. There is a ticking that I start to hear when I think of the few benchmarks left on the path and an anxiousness that does often wash over me as I wonder when I'll pass them, too. Those aren't as easy to measure. There isn't a specific age a person gets married or has children or reaches the top of their career (even though it kind of feels like it sometimes). 

Those same things also make me feel young. There's so much life left to live. So many more things to see and do and be. I feel a sense of urgency from this. Not necessarily that time is running out, but that I've got to get out and see and do and become. 

That's kind of the scary part of late 20s-early 30s. We just finished all of these things that we were supposed to do and we often finished them on the timeline we were supposed to and then what? The guide rails come off. The knot comes loose. You just find your way? By yourself? Ok. 

I've been living my life a little differently recently. Opening myself up to new people and things and thoughts and influences. I'm learning a lot. It's good. Great really. Scary sometimes. Uncomfortable often. 

Recently when I've started feeling that anxiousness from the ticking and my restless leg gets going, I've felt a different space of time closing. The window could be closing on the time that I have when I can really make decisions for myself with little to no impact on others. I can go and do and be whoever and whatever I want without turning someone else upside down with my movements and decisions. I don't know for sure, but it could be.  

I've been watching Anthony Bourdain travel the world the last few days. He beautifully and honestly (sometimes heartbreakingly) captures every place he visits through the people the place and, of course, the food. It's left me hungry. For the world. For these experiences. For a bigger life. There's so much left to see. Why am I not trying to see it? When will I stop living vicariously through others from the comfort of my own little nest? When do the excuses run out? This, too, makes me feel old and young at the same time. So much life left to live and yet I'm choosing to not live it? 

There's real people influencing this, too. First, my one-year-old nephew. He's got half a heart, but he doesn't know that. He lives joyously. It kind of scares me. He's experiences bigger challenges and more pain than I ever have and is the wiser of us both. Even though he can't communicate like I'm able to, he seems to have figured out that the worst is mostly behind him and he's going to live for today. And happily. We were told before we even met him that his timeline is uncertain. It feels like a curse, but maybe in many ways it's more of a blessing. No one is promised a certain amount of time, but it's how we live in the time we do have, which is now, that is the most important. 

Another is a customer who comes in my store weekly. She comes in with a beaming smile and a laugh that makes my day. She's bound by a wheelchair and muscles that just don't seem to let her live freely and yet she does. She makes jokes and we pick out her favorites for herself and gifts for other people. We make sure not to choose fragrances that are too similar for her father and her boyfriend because that's weird. We have fun. The first time this happened, I wasn't feeling so good about the life I was leading. I was constantly counting the things that my life was missing and feeling kind of hopeless about it all. I was just doing my job that day. After she left, I had to choke back tears. Not because I felt sorry for her, but for myself. And, I was angry. Here she was full of life and she's been given a fraction of the ability to live it that I have. Shame on me. 

The other one is someone who is challenging me intellectually and often emotionally and has kind of woken me up to how asleep I've been. I haven't been paying attention to things that matter . I haven't been learning new things outside of myself. We have a lot of the same interests and thoughts about many things. It just feels like I put a check next to them and moved on and he's continued digging deep and finding new levels of understanding. His check marks are made of pencil. I listen to him talk about things with genuine interest as sparks start to go off in my brain. It's like seeing the sunlight through your eyelids in the morning. I want to care about bigger things. And learn new things. Change my mind and open it up, too. Why did I stop? I used to be a seeker of knowledge, of new truths, beliefs and ideas. I don't know what it all means. I don't know if I ever will. But, I could try a little harder to figure it out. 

I've got time. I don't know how much. I've been given 29 years. Approximately 11,000 days, yall. I've wasted a good many of them. I had time yesterday and I've got it today. So, while I may not be getting any younger, I'm still young in so many other ways. And, you know, it's time that I become many things, but let's just start with growing a little older and start doing some real shit. 

I'm 29, after all. 

don't worry.

"There's blood in my mouth 'cause I've been biting my tongue all week."

There was a period of time when I felt I was entitled to share my thoughts and opinions on everyone and everything. It wasn't always nice. It was always coming from a good place. It could've been executed a little bit better. 

It was so easy for me to just say it because it couldn't really hurt me. I realized after I put it out there, it may have stung a little (or a lot). The truth doesn't always have to hurt, but it doesn't make it easier to hear it or ask for it for that matter. Asking for it? That can be scary. 

I've shut up since then. 

So, yeah, I've been opening up. Working on that vulnerability. Navigating some uncharted waters. Got a little bit of a blind fold thing going on. I'm getting a little scared, y'all. 

There are questions and thoughts churning in my brain that I both want and don't want to know the answers to. I can turn it off, be in the moment, live a little. But, when the silence comes, they come back. 

I guess I'm not as open or vulnerable as I thought I was. I've gotten a little too good at the "oh, it's cool" vibe even when maybe it's really not. Maybe I'm freaking out a little? It is cool, but it would be a lot cooler if it was a little clearer. I'm realizing that can make it complicated for anyone who may want to help out with the navigation process. 

We should be careful for what we ask for, but maybe we should ask for it anyway?

Maybe I want to split myself wide open and let it all pour out. There's so many things I want to say and feel and experience and live. So many. Maybe I just need someone to start the incision just a little? There may be a little scar tissue I need help getting through, but I promise I'll do the rest. I want to. 

That spot where that faded scar came from was a powerful time. Is there anything scarier or crazier or more exhilarating than falling in love for the first time? I think it's the moment we really start living. We experience all of these magical things everyone talks, writes, sings so much about, but you're let in on the secret that it really is indescribable. You don't know how you lived without it. You never want to live without it again. There's a reason we never forget it, but what I'm wondering is, do we ever allow ourselves to fall that hard again? Why when that rush starts to creep in, do we immediately look down when we didnt before? "This is going to hurt" we tell ourselves. We strategize before we even start slipping on what we can do to break the fall, land softer. We already know it's going to hurt so maybe we can make it hurt less. Or maybe even we just stop ourselves entirely and cling to that cliff, pull ourselves out of it, shake it off, and run. That's the truth. And, that kind of hurts. 

Right now, I've got this blind fold on. It's loose. I'll take it off. Easily. I can feel the edge. It's not as scary as it used to be. It's going to hurt, but I'll worry about that later. I don't want to look down yet. You don't have to push me or catch me, but it'd be a whole lot cooler if you did.