But, what you may not know, is that a friend told me I am "the comfort zone" for dudes, too. When she said it, I did what most people do when you're told a truth about yourself you didn't realize- try to deny it, but it lasted about 5 seconds as I could not find a single reason it wasn't true.
I'm the girl that's there in-between girls. It's happened so many times the last few years it's uncomfortable. I'm the one they text message about anything and everything. I'm down to hang out. I'll go to lunch, happy hour, late night and an assortment of events. We'll have a really good time and it'll be so easy. We're just friends. I'm a "cool" girl. It's comfortable.
I'll wonder if it means something more even when I know it's not. I'll spiral. He'll let me. I answer. I show up.
And, then the new girl shows up. And I slow fade into nothingness. And I'll have all the answers.
Except this one: Why?
Why do you want me around when no one else is, but as soon as she shows up- no more? I have plenty of guy friends. Lots of them. I'm still the cool girl to them, only I can be the cool girl around their girlfriends, too. I know boundaries. Respect relationships. I understand scales tip and space is needed. I'll be friends with her- especially if she's cool.
But, when I go from being "the comfort zone" to "no zone" I feel like you're telling me I wasn't crazy for those questions and that spiral.
This is not a rant. I'm not mad about it. I built the comfort zones, both of them, this one I had a little bit of help with. For me, it comes from a genuine desire to reconnect or just connect in genral and I feel that's true on the other side, too. It's just the fact that our story begins with an ending for them and ends with a beginning for them. And, it's a series.
I like that I'm someone people feel like "home" around. A safe place. Or whatever it is that draws them here. I think that quality will be something that a really great relationship builds from. I don't need over-the-top. It freaks me out. You don't have to wine and dine me. Though I like to do both. I like being the first and last person you talk to. I like just hanging out. I like adventurous nights out. I love cozy nights in. I like being available. Because I often feel unavailable due to an irregular work schedule. I won't act like I need you, but I want to need you. I like to be comfortable, too.
The thing is, I'm not comfortable with the "comfort zone" anymore. (Either one, really.) I find myself holding back and feeling kind of trapped. I don't ask questions I want to know the answers to. I get them eventually, usually non-verbally (sometimes literally that way), but why do I sit and wait and allow for that shot to be called? I wonder what this or that means because typically those things mean more, but we allow them not to. I allow them not to.
Is it because I'm too comfortable? Because I don't ask for the things I want or need? I'm fiercely loyal. I'm there when I need to be and want to be. I'm passionate about the the things I care about and that includes people.
History does repeat itself. I hate when a really good book is over and hope that there's more to the story to come. I guess I just need to work more on making sure we're on the same page and if we're not- it's time to do some editing.
We're about to get really uncomfortable, y'all.
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