It turns out, it didn't really make sense for a reason. That album was named after an astrological occurrence that is essentially a right of passage in to adulthood. It's a series of tests and challenges a person faces in the last gasps of your twenties as Saturn returns to the exact place it was in at the time you were born. (Just google it, ok?) Now, I don't know what I believe about astrology and all of the intricacies that come along with it. I do know that I love it when my horoscope is dead on and, sometimes, hold out for hope when it says some things I'm feeling a little helpless about. The Saturn Return was one of those things. It usually hits you around 27-29 (Gwen was 30 when that album came out FYI) and it is a very what-does-it-all-mean moment. Apparently, Saturn was all up in my shit from October 2012- December 2014 and she, basically, forced me to face a lot of things I hadn't dealt with. But, also, I think that comes with late 20s-staring-30-in-the-face territory. But, if I can blame Saturn, I'm gonna.
During that time, I took control of a lot of things in my life I never felt I had control of. I was actually happier than I had been in a long time. I started questioning where I was at in my life and where I needed to go. I realized I needed a big change (I moved in September of 2014 btw). I questioned a lot of things and got a lot of answers-the good and bad ones. The end was very rocky. (I moved in September btw) I was really, really challenged and tested and I doubted and feared more than I had in a long time, possibly maybe ever.
Once she got out of my way, a lot of things did become clearer. I started doing a lot of things I was too scared to do before. I learned a lot in that two year span and I was confident through those lessons. I was ready to learn more.
Almost 10 years ago, another life changing album came out. The Yeah Yeah Yeahs "Show Your Bones." It hit me like a ton of bricks at a time I was already in pieces. I was 21 and had just experienced the ugliness that is first love lost. Karen O was 28. Just like "Return of Saturn," that album was kind of a time out for the band. Totally different stylistically, lyrically and so real.
When I look at my friends lives, I can see that happening for them, too. There was most definitely a dark period the last couple of years, but everyone kind of quietly fought through it and all of the sudden are doing some really amazing things like creating really good music, going after their careers with passion, making big decisions about life and love, making babies and being really good at the whole parenting thing. It's been really inspiring to watch it all unfold. Everyone's waking up and living and doing it well. Welcome to adulthood everyone. We made it. I still haven't decided if I should genuinely or sarcastically thank Saturn here. Maybe a little of both?
So, apparently, Saturn is checking in on me again. Remember how I said I sometimes check in on my horoscope for hope? Well, some of those uneasy feelings have crept back in. I feel like I'm failing at absolutely everything. There's like a slow crumble of things happening around me literally right after things started lining up pretty well. Sleepless nights. Stress zits. Dark circles ("the magic's in the makeup, right?). She's only supposed to hang out with me a couple of months this time. Kind of like a check up to make sure I've really got my shit together. Right now, I don't feel like I'm passing the test and she's all like "girl, you already took it. Get it together and just answer the questions."
There's a part of me that's excited for the challenge. When that two year period ended, I felt relief and power in my life again. I do believe that challenges and set backs are always there for a test of will and all of this Saturn business is really no different. However, I should be facing them differently. I should be a little more strategic after a little more experience. Currently, I'm going back to my old ways, but I'm realizing a lot quicker that they don't work. Trying something different can be scary. But, isn't everything worth doing a little scary at first?
I'm really coming to terms with the fact that I'll be moving into a new decade in just a few months (ok, 5). I'm making a mental list of things I haven't done and want to before I turn 30. It's coming together nicely and I'm excited to send off my 20s in a really powerful way. (It just so happens that I'll be flying to New York the day Saturn leaves me and won't be returning for another almost 30 years.)
For now, I'll get back to the test and I know I'll pass it. Gwen and Karen were really good teachers. On my better days, I feel like a bad ass ( thank God I got braces out of the way first), some days, even when I feel small, I feel like a warrior. Whether it's really Saturn or just life, I don't know. Does it matter? Let's do this shit, ok?
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