There was a period of time when I felt I was entitled to share my thoughts and opinions on everyone and everything. It wasn't always nice. It was always coming from a good place. It could've been executed a little bit better.
It was so easy for me to just say it because it couldn't really hurt me. I realized after I put it out there, it may have stung a little (or a lot). The truth doesn't always have to hurt, but it doesn't make it easier to hear it or ask for it for that matter. Asking for it? That can be scary.
I've shut up since then.
So, yeah, I've been opening up. Working on that vulnerability. Navigating some uncharted waters. Got a little bit of a blind fold thing going on. I'm getting a little scared, y'all.
There are questions and thoughts churning in my brain that I both want and don't want to know the answers to. I can turn it off, be in the moment, live a little. But, when the silence comes, they come back.
I guess I'm not as open or vulnerable as I thought I was. I've gotten a little too good at the "oh, it's cool" vibe even when maybe it's really not. Maybe I'm freaking out a little? It is cool, but it would be a lot cooler if it was a little clearer. I'm realizing that can make it complicated for anyone who may want to help out with the navigation process.
We should be careful for what we ask for, but maybe we should ask for it anyway?
Maybe I want to split myself wide open and let it all pour out. There's so many things I want to say and feel and experience and live. So many. Maybe I just need someone to start the incision just a little? There may be a little scar tissue I need help getting through, but I promise I'll do the rest. I want to.
That spot where that faded scar came from was a powerful time. Is there anything scarier or crazier or more exhilarating than falling in love for the first time? I think it's the moment we really start living. We experience all of these magical things everyone talks, writes, sings so much about, but you're let in on the secret that it really is indescribable. You don't know how you lived without it. You never want to live without it again. There's a reason we never forget it, but what I'm wondering is, do we ever allow ourselves to fall that hard again? Why when that rush starts to creep in, do we immediately look down when we didnt before? "This is going to hurt" we tell ourselves. We strategize before we even start slipping on what we can do to break the fall, land softer. We already know it's going to hurt so maybe we can make it hurt less. Or maybe even we just stop ourselves entirely and cling to that cliff, pull ourselves out of it, shake it off, and run. That's the truth. And, that kind of hurts.
Right now, I've got this blind fold on. It's loose. I'll take it off. Easily. I can feel the edge. It's not as scary as it used to be. It's going to hurt, but I'll worry about that later. I don't want to look down yet. You don't have to push me or catch me, but it'd be a whole lot cooler if you did.
No comments:
Post a Comment