That number feels like so many things. At first, old. Not like it's all downhill from here old. Just like...damn, I've got a solid chunk of life behind me old. The milestones that are so easily measurable are mostly behind me. There is a ticking that I start to hear when I think of the few benchmarks left on the path and an anxiousness that does often wash over me as I wonder when I'll pass them, too. Those aren't as easy to measure. There isn't a specific age a person gets married or has children or reaches the top of their career (even though it kind of feels like it sometimes).
Those same things also make me feel young. There's so much life left to live. So many more things to see and do and be. I feel a sense of urgency from this. Not necessarily that time is running out, but that I've got to get out and see and do and become.
That's kind of the scary part of late 20s-early 30s. We just finished all of these things that we were supposed to do and we often finished them on the timeline we were supposed to and then what? The guide rails come off. The knot comes loose. You just find your way? By yourself? Ok.
I've been living my life a little differently recently. Opening myself up to new people and things and thoughts and influences. I'm learning a lot. It's good. Great really. Scary sometimes. Uncomfortable often.
Recently when I've started feeling that anxiousness from the ticking and my restless leg gets going, I've felt a different space of time closing. The window could be closing on the time that I have when I can really make decisions for myself with little to no impact on others. I can go and do and be whoever and whatever I want without turning someone else upside down with my movements and decisions. I don't know for sure, but it could be.
I've been watching Anthony Bourdain travel the world the last few days. He beautifully and honestly (sometimes heartbreakingly) captures every place he visits through the people the place and, of course, the food. It's left me hungry. For the world. For these experiences. For a bigger life. There's so much left to see. Why am I not trying to see it? When will I stop living vicariously through others from the comfort of my own little nest? When do the excuses run out? This, too, makes me feel old and young at the same time. So much life left to live and yet I'm choosing to not live it?
There's real people influencing this, too. First, my one-year-old nephew. He's got half a heart, but he doesn't know that. He lives joyously. It kind of scares me. He's experiences bigger challenges and more pain than I ever have and is the wiser of us both. Even though he can't communicate like I'm able to, he seems to have figured out that the worst is mostly behind him and he's going to live for today. And happily. We were told before we even met him that his timeline is uncertain. It feels like a curse, but maybe in many ways it's more of a blessing. No one is promised a certain amount of time, but it's how we live in the time we do have, which is now, that is the most important.
Another is a customer who comes in my store weekly. She comes in with a beaming smile and a laugh that makes my day. She's bound by a wheelchair and muscles that just don't seem to let her live freely and yet she does. She makes jokes and we pick out her favorites for herself and gifts for other people. We make sure not to choose fragrances that are too similar for her father and her boyfriend because that's weird. We have fun. The first time this happened, I wasn't feeling so good about the life I was leading. I was constantly counting the things that my life was missing and feeling kind of hopeless about it all. I was just doing my job that day. After she left, I had to choke back tears. Not because I felt sorry for her, but for myself. And, I was angry. Here she was full of life and she's been given a fraction of the ability to live it that I have. Shame on me.
The other one is someone who is challenging me intellectually and often emotionally and has kind of woken me up to how asleep I've been. I haven't been paying attention to things that matter . I haven't been learning new things outside of myself. We have a lot of the same interests and thoughts about many things. It just feels like I put a check next to them and moved on and he's continued digging deep and finding new levels of understanding. His check marks are made of pencil. I listen to him talk about things with genuine interest as sparks start to go off in my brain. It's like seeing the sunlight through your eyelids in the morning. I want to care about bigger things. And learn new things. Change my mind and open it up, too. Why did I stop? I used to be a seeker of knowledge, of new truths, beliefs and ideas. I don't know what it all means. I don't know if I ever will. But, I could try a little harder to figure it out.
I've got time. I don't know how much. I've been given 29 years. Approximately 11,000 days, yall. I've wasted a good many of them. I had time yesterday and I've got it today. So, while I may not be getting any younger, I'm still young in so many other ways. And, you know, it's time that I become many things, but let's just start with growing a little older and start doing some real shit.
I'm 29, after all.
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