call of forgiveness

I backed myself into no one's land. Shut every one out. Slammed the door, closed the curtains. There's no getting in and I'm pretending I'm not home.
Until recently.
Until recently, I allowed myself to believe that the most important people in my life didn't really care all that much about little ol' me. But, that's just a symptom of my own little turmoil because when I reached they were there. As much as they could be.
I have had a few powerful conversations lately. Allowed myself to be honest and opened that door up a little bit. I've learned a lot and let go of a ton.
One of those, was about forgiveness. What it really looks like, what it really means, but mostly, allowing myself to do it. She basically told me it's all or nothing. Wipe the slate clean. If you can't forgive and allow someone to change, there's no point. It's not fair.
And that goes both ways, for me, anyway. I have been so mad at myself for so many things. Constantly beating myself up over everything. Not giving myself a chance, much less the people in my life. It has been so easy for me to sit back and tell you what's fucked up about everything about you, but never getting the finger pointed back at me. How unfair. Though, if you really know me, that finger on my other hand is always aimed at myself.
I feel like I've been so stagnant. No growth. Forward motion. No pride. No hope. But I have dealt with some shit and, suddenly, burdens I've been carrying for years are being lifted. One by one. Some heavier than others, none any less important. And as I forgive you, I'm forgiving myself. Remembering. Reliving. Not really re-hashing. Accepting?
I don't know. It feels good. It feels like hope, waking up, breathing again, feeling again. I want to make plans and stick to them. I want to believe in you and myself. I want to love fearlessly. I want to have insatiable desires to be so much better.
I want. I need. I feel. I forgive.
you.
me.

go watch this. "dear zachary: a letter to a son about his father."
for andrew, zachary, kate, david and yourself.
people are incredible. courageous. amazing. inspiring.

grass is always greener.

There are not many people you meet, much less are a part of your every day life who will do anything for you without even a request. People who want to take care of you and give what they are able to give and consistently. It is a humbling experience when you do.
It is so easy, especially for me, to get so wrapped up, no, obsessed, with all the tally marks in the terrible column and to forget to mark the ones that go in the absolutely wonderful one. And those can most often out mark the aforementioned.
I wallow in the not-so-good. It's how I got to this place. But, if I allowed myself to really look around I'm surrounded by so, so many gifts. To a point that I also feel so, so undeserving.
And that right there, my friends, is the bottom line.
I once told someone long, long ago that I was content with things the way they were. She told me that was a shame. Being content is not living. I don't really agree with that entirely (and honestly was pissed when she said it), and the things that were being discussed at the time all went bad and are no longer pieces of my now life, but maybe what she really meant was that instead of just letting things be "okay," you make things the best you can.
The root of all this, if I really dig deep enough, is I have to believe that I deserve the best, and, I don't. I settle for content, okay, can't complain and that has gotten me to a really uncomfortable, unhappy place at the end of the day.
But, at the end of the day, a not-so-good day, I sat and cried because of how humbled I am by the good. And it felt so fucking good. I might not have the best of everything, but I'm starting to make a pretty good list. Lots of tallies. Whole nine.

something ain't right

I woke up this morning and my first thought was "since when did 'What-does-it-all-mean-Sunday' fall on a Tuesday?" And then I realized that it's been a What-does-it-all-mean-coupleayears. And I know you can relate. I've got to fight back. I've got to remember that it's all worth it. I don't know what I'm fighting for. I haven't come to grips with my reality that I don't know what the future looks like anymore. Everything's changing. I don't know if it's for the better. I have to hope so. That's all I got.
God, the future used to be so excitingly scary and now all I see are glimpses of the same day every day over and over and over again.
I'm a fighter. I always have been. I trust my gut, my heart and I go after it. Usually quietly, but I conquer the mountain nonetheless. But now, it takes everything I've got to get out of bed and make a cup of coffee to face the world.
I live so many different lives and none of them feel right because something's not right. I feel like in every situation I'm just faking it until I can go home and just deal with myself, but even that seems fake now. I'm not lying to everyone else though, just to myself.
My coffee cup's empty, now it's time to face the world in another day that is so much like yesterday. But I have never agreed to fake it til I make it so that stops now.

"They heard me singing and they told me to stop
Quit these pretentious things and just punch the clock
These days my life, I feel it has no purpose
But late at night the feelings swim to the surface."