I'm a very nostalgic person in general. I like listening to music that takes me back to a very specific moment or time and reliving it. I love laughing until it hurts as stories are retold. But, those moments that you slam into- those are the best.
I've had a few of them lately.
I just got back from a trip for work where they honor the top performers in my company. It's pretty amazing that I've been invited on that trip two years in a row. There's a ceremony where you get up in front of everyone and they announce why you're awesome. I don't know what reasons they justified for my presence there. All I know is my heart stopped when I heard the loudest cheer when my name was called and then everything stopped as the movie of the last year of my life played. And, I smiled as time came back to the present.
Last year, I was shy and overwhelmed to be surrounded by all of these people who have inspired me and I felt humbled. Too humbled. Like I didn't belong. This year, they knew me in a genuine way and I was part of the fold.
It was a tough year. That's no secret. I've struggled in ways I hadn't in a long time. My confidence was shaken. I lost my way as I pushed myself forward on a really uncertain path.
I've met a lot of people on the way to today, but there was only one who stayed constantly behind me as she nudged me forward and occasionally guided me when I couldn't see anything in front of me.
I gave her a hug and thanked her for the last year. For her push and support. She apparently watched the same movie I did as I walked across that stage and a tear started to form in her eye as she expressed pride in my transformation. "And, by the way," she said. "You look amazing. You look better than I've ever seen you. More confident. Happy."
And, she's right. It's amazing what happiness can do. No diet or skincare regimen can do what happiness can do for a person. It brings lightness and glowing light. The calm spot inside of a storm that's still brewing.
I don't exactly welcome depression or struggle, but I've had enough bouts with it to know it is kind of necessary. A sign that something's just not right and it's time to figure it out. There's always time to wallow in it, but at some point you've got to come out from your hiding spot and fight your way to home base. There's that vulnerability again as you're totally exposed. You have to spend some time in the dark to truly be able to see the light.
By no means is everything in my life exactly how I want it to be. I don't know that I ever want that for myself. I want to constantly evolve. I want to always want better. That was the promise I made to myself this year. That I was just going to focus on being better. Every day. In whatever way I could. Some days have been better than others, but they've all gotten me here.
That same night I was asked what I thought got me there and I just said without pause "I never gave up." I think she was looking for a more tactical response, but that's the right answer.
In my college bedroom, I had a song lyric written on my window:
"Despair could ravage you if you turn your head around
to look down the path that's lead you here, cause what can you change?
You're a vessel now floating down the waterways.
You can take your rudder and aim your ship,
just don't bother with the things left in your wake.
And you walk across the stage, take a bow, hear the applause,
and as the curtain falls, just know you did it all
the best that you knew how and you can hear them cheering now.
So let a smile out and show your teeth cause you know you lived it well."
That. That was 10 years ago. And, it's today. I'm doing it the best that I know how. I'm doing better. I'm doing well.
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