oh, she's open.

Vulnerability has been something I've been trying to figure out for a long time now. I've been told I'm too independent as if it's a bad thing (it's not). I did shut myself down though, for a while, which wasn't always a good thing. I'd start to open up a little and, most of the time, get a little burned. Back to lock down I'd go. 

But, here's the thing, that burn I was so damn scared of, has this ability to start a fire and it can ignite so many bigger things. 

I've taken some risks this year in pretty much every aspect of my life and, the best part is, it hasn't been scary. There have been burns and scrapes and bruises (there's always bruises), but they go away and I'm still here and always better for them even the ones that have left scars. Lessons learned and I keep the fire burning and move on. 

The thing is, when you're open, you're living. Letting all the good, the bad and the ugly in. But, the powerful part that I wasn't grasping is that I get to choose what stays and what goes. I choose to let all of it make me better. 

I want all of the things. I want a full life. I want to light fires. But the thing about fires is that it has to have air to breathe. It's a living thing. And it has to be done out in the open. 

I'm finding that the safest place to be is the one where you just put it all out there. Throw it all in and just let it happen. It takes courage and fearlessness and humbleness and the the first step to all of those things is, wait for it, vulnerability. 

My boss has been telling me for the last year if you're not uncomfortable something is wrong. The last time I saw her, I told her I've been very uncomfortable and she gave me a hug and told me how proud she was. That's just it. They don't call it growing pains for no reason. 

So, I'll stay out here. I'll keep opening windows and leave the door unlocked. Rubbing sticks together to keep the fire going. After all, when there's nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire, right?