band-aids

I have always said (well, not since I was like three or anything, but since I began proclaiming things I believe to be true) that people come in your life for a reason, serve a purpose and most times it's short-lived, rarely it's for always. I don't think that one is always more important than the other. Things you once may have thought would be small blips on the radar leave a huge, meteor-like mark on your personal landscape. I'm struggling with this. Always have. I think most people do...? Yeah?
I'm putting some of those things to rest though. Bandaging those wounds for the last time. Wearing others like a medal. Maybe one day I'll view them all that way.
I've held myself back. Held my tongue. Stunted my growth. Spent more time adding to a list of excuses of why I haven't been able to do that yet than if I would've just taken a shot I'd probably be feeling much better about things. None of those things remind me of the person I used to be, the person I was working really hard on becoming. The person I liked being. The person I know I am. I've written a bit about forgiveness here and there, remember? Forgiving you? Forgiving me? I think it's my lesson this year. It's the thing I'm supposed to get right. Start taking down these huge walls. They're so tall they're starting to lean. No one's getting in. Nope. No way.
I have been, in a word, numb. For a long, long time. And recently, I felt the faint fluttering of butterflies in my stomach for just a moment and I was pictured what could be coming. Chills go up and down my arms and end on the back of my neck as the perfect song I needed to hear found its way to me. One of favorites, cheek pain after laughing so hard. Closure's another good one, too. I have felt anger, betrayal, pits in my stomach, loss, loneliness, sometimes down-right hopelessness, but when they go away, I'm not mad at them for coming, it makes me feel a little bit more alive and reveals each and every time what's good and what's not. Lesson learned, moving on.
I have to stop holding back. Amazing things happen when you just let go. Put yourself out there. Go ahead and say it. And mean it. What have I got to lose really? So much has already come and gone. I have to stop mourning what once filled my life and see the vacancies as room for new, better (and even if it is just for right now) things.
Like, right now, I really like how long my hair is getting. It hasn't been this long since I remember seeing my shadow on the playground of my ponytail swinging behind me. I really like the people who are slowly finding their way into my life in ways I never would've thought at first glance. I like catching up with old friends. I like taking care of myself. I like having really good ideas and frantically searching for something to write them down on. I like opening this page up and just letting this shit spill out of me for the first time in months.