well....but...enough.

Taking the bull by the horns. Ball's in my court. Basically, taking control. I wait everything out. Wait for just the right time to make my move and what I realized the other day is, there may never be "just the right time." Duh? Right? I mean, it's just an excuse really. If I could count how many lists I've made of what I was going to accomplish by when whether it's today, this year, this week, this month, etc. and never once went back to it to scratch something off, I would probably be amazed with what I could've gotten done with the time I took making said list. No more. It's time. The sun may not be shining in just the right way to capture the perfect moment, but, shit, at this point, if it's pouring rain, I'm just going to have to get wet.
I'm learning a lot about myself through making a new friend. I appreciate that my bullshit is getting called out so quickly. Within a couple months to already hear someone say in frustration "you over analyze everything, just do it!," is a pretty big sign that I've got something to work on. At the same time, old friends are reminding me who I was before I lost myself and I'm beginning to think, I had a thing or two figured out (and still do if I allow myself to believe that) and I just need to dig through all the clutter I've put on top of it.
Root cause: trust. I wage this war between my gut, my heart and my head. Over everything. Which one is right? What do you think? But what if? When should I? BUT... ENOUGH. I don't trust myself and I've let a few spoiled things ruin everything. I used to trust that everyone has the best intentions, sometimes we just get sidetracked. That's not true. But, it should be true of the people I keep in my life and if someone doesn't, they don't belong cause they're ruining it for everyone else.
Big guns are coming out.
So, so ready. Hold me to it.

no lies, just love.

So, with the weekend off, I decided to approach things a little differently. No to-do list, no list of things I want to do either, just let it happen. I am. This morning I woke up at a rather early time for a Saturday that I would usually force myself to sleep through because I could, I made a stop to pick up some things and sat on my patio to decide what I wanted to do today. It's gorgeous outside. GORGEOUS. So, I'm gonna eat that up.
I came inside threw on some clothes and decided to go for a walk (what?!). Best decision I've made in weeks. Headphones in. Go. Shuffle, right? Of course.
We've talked about how my shuffle function speaks to me and this glorious morning stroll was no exception.
Basically, I learned a thing or two about meditation this morning. I restrained myself from skipping through the playlist that was created just for me in this moment and cleared my head. Birds flew and weeping willows danced to Sigur Ros. I came to peace with something in myself. I picked up my pace a little bit to the Walkmen. Let something else go. I soaked up the sun, the children playing with the tiniest puppy I have ever seen, the uneven sidewalk and just said it's going to be OK. Alright? Then, I was in sight of my block a song came on that I hadn't listened to in years. A cool breeze tossed my hair and a vivid memory came up of studying on a blanket in front of the Dudley dorms, beautiful day under the oak tree and this Bright Eyes song hitting me so hard it almost knocked my breath away and inspired my first column that ever appeared in The Tech Talk my freshman year (I had to come home and dig to find it, or course).

The Joy In Forgetting / The Joy In Acceptance

"So, you say there are spaces,
Open and wide.
Believe me there's days,
Longer than nights.
And you will be happy the minute you try...
But you don't try.
No you don't try.

And you speak of a fever,
That burns you inside.
As you explain to your mother,
How you wanted to die.
So she kisses your fingers,
Says "My Darling but why?
When there is so much more...
There is so much more..."

Do you know there are spaces,
Open and wide.
Oh believe me, there's days,
Longer than nights.
And you will be happy,
If only you'd try.
Oh won't you try,
Oh won't you try..."

I'm putting up a fight, y'all. New road every day. New song. Whatever it takes. Open heart, open mind. I've always kept my heart pretty open, but I can't hate anyone for taking advantage of that anymore.
Moving forward, yeah?

Oh, by the way, I had another one of those little nudges I was talking about, only this one brought me to tears in front of my boss, not because of just that little moment, but all of it, and I was so happy that I allow myself to hear those things now and believe them.

easy come, easy go.

Oh, it comes and it goes, doesn't it? Always?
I haven't had much to say to anyone of any real importance lately, much less write, but I want to write right now, so I'm gonna. Hang on.
Today began as most of my days do, hitting the snooze every time my alarm goes off, Kitty in my face sayin' "bitch, get up, do something!" and me soaking in every second I can afford of face buried in my pillow.
But, somehow, I rallied. I have not been as productive as I was today in months and I did cause I wanted to, not because I had to and I now realize that's all the difference. Simple things that I was supposed to, big things I've been needing to and small things just for me. I left work not feeling like I had run a marathon, but that I got shit done today. I came home, took a shower that felt like I was scrubbing off layers of dirt from a hard day's work, cooked the best dinner I have cooked in months for just me, posted up on the couch and relished in my accomplishments of just one day.
I'm really not trying to brag, and y'all know me, I'm never one to toot my own horn, but I'ma gonna wear this badge today, k?
I spend so much time beating the shit out of myself about this, that and everything and feel like I'm not making a difference in my life or anyone else's, but I've had a few simple nods from unexpected places that have just felt so good. Like, wow, you really did notice that? Awesome. Like my peers who have been on this block for way longer than I have saying, "Hey, girl, good job, whatcha doin'? Can you help me with this right quick?" Sure, I'd love to. My dad's best friend telling me how proud I should be of myself because "your dad's been telling me..." Really? Thanks, Dad. Or a singer of a band who used to sleep on my floor call me out in a crowd and say "hey, you were there 10 years ago and look, you still are." Yep, and I'll be there next time, too. And best friends saying, "remember that time when... it really was the best." Yeah? I think so, too.
Just little pokes right in the side, saying "hey, we see you, why don't you go ahead and give yourself that real quick. I won't tell."
The other night I was standing in a group of people on a cobble stone patio plagued with ups and downs from roots trying to get out from under for a breath and I began to lose my balance and someone behind me grabbed me by the waist and helped me find my footing. It sent this overwhelming wave of emotion through my body. This comfort of actually feeling someone support you. It was such a relief, such a comfort. So strange that it impacted me that much. But, that's really all it takes just a little help to stand on solid ground.
Now, I'm not even going to start to pretend that this is some huge revelation and I'm not going back to my old ways tomorrow, but I felt it really important to note what a different a day makes. What a difference getting a little something done makes. What a difference a small comment can make.
'Cause tomorrow I'll wake up with a million alarms and a little black kitty face, roll over, bury myself back under the covers and put my feet on the floor at the last possible second, but maybe, just maybe, I'll have steadier footing and try to count the small things.
I'll let you know how that goes...

call of forgiveness

I backed myself into no one's land. Shut every one out. Slammed the door, closed the curtains. There's no getting in and I'm pretending I'm not home.
Until recently.
Until recently, I allowed myself to believe that the most important people in my life didn't really care all that much about little ol' me. But, that's just a symptom of my own little turmoil because when I reached they were there. As much as they could be.
I have had a few powerful conversations lately. Allowed myself to be honest and opened that door up a little bit. I've learned a lot and let go of a ton.
One of those, was about forgiveness. What it really looks like, what it really means, but mostly, allowing myself to do it. She basically told me it's all or nothing. Wipe the slate clean. If you can't forgive and allow someone to change, there's no point. It's not fair.
And that goes both ways, for me, anyway. I have been so mad at myself for so many things. Constantly beating myself up over everything. Not giving myself a chance, much less the people in my life. It has been so easy for me to sit back and tell you what's fucked up about everything about you, but never getting the finger pointed back at me. How unfair. Though, if you really know me, that finger on my other hand is always aimed at myself.
I feel like I've been so stagnant. No growth. Forward motion. No pride. No hope. But I have dealt with some shit and, suddenly, burdens I've been carrying for years are being lifted. One by one. Some heavier than others, none any less important. And as I forgive you, I'm forgiving myself. Remembering. Reliving. Not really re-hashing. Accepting?
I don't know. It feels good. It feels like hope, waking up, breathing again, feeling again. I want to make plans and stick to them. I want to believe in you and myself. I want to love fearlessly. I want to have insatiable desires to be so much better.
I want. I need. I feel. I forgive.
you.
me.

go watch this. "dear zachary: a letter to a son about his father."
for andrew, zachary, kate, david and yourself.
people are incredible. courageous. amazing. inspiring.

grass is always greener.

There are not many people you meet, much less are a part of your every day life who will do anything for you without even a request. People who want to take care of you and give what they are able to give and consistently. It is a humbling experience when you do.
It is so easy, especially for me, to get so wrapped up, no, obsessed, with all the tally marks in the terrible column and to forget to mark the ones that go in the absolutely wonderful one. And those can most often out mark the aforementioned.
I wallow in the not-so-good. It's how I got to this place. But, if I allowed myself to really look around I'm surrounded by so, so many gifts. To a point that I also feel so, so undeserving.
And that right there, my friends, is the bottom line.
I once told someone long, long ago that I was content with things the way they were. She told me that was a shame. Being content is not living. I don't really agree with that entirely (and honestly was pissed when she said it), and the things that were being discussed at the time all went bad and are no longer pieces of my now life, but maybe what she really meant was that instead of just letting things be "okay," you make things the best you can.
The root of all this, if I really dig deep enough, is I have to believe that I deserve the best, and, I don't. I settle for content, okay, can't complain and that has gotten me to a really uncomfortable, unhappy place at the end of the day.
But, at the end of the day, a not-so-good day, I sat and cried because of how humbled I am by the good. And it felt so fucking good. I might not have the best of everything, but I'm starting to make a pretty good list. Lots of tallies. Whole nine.

something ain't right

I woke up this morning and my first thought was "since when did 'What-does-it-all-mean-Sunday' fall on a Tuesday?" And then I realized that it's been a What-does-it-all-mean-coupleayears. And I know you can relate. I've got to fight back. I've got to remember that it's all worth it. I don't know what I'm fighting for. I haven't come to grips with my reality that I don't know what the future looks like anymore. Everything's changing. I don't know if it's for the better. I have to hope so. That's all I got.
God, the future used to be so excitingly scary and now all I see are glimpses of the same day every day over and over and over again.
I'm a fighter. I always have been. I trust my gut, my heart and I go after it. Usually quietly, but I conquer the mountain nonetheless. But now, it takes everything I've got to get out of bed and make a cup of coffee to face the world.
I live so many different lives and none of them feel right because something's not right. I feel like in every situation I'm just faking it until I can go home and just deal with myself, but even that seems fake now. I'm not lying to everyone else though, just to myself.
My coffee cup's empty, now it's time to face the world in another day that is so much like yesterday. But I have never agreed to fake it til I make it so that stops now.

"They heard me singing and they told me to stop
Quit these pretentious things and just punch the clock
These days my life, I feel it has no purpose
But late at night the feelings swim to the surface."