progress report.

So, here it is. I'm 27.
I wrote a column for my 21st birthday that kind of became the big one in my college bubble. So much so one of my fellow newspaper editors felt it needed to be framed. It's found a wall on every home I've had since.
When I finally talked myself out of bed, I went straight to it and, damn it, if it doesn't still ring true.
I challenged myself in every way possible last year and reflecting back on the six years between then and now that's all I've been doing, sometimes I definitely buried myself in the covers but I always knew I'd get out and face it, eventually.
I started believing in myself again when I was 26. I spent a couple years taking a good, long (really long) look at myself and yelling into the mirror "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING RIGHT NOW?!" Last year, I answered it.
If you haven't been keeping up, I started giving a shit about myself, not giving a shit and most importantly started being myself.
I put myself out there. In so many ways. Dangled on those branches I never would've let myself dangle from before.
I got lighter, both literally and figuratively. I stopped carrying everyone else's baggage and put away my own. Magically and mysteriously the numbers went down on the scale, too.
I continued to question, but I sought answers and let them be when I found them. I didn't toss and turn nearly as much as I used to. I found peace in the direction I was heading in even when it felt like I had a blind fold on.
I started writing more both for myself and for others. I started talking more and saying how I felt and learned more about delivering it in a way that people would actually hear it.
I invested in people that were worth investing in and called a loss and moved on from those who weren't.
I bought myself a car and got a promotion, too. Both of which brought on different challenges, but I've faced them. As far as work goes, I learned if I believe in myself, others will, too, and if they don't they'll get themselves out of the way.
I don't know what challenges and surprises 27 will bring. I'm ready for them. If I've learned anything so far, it's that nothing is ever finished. Every day has to be better. The battle is never over. The sweet is never as sweet without the sour. If you're gonna get what you want, you better make your move. And it's all happening. Always. Just fucking let it.

answers.

I'm savoring my coffee this morning because it's delicious and fall outside and because I don't want to go to work.
It's not that I don't want to work, it's that I don't want the major reality check that is going to slap me across the face, kick me in the gut and, most likely, leave a puddle of tears on the floor.
Today a really important chapter in my life will be ending. Today I will say goodbye to family and leave a home that I built, sometimes by myself, but most of the time with help by some really amazing people.
It's bittersweet.
I have been questioning and writing and thinking for months now about what's next? The answer came quite suddenly. I've been given a new opportunity to make the same impact in a new environment. A promotion that came along with a heaping helping of validation, investment and hope and left me feeling so incredibly valued by a company I have given so much to. It was an incredible moment because it not only the reaffirmed belief in myself by my leaders, but one that came with a peaceful feeling to know I was going in the right direction this whole time and followed with great grief of leaving a group of people who matter so much to me, a family, a team and realizing what it took to get there and what it will take to get there again.
I have so much fear and anxiety about letting them down, disappointing them. The words struggle to come out and most likely will be joined with a crack in my voice.
I have to get through today to move on to tomorrow. To begin a new chapter with new challenges, plot lines and characters.
I know that I can do it, because I already have. I'm a different, better person because of the last couple of chapters and since taking a look from the outside in, I've realized I am in fact, a leader.
I haven't taken a moment to celebrate. I don't feel like it's warranted yet. I'm going back to proving ground, the only difference is, I'm confident that it will be proven and no one will get in the way of it this time.
Today, it hurts, y'all. I've been treading uncomfortable territory the last month or so of making the best decision I can for myself with the consequence of letting important people in my life down. A friend told me that this is prof of how far I've come personally this year, that I'm finally taking a stand for what I deserve and being ok with saying I deserve more. That I've finally found a great amount of clarity and allowed myself to open up to opportunities confidently. When she said that, it was a major moment of accomplishment. I don't just sit down and write about hopes and dreams with my fingers crossed. This exchange is genuine and full of promise to myself and I've kept them. This year has been huge for me personally and with one of the final pieces to the puzzle nestling in, I can't help but be proud of what I've done and excited about what I am able and will do.
I've just got to get through today first.
Tomorrow, bring on the major leagues.

egg drop soup.

I was sick a couple of weeks ago. I champion myself on mind over matter tactics. I've been pretty sick and stuck it out continuing to work for longer hours than a lot of people would on their best days.
This time, for whatever reason, I just couldn't. I had to ask for help. Something I don't like doing. Perfect example, my mother of all people called to ask what she could do or bring me to help me feel better and I couldn't allow the answer to come up my throat. I was listing off things in my head, but couldn't even begin to utter a request because I didn't want her to have to drive all the way over here making stops and taking time out of her day to do it. My own mother, who at one time wiped my ass and cleaned up my vomit and tucked me in and would do almost anything to make me feel better. She called me on it, too in my feverish state.
"I want to help you, but I need you to ask for what will help."
That sentence resonated more with me than just "oh, okay, I'll take some of that egg drop soup and would you mind picking up some NyQuil, the good kind."
It was, this is a bigger issue. I won't communicate what I need or want because I don't want to burden some one else with my life's needs or wants, I can do it myself. And, I can, but that's not the point. When you make it impossible for people to figure out how they can contribute to your life, I imagine they stop seeing the need to be there in the first place. Eventually? Maybe?
It's a tricky, sticky line to tread. For me, anyway. Not wanting to make requests for people in my life because maybe it'll just be a little too much to ask. Swallowing frustration that people don't have the instinct to know what I need from them in my life and when. I guess I need to befriend some mind readers or just start communicating.
The latter I have been tip-toeing toward. Slowly. I've been trying to get over the fact that sometimes I may just have to say, "this is really bothering me and I need your help to fix it."
I've been struggling with the idea of "showing up" in life. I think I've written about it before. I want and need people in my life who show up for me. I feel like I do. I want to celebrate life's success and I want to help you mourn it's heartbreaks, too. I want to be there. I don't know that I have to be invited either. But, sometimes, I feel like no one's in my front row and get frustrated at trying to figure out if they needed an invitation mailed to them or VIP treatment to the front of the line, I don't know. I haven't asked.
I've been discussing this idea with a friend the past couple of days, and she pretty much nailed it. There's a vulnerability to asking for what we need because we just might be disappointed when they can't or won't or don't. It can say more than we want to admit.
Vulnerability and expectation. My kryptonite and Achilles heel right there. That, I know I've written about.
So, I guess the moral of the story is, you've gotta ask for egg drop soup if you want it and think it'll help make you feel better. And, if they can't bring it, well I guess you'll just have to get your feverish ass in the car and go get it from someone else.
Or something.

rally.

So much happened in September making in seem like a long month, yet I can't believe it's October.
I know I wrote about how I was happy alone last, which was indeed a revelation, but September was filled with my favorite people, too.
I let my hair down, y'all. Held my head up high, too. I had a lot of fun doing my favorite things, most of which I hadn't done in a long time, some I thought were no longer in my comfort zone, but got over it quickly. Late nights, girl talk, live music, bachelorette parties, confidentially carrying conversations, basically, I rallied. Finally, right?
My boss has spent a lot of time talking to me about work/life balance in the lat year and I thought it was falling on dead ears as I just nodded my head in agreement knowing that it was a ridiculous notion. Well, it isn't. When I finally started putting myself on a personal level first and worked hard to build a capable, awesome team. It kind of fell into my life. I'm aware the scales tip here and there and will definitely begin to more so here in a few weeks, but I've never been scared or reluctant to work hard.
So, hey October. Let's keep it up. I've been gaining momentum, checking things off, feeling better, moving on.

happy alone.

Now that falls knocking on the door and my personal life is about to jump out of the window (retail holiday, y'all), I'm living it up.
I'm not too sad that I've traded pool days for patio ones, although I will miss the tan for sure. It's kind of gotten me thinking about this last year with my birthday approaching. (I mean, it's a couple months away, but it's how I mark my calendar year. Is that a self-absorbed tendency?)
It's been huge. I think I've learned more about myself this year than I ever have. I've gotten to know myself pretty well, but I used this one to really challenge those realizations to make them into affirmations. I'll save the in-depth reflections for when the time really comes. But, as of right now, I'll say the best way to sum it up is I put myself out there. Clearing toxic bullshit out of your life can do a lot for a girl.
Yesterday, I made one of the best, irresponsible decisions I've ever made. I hopped in the car to make a few hour (at one time very familiar trip) to see one of my favorite bands that I've always wanted to see but have always let myself find an excuse not to. Alone. That's the kicker. I never ever would've done that before. But, I wanted to, so I did. I almost backed out for a number of reasons, some of which were pretty legitimate others were just awkward fears, but I went and it was one of the most gratifying personal experiences. Aside from the fact that the Walkmen are probably one of the most professional bands I've ever seen live or that they do indeed sound way better live than their recordings. I didn't have less of an experience because I walked in by myself.
I drove home feeling like a badass. It may seem small or like not that big of a deal, but it was a huge affirmation on how far I've come with my personal growth. I did it because I wanted to. I did it for myself. Those are two reasons I've had a really difficult time in the recent past justifying. It was this private moment I had in one of my favorite environments in a room full of strangers.
Another thing scratched off on my list. And the best part is, I don't really think there's very much left to check off, if anything. I meant it when I said it was the year of yes.

going and coming.

Last night watching an emotional moment of my favorite show, I was reminded of the exact moment I had in my life several years ago and was overwhelmed with the comfort of it.
See, on the eve of my adventure to that big city in California, I flipped the fuck out. Basically. I was dragging my feet to leave my big comfortable bubble of a house scrubbing the kitchen and bathroom (something that you know rarely got done if you ever visited), doing anything to postpone my departure in absolute panic attack hysterically crying mode. I was scared shitless.
The map had been literally drawn out and money had been deposited in my account by my father. All of my stuff was packed. My best friend ready for the biggest road trip of our lives and I just couldn't take that step out of the door.
I called my mom in the midst of all of this and she said the words that made it all better, " you can always come back, but you can't always leave." Urging me to take this risk (which she didn't see as a risk at all), knowing that it would change my life. She knew I was meant for this life and I felt it was possibly her proudest moment for me to see me take this leap into the great unknown into my future.
That's what she does. That's what great mommas and daddys do. Push you out of that nest, but reassure you as they do.
You can't always go, but you can always come back. Ain't that the truth? With everything? I kinda think so. And I don't just mean with like actual departures. Any scary risk going out on a limb thing in your life.
What's it called? Failure to launch? I talk myself out of far too many things because it may hurt. Either physical or emotionally (which I kind of believe are one in the same). I have the most difficult time escaping from that comfort bubble because nothing can happen to me in it, but that's just a pitiful way to live and I'm exhausted with it.
I've mentioned that my challenge this year is being fearless. I almost bought a bracelet with that word boldly stretching across it to serve as a daily reminder, but thought to any one who knows me that would be the most contradictory thing I could possibly wear on my wrist. But, why not make it true again? It was at one time. Not just the time I did go and, as it turns out, didn't want to come back.
I hope that bracelet is still there, and if it is, there's no going back.

mirrors.

Hey, so, I finally went on vacation. It's always refreshing to pretend for a moment that you live a luxury life and avoid all reality. Cause that's what I did.
Nikki can attest to the fact that I turn into a giddy little girl at the very sight of water and sand, add a trashy book/magazines and beer to the mix and you've uncovered my happy place. Not a care in the world in this little blonde head.
I'm always reminded that I have to live at the beach. My goal is to retire at 30 and just sit and stare at it until I can't see it anymore. I do wonder, however, if it is possible to take it for granted when it becomes your every day, but I can't quite come up with any way that could be true.
My only dose of reality was delivered by a couple who sat under the umbrella to our left. Here we all were in my happiest place on earth and she sat hiding under the umbrella with her iPhone inches away from her face taking pissy calls from work as her boyfriend tried to lighten her mood. She was so uptight and on edge and it frustrated the hell out of me.
I wondered how a girl like that could get a guy like him and how dumb she was to not realize what she had right in front of her, both the guy and the beach. She was short and whiny with him and made it so easy to judge her as I turned the page and cracked open another beer and ordered a Bloody Mary around noon.
I made a secret vow to never be like that, though, if I'm honest with myself (and I've gotten pretty good at that) I know that I've been her before. As hard as it is to believe you can take things you have for granted we do and maybe that even includes the beach. Maybe.
I wanted so bad to be that stranger's wake up call. To put a mirror up to her so she could see all the things she was missing because her iPhone was the only thing in her line of sight. But, I realized maybe she was mine? Maybe she was a reflection of who I used to be? My iPhone was stowed away except for when I used it to soundtrack our day and I banished all thoughts of work because I mean really there's nothing I can do almost 1,000 miles away. I've taken relationships for granted for sure. Not seeing who was sitting next to me for all of the good they're bringing into my life, just blinded by the things they aren't and, most likely, weren't really capable of. Unrealistic expectations derived from what I thought love and life and boyfriends should be.
So easy to sit on that high horse isn't it? But, for real, I've had a lot of time to think (and over think) who I was and who I am and who I want to be and I'm happy to say that even though I haven't been in a relationship in some time, I can see through my friendships that I'm not the distracted, self-absorbed friend I used to be. And, unfortunately, sometimes it takes losing a few things (like your mind, for one) to realize it when you finally look in the mirror and take in everything standing before you.