lessons.

the nudges i was talking about, they keep coming. only some of them are more like a kick in the gut. i'm getting it...ok?
see, there is a man who most people thought was insane. i, of course, was immediately drawn in. in the beginning, it was probably some sort of teacher's pet situation, he being my department head and i starting out on the real venture of my future, i knew i needed to get in with him. he kept his office door open, you'd walk in, he'd lay his pen and glasses down on his desk and offer you a seat, sometimes he'd even join you. and he'd just let you talk.
in my first meeting with him, i was there to talk about my first week's stories for the newspaper. they bled with his comments. i was scared, but i wanted to face it. "you're just gonna have to get this through youR pretty blonde head," he said, "but, there's something there."
ok.
our weekly meetings continued and the feedback got better, until i hit a bump in my personal life and he read it in my work. he asked what was going on and i just spilled it. all of it. i, of course, apologized for the spew of personal drama that shot out of my mouth and he just sat back in his chair and crossed his arms.
he began to tell me of a writer he knew and the struggles she went through personally and how it began to impact her work. he told me, "no one, nothing can take this talent away from you. if you let the bullshit get in the way, it'll be the biggest mistake you ever make."
i realized today when i received an e-mail update from his wife letting everyone know his health status from his hospital room where he is undergoing cancer treatment, that i just may have made that mistake. i have let bullshit get in the way. no one, nothing has taken it away, but myself. all the self-doubt, excuses, the bullshit have gotten in the way.
the last time i saw him was a couple of years ago now, he was receiving an award at a football game and after he slowly climbed the stairs off the field to the bleachers, i saw him sit a few rows down by himself and just had this overwhelming urge to go talk to him. he asked what i had been doing post-college and i told him, a little ashamed, and once again, my personal shame and drama was met with his seemingly all-knowing remark, "i knew it was going to take you a while to get started, but i know you're going to do it." i choked back tears, hugged his neck and let him soak in one of his favorite things, tech athletics, and made my way back to my seat as if nothing happened, but with renewed hope for myself.
there aren't many people in your life who don't give up on you. there just aren't. and, a hard lesson to swallow is that they aren't always going to be there.
the last several years i have taken pride on how independent i have become. i live alone so i have to take care of myself, in a house that i bought with my name on it that i have to pay for, i have a job with a lot of responsibility and accountability and have a hard time asking for help when i need it. yet, in my personal life, i am so emotionally dependent on someone else saying "yes, you're right, this is good, move forward." can't once be enough? at some point, you just have to go with it.
i've wasted so much time. exhausted myself with coming up with so many excuses.
so, i guess i've got a deadline now.